this space is too small for me and I.

You wouldn't believe me if I said no one ever really wanted me.

And I don't have the capacity to bother and elaborate.

I used to care about every little thing. These days I don't always do. Not even when it's vital. I remember how excruciating it was. I still feel what is no longer there. I guess we feel what we feel whether or not we choose to react to it. I would tell myself how it's nothing. I try looking at things through the perspective of anyone else changing what shouldn't be to "this has always been". Some days I ask myself why I bother to change what comes naturally to me when I am able to accept it from everyone else. I tell people not to, but it's exactly what I do.  It's okay if it was you but I'm not allowed to. My feelings are mine, my emotions aren't stable and nobody needs to deal with that. I can handle it.

Because I'm supposed to. It's all I can do. I don't always want to and there are times where I wish I didn't have to. Almost everybody turns their backs on me in the end so how could I? How could I possibly tell anyone how I feel when I feel it if everything I've ever felt only ever brought the ones I love with all my heart and soul down? But I can't always lie and tell everyone that nothing is wrong and the grass is greener on my side when just like everyone else, I need someone willing to be there for me too. It's always easier to walk away. They say it's just as hard but I'm the one left behind, lost alone swirling back to my wicked state of mind.

I don't care, I would make myself think. I repeat it enough times to genuinely believe that I don't. I'll say it's nothing- it's never anything. If people don't care, why should I? Though everything comes with a price to pay. Funny how slowly those close to you hurts when you don't. Sometimes people forget what they give, in one way or another they get back. Tell yourself it's not that deep. Soon you'll see how you won't really feel. Where's the fun in that right? But then you start believing that it's unfair for them so fuck that and you give people your all even if it means crying on your own some nights wishing you never spoke because every single time you do someone gets hurt and it's never only you.

These days I let people walk away. I tell them to go if they wish to. I'd tell you to stay but the last time and each time I do, sooner or later it feels like forcing instead of asking and I don't want anyone to choose if I have to make them. If I don't have a place, I won't ask for it. I know how being unwanted feels even when somebody wants you. I no longer have the amount of ego and pride I used to, I cut things off or block it out to be safe. After everything I was put through, I find it even more difficult to believe anyone really wants to know. Now every time somebody looks away or is distracted with something else when they're with me or I'm speaking, I immediately assume they're uninterested. I still get downhearted whenever it happens if I let myself think about it.

I don't really mind anymore. I still tell myself that. There's always somewhere better to be and someplace to go. Whatever I am is for me to know and whatever it is, isn't what anyone should be looking for. I would still tell you to stay if you asked. It's just that no one ever does. Everybody thinks I've got it good or that if it's broken, it must have been me. It's always me. It hasn't left yet, the belief that everybody deserves better and I'm not meant for anyone the way I make people believe that they deserve every love they receive. There's always someone else, something more and I am less. The only place I have is where I'm standing. And people still can't see it. They don't believe what I feel.

-riri-