look at me now.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

my heart it's gone, your heart it's gold.

My dear favourite, 7.
And so seven months has passed.
My fear has always been 6, but that is over now.
And I am over that.

I was known to believe in so much until one day it got too much, and everything seem to mean nothing much to me the way it used to. Past times it seems like all I've ever said was "too soon". They say how can someone love you when you can't even love yourself. Hell with that, if you meet someone who loves you despite knowing that. I haven't change into better but I met someone. I don't really know how this goes anymore and I swear I lost the side of me that does. But if he could, why can't I?

When I was younger it was all about getting nice guys, those who loves you too much, the ones that treat you like you're Queen B you know what I'm saying? I wasn't into perfection by looks, I was said to always fall for the ones no one seemed to noticed. Then I grew a bit and realised that maybe it wasn't them, it was me so I took what I get and tried to make the best of it. If things go wrong, it meant I made it that way. My biggest fear in each and every one of them was not trying hard enough, to seem like I didn't care when that was all I cared about. I thought by making them know how much they are worth sums up to me being worth something but I was never enough. I was okay with that. "You did wrong again. Next time do better" to the point I couldn't do anything no more.

I was dead by the end of two years back and damaged to the point where I couldn't go back by the end of last year and this year's the year I never bothered. All I wanted was to get it over with. I'm almost there.

But this guy he came and he stayed and he tried and he drove me mad and happy and confuse and insane and sad but like a spell that I couldn't cure. I told him my bad, I showed him my worst, I gave him a piece of being sick and then I cling to him and I let him go and in the end we're back again. I didn't want to try so hard anymore, I no longer want people to stay for what they think I am if they never would and think that they love me when they only loved the idea of having someone but not being with someone or devote to them. I had my days where I doubt the things I hear and the promises made. Only because I'm immune to such things and everything I gave, I never got back.

I never treated him the way I thought he deserved, even if I wanted to it's never that easy anymore. Even if it seem like I don't, I appreciate every effort everything. I know we came off unexpected but since everything has its reasons to it, I hope his, is to stay.

I don't think I've ever told him this clearly, but if I looked back to all the things I said, believed in, and wished for, he is almost but so close to everything I have ever wanted and said I needed in life if it wasn't for my trust issues and disbelief in a lot of things now. He is perfect in all the the way I cannot explain or try to put in words. My feelings might no longer be the same but I know what I have and how much it's worth. From the way he says he loves me when I talk about something bad or saddening or anything to do with things he knows he can't help me with but to listen. Every time he tries to stay awake despite the fact that he's used to early nights. Every good thing he contrast about me when I talk about the things I know I can never be.  Every "I don't care I still love you and I will always love you" when I try to convinced him how it is almost impossible for me to get better and all the reasons why I love him so but he deserves so much more because I know I can't give him much. Every time he tells me I'm beautiful or compliments me on what I believe does not deserve any and I just shut the thought of it down when really I just couldn't say thank you enough. Every "you tell me I deserve the best and you are the best and I don't want to be with anyone else". Every cliche or cheesy/corny quote/line/movie scene that he talks about or says reminds him of me and the things he would do for me that I usually laugh at and ignore when really it gives me a sudden relief and feelings I couldn't put into words and I promise you I love every part of it; I just don't know how to respond to those things anymore.

This isn't even half of it but I don't want anyone else to fall for him for the things I tell them. I know it seems like I keep him like a secret but if the people I know asked, I would tell. I just don't want to do the same mistake and let people get taken away from me. They say in every bad there is a good and I get that "bad" almost every day this 2013 but I realised out of all the shit I had to go through and the days where all I wanted was to rot in my bedroom, Allah's good was to sent him into my life. Such a little thing followed by the most beautiful reason that soon turns into one of the biggest part of your life.

You know like how I always say and believe that hey maybe this one didn't worked out because someone better would come and that they're all just leading me to that person and who knows that I would actually meet someone who can see me past all of that and still loves me. That one day I didn't need to worry so much about me being the only one to feel that way. To think that I thought it was someone else when really that was only the beginning of my realisation that maybe, all these while the person I needed to be with was him. That has the same idea of us being together in a way that it means not just for now; like always, the way it is. By him, I mean you.

This is probably stupid and childish and sad but happy 7 months anniversary! It's true how the book says I don't remember the events in my life by date or time (anymore) but by moment and I'm sorry if I've ever forgot, but I won't forget the 28th. Every moment with you every smile every stare every laugh or giggle and how it feels at the very moment I will remember. You're the only guy I want to be like that with. The only one I get manic and low with; the only guy I don't mind being vulnerable to in your hands even when I try not to.

10:00p.m because that was when we said our goodbyes.
and I love you for as long as you want me to, for as long as you do.
I don't want to be the one to take back all my words.