behind the scenes.

The less attention, the better. Sometimes, most of the time, I’d rather not be noticed then to let any attention draw to me, or maybe that’s what I make myself believe.

When it comes to family; at home or family event, I like to be left alone. When I was younger, I needed that attention; you know people talking to you or other kids actually letting you play with them instead of ignoring you and you spend your days sitting alone watching tv or helping your aunties’ do chores but that was back then. As I grow up I realised all this while I was holding on to hope that would never become reality. I also learn that as you grow older, you actually are expected to act the way everyone wants you to. People start to tell you how to live your life. That was the point where I’d rather not have anyone knowing what I do or ask about me.

It’s sad how the good things I do, things I need support in, no one really cares about though. I guess maybe it’s just people give attention I don’t need and ignore me at times I need them the most. Or maybe they’re only there when they have nothing else to do or only when people start pointing fingers and accusing me of such and such.

When it comes to friends; I guess I think it isn’t important for them to give me any. It’s not that I don’t want any, god I would feel like a ghost trying to communicate with people who can’t hear nor can they see me; tormenting. It’s just I never really am sure if it’s a good idea talking about my life, feelings or what has been happening at home because well, I wouldn’t want them to feel bad for not knowing what to do about it or being unable to help. It’s either that or I’m just selfish.

When it comes to school; I would love to be as invisible as I can to everyone. Honestly, I actually am a bit. People don’t really care if I’m there or isn’t. I don’t blame them though, I’m not really the easiest friendliest person to be with either. It’s a little flustering but I wouldn’t want people nosing around my business anyway. Been there done that.

But then again, maybe I’m just fed up with people bothering me when I just wanna do what I love and taking away my space or privacy, maybe even secretly judge me so I would rather be mysterious OR maybe I’m just afraid of getting let down again.

yours truly, riri.

ma.

I’m sorry for not being what you have always thought and expected I would be. I’m not comfortable with you or even myself anymore. I am not able to speak nor can I express my feelings and act in the right way. You see me yet without you knowing, you’ve lost me.

 The only reason I’m still here is because no matter how selfish I want myself to be at times, I still think about you and all the work you might not manage to do without me. I think of Sya, and brobro and him. I think of how I’ve always wanted to make him proud and of all the times I’ve messed up when he was still alive. All the things he gave me and me as a little spoilt brat back then, all I was able to do was ask and nothing was ever enough. Him, dying right before my eyes was a tight slap on the face ma. I changed, I tried completely to change 360 degrees ma. Didn’t you noticed?

 I know why you’re the way you are ma, and I know why dad and grandma are like that. I know you’ve been through a lot because of me but life isn’t just unicorns and rainbows to me too ma. I don’t have friends anymore, I don’t make them, I don’t get attach, and I for sure don’t talk as much as I used to. I try not to say what might hurt you, about you, to them. I try to avoid going to anyone’s house or go out just so you wouldn’t be burdened to send me there. I don’t take any classes anymore because that requires money and in the end I’d be nothing but a failure anyway and I know I am at fault for skipping school and making you and dad fight but I can’t help it. I can’t stand being around people.

Believe me ma, I never wanted to be such a troublemaker. I know I’m a mistake, you told me that before. You had a fight but I was left. Were you left by one of your parents before, ma? I don’t put hopes up anymore. I don’t believe in getting married or having kids although I want to but I wouldn’t dream of having any one of both. I never asked to be born and swear I would’ve let myself drown in that pool at Bukit Merah when I was younger if I knew I was gonna be such an asshole as I grew older that I was to make you resent me.

Honestly, there were times when I wanted to just act like brother and automatically if I did, I would never come back but I still think of how it would be like if I was in your shoes so I let it be, I suck it up and tried although you tell me I’m selfish. I can’t tell you what’s wrong, you wouldn’t understand. To you I am screwed up but I know you still see good in me but that’s fading; I could see it in your eyes and  honestly I can no longer swallow all the things you tell me that I am without taking it to heart. To hear you tell me I am everything bad you can think of over and over again is just disheartening even if it is my fault. It’s sad how just like everybody else, you misjudge and misinterpret me as well. I know you’re fragile but how long am I supposed to protect myself and you before it’s finally time for you to be the one to protect me?

 How long am I supposed to fake who I am just to be what you want me to be ma?

yours truly, riri.

friendless by choice.

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. I think.

You know what I’m tired of? The fact that everybody thinks that I have a whole bunch of friends and that me being popular (not that I am. This is said and believed by quite a few people for reasons I don’t know), I interact and socialise with everybody. That everyone who follows me or likes my photo or talk to me are my friends. “Oh she’s so lucky, popular with friends and fans and she’s pretty but ungrateful acting all alone and pathetic”, oh dear ignorant deceived people, how shallow can you get?

You can be popular to the world, happy and be crowded around people 24/7 but it doesn’t exactly mean everything is as it seems. No, this isn’t some petty post about how no one wants to be my friend or I’m a forever alone loser who’s invisible to my surroundings. I’m not gonna lie. I know I have people who wants to be friends with me. Shit this isn’t to brag because well no matter how much of a loser you think you are, there’s always at least one person who has always wanted to be your friend. Or maybe people who sees me as a friend but to me I’m just another acquaintance and I know that they know they are the same to me.

See I’m not the kind that will ring or text you 24/7, I don’t talk as much as I think and I don’t open up to people. I no longer take in people to let them stay. I don’t trust. The ones I have, I keep, the one who comes, I let them pass by. I know how it’ll end and I can’t make myself care anymore to keep a friendship or relationship. I don’t favour making new friends, if it’s gonna happen it will. 

I don’t get it, I don’t have the heart to say;we all don’t but why do we call them “friends” when we can’t even be ourselves with them, when almost every smile or laugh we glue on our face are either forced or fake? It’s because we know how it’s like to know that people we hang around with might not even want to be with us but we’re too much of a coward to say it or we’re just too lazy to go through or scared of what it will get us into if we do.

This is why I’d rather be alone or avoid starting a conversation if it is not needed. Because doing something hypocritically is tiring and it’s suffocating.

yours truly, riri.

i'm no longer me.

“Sometimes I wish I could save you” but I’m not ready to be saved.

Remember how I said I can’t promise to be a better/nicer person this year? Surprising how that’s the only resolution I manage to make come true. Oh wow, applause please *claps hand sarcastically yet annoyingly*. Guess that’s what happens when you're so nice to the people who doesn’t give a shit or appreciate you enough for so long that it makes you feel like you’re worthless: a switch is turned on and you my nice old friend, you, you start being/becoming a bitch. Like rebellion towards being miserable just for the sake of making people happy.

Wanna know the saddest part? That’s when people start to resent you. It drives you away from them. At times, it also makes you feel shitty and you’re overpowered by the guilt you feel that occurs as you hurt yourself by hurting them. You don’t wanna lose them in fact,but at the same time you couldn’t care less. You lose direction, forgetting the fact why you were where you are in the first place; you become a complete mess doubting your existence. Doubting the world.

“You used to be so nice” or “you’ve changed”, they tell me. It makes me wonder, that maybe, maybe all this while no one ever did know me because that makes so much sense of how they don’t get why I’m acting the way I am now. They only realise when they’re the ones being hurt, funny how the thought of them hurting someone else’s feelings whether purposely or not, never hit them in that thick heads of theirs. It’s stupid how nobody gives a shit when you treat them right and when you don’t they judge and condemn. I guess that’s how the universe works and maybe, those people I thought loved me for who I am despite my flaws and all the mistakes I've done- they only love me for all the things I do or would do for them.

See, I’ve come to the point where I am completely becoming a different person. That all the good things I say would happen to me one day are lies I tell myself just so I could go on through another day. I’m becoming two person at once depending on where I am and who I’m with. The old me and the bitchy me. I feel like I have no control of what I’m doing, how I’m feeling or even the way I act anymore. I’ve kept everything for so long, so deep so high that it eats me inside and slowly as days pass by, I’m losing my mind and my soul inside while I put on this marvellous act of how this is just another normal phase I'm passing through.

Everyone thinks they can help. Nobody can till they understand. I can’t be the only one to change. I can’t be the only one to be pleasing others. I can’t be everything for everyone.

But they don’t get that.

I’m not drowning, I’m not letting myself stay on the ground it’s just I’m too tired to get up. I lost myself in my pool of emotions and screwed up feelings and swear I’m trying to not let it get to  me but this level of depression I can’t handle the way I once did once upon a time ago. I can’t be alone on this but I don’t dare to let anyone in. I don’t wanna be saved but I need to. I am selfish, to myself, to everyone else. I am the only thing that’s in my way and...

yours truly, riri.

nothing.

Someone else’s child. Trouble. Problematic. Ungrateful. Burden. Lazy. Attitude problem. Rubbish. Asshole. A nuisance. Full of shit. Stupid. Cocky. Rude. Better off dead. Hell is for you. Screwed.

It goes on and on. Trying your best to be the best but maybe it’s not enough. You’re not working your ass off to live up to their expectation of the “perfect child”. Oh god, what are they gonna do with you? Foolish child, they deserve better. You’re pathetic, you can’t even make your parents happy and after all that they’ve done for you, this is what you repay them with? Have you no shame! Little spoiled brat, you don’t have the chance to go far, not without their blessing. What are you doing now? Don’t cry, you don’t have the right to. You brought this upon yourself. Does it please you? Making your parents cry does it please you?! "You nothing but a screw up so loud inside my head.

Living to that thought. I know I make mistakes and I swear I try not to repeat them. I learn from them, I do. I’m not a good person but I know I’m not that bad. Everyday I convinced myself that I am good. Maybe not the best but not the worst either. When I’m being pulled, pushed or kicked down, I lay and cry and just think of how it got that way but I pick myself up every time, I try to try once again. It’s disheartening how I feel like I'm being persuade to believing that I can’t make it.

When everyone turns their back on you, who do you turn to? I believe in myself ‘cause that’s when the thought of how I’m the only one I got hits me and I hold on to that, always.

yours truly, riri.

stop the love.

But seriously, where is the love?

Mine got lost a couple of years back. Found  and been thrown away further by another. I don’t know what sick lie I got myself into. Well lesson learned. Nothing is worth fighting for if it isn’t worth losing.

I’ve lost the feeling of needing someone to be there for me. Save me; that knight in shinning armour. No not this time, not now. I don’t want to be save just to be vulnerable and even more easy to crack once I am left. I can go on my own. I know who I am and I know how I am. I don’t need a guy to make me feel special or just so I could feel worth it. I suck at relationships not because I’m bad at it but it’s because I’m too nice in it.

Why am I ever enough? Why do they leave in the end? Why do I fall so hard? I have answers now. I’ve figured it all out.

Subliminally, my mind knows how my heart can’t take it so it takes control of it subconsciously and smartly letting the heart think it was all it’s idea. The plan was to make the heart fall for guys that it thinks is too good for it but not to others. Makes me want to make the ones unloved, feel special when deep inside it knows that with how I roll, sooner or later they’d leave in the end. Sometimes it knows that at some point, it was my turn to leave. Technically the mind knows how the heart works and all these feelings inside all together and it knows that no matter how I want a relationship to last, I could never stay committed without screwing way too many times as if trying to be left on purpose.

Have you noticed how you know the criteria of your so-called dream guy but you never actually fall for those types; you fall for quite the opposite? Like how the guys who likes me, the ones I tend to ignore: they’re my so-called mr- close - enough - to - perfect although I never could really like them more than a friend. I guess because deep inside I’m not scared to fall so hard, I’m scared of being the one to leave, petrified of breaking hearts so I let myself be the victim just because I couldn’t take the guilt. If that’s not it, it probably means, obviously, that I can’t take the commitment or maybe I’m just not ready or it could even be because I’m just in love with the pain it leads to.

yours truly, riri.

where'd you go?

Walking in pitch black of the night, lost till I saw a streak of light not far from where I was standing bewilderingly walking to the path it made as it lead me to this girl slightly younger than me by one or maybe two years. She was all alone but there was something about her that was so familiar. She was beaming at me as she said “I’ve been waiting for you”

Don’t tell me you don’t remember me?
How could I ever forget?

So how’s life?
Why ask what you already know?

What has changed?
Everything.

Why didn’t you look back?
It hurt too much.

Never forget what you left behind.
I couldn’t even if I tried.

I’ve always been here, I never left.
Well I never saw you.

You never search for me.

I wanted to but I could never bear the pain. I remember each of every one of the people who once meant so much to me, I just avoid remembering who and how I was back then. I left behind a lot of things, broke tons of promises. Life got to me, growing up influenced me.

Why do you do that?
Do what?

Why do you act like a bitch. As if you don’t give a shit. Why do you let things slip away so easily and act like it never really meant a thing? You care too much about people neglecting your needs. You get mad for no reason when you know exactly what the reason is but you never dare to say. You stop speaking up for your rights. You leave without even looking back. You delete every precious memory, you try forgetting, you’re not even trying to be happy. Why do you lock yourself in this dark side of your mind living life like you’re dead? Since when did you stop taking risk, since when were hopes and dreams all bullshit you never really cared about to you? Now being happy is a burden. Making people smile is hard work. Friendship are meant to end. have you forgotten all that you once believed in?

Because being nice doesn’t cut it. What’s the use of being nice when you’re gonna be accused of doing everything bad you never did by your own family. So I chose the play the part and satisfy them. Because if it really meant a lot as if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t have slip away. Because in the life and world I live in, they don’t respond to “bullshit”, silence is all they expect to hear. There is no use in protesting if you know it yourself you are never gonna win. Because looking back reminds me of why I don’t wanna move forward and it keeps me behind. I’d forget than hurt. I’d restart than lag even when deep inside I don’t and would never want to because it’s easier that way. Because happiness doesn’t go well with me, it throws me away to the hell of disappointment so I choose to let it be so I never keep my hopes up. Because hopes and dreams would never be achieved when the ones you wish to support you find it preposterous and a waste of time in ever way possible. Why make them smile when all they do is hurt you? Friendship, true friendship is reaching extinction. Nothing could ever last when it’s stuck with me anyway. I forgot how to be a friend. I never forgot all that I once believed in, I just stop believing it.

You’re not this girl.
I am now. I’m sorry.
Are you planning on coming back?
One day. Maybe.

Yours truly, riri.

away.

We talked till 4 in the morning, woke up at 5 and he were to leave to the airport. 5:50a.m off he goes, and for a minute there, there was a moment of despair and it felt as if I was losing a part of me.

I don’t know if this is another phase but my gut is saying this won’t change. To leave or to be left, which would you prefer? I would want no part of it but that’s life. You lose some, gain some. As anti-social as I am, this is going up another whole different level. I’m sticking to what I have now. Open up to none.

Friendship is a never ending commitment and I’ve lost my interest in so. What I see is what I get and I don’t have any plans to change it. Walk in if you want, just know I don’t have time to please people. Walk out if you’re bored, just warned me before you go ‘cause I remember all those who left. Getting attached to anyone, new especially, is the last thing I would want. I’m not in for getting my heart break or worst, breaking other people’s heart. Corrupted and pretend is all I see and I don’t dare to test it.

Maybe it’s because so many had walk in and out of my life and I can’t recall which was real. I can’t tell even if the ones who still hang around wants to be around. Even the ones I trust or should be able to trust are causing nothing but pain so who am I going to go to and what am I supposed to do? It’s like everything thing we know is a lie. Not being able to change that fact gives you one last choice – to run. I’m creating my own world now. I don’t need all this. Once again, I’m a disappointment that walks away.

yours truly, riri.

memory hoarder.

Collecting memories - keeping memories - hurt by memories - Burn. Delete. Burn. Delete. ERROR. AN ERROR HAS OCCUR. I REPEAT, MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

I remember the days where all I hold on to when everything was falling apart, were the memories. I remember myself saying “Hey come on, we’re not gonna live forever. Let’s make memories, happy moments like this should be cherish!”. Despite every shit I went through that time, it was the memories that kept me going. It was the thought of how if I could go through this day- no problem- and chances are tomorrow could be a better one for me.

But that was back then.

As year by year passes, feelings faded, friendships lost, and all has changed- spending my nights thinking of the past just lead me to tears and heartache. It wasn’t how it ended, it was how I couldn’t do anything to still make it happen. Though I was a little sunshine in the past so to me, it was okay it hurt me; it was stories to take to grave. It was a one in a lifetime thing, it was what made me the person I am today. It’s a piece of myself from the past that I could bring around just to remind myself of who I am, where I came from and how I got to where I am now.

I’m a hoarder, see, I keep everything that I can if it were to be a part of me –
that is till 2012 happened.

I started hating memories. I hated every happy moment that was, in the end, made up. I limited my little memory box I have inside my mind, leaving only my little piece of childhood not forgetting some bits from 2010 and 2011 and that is when I drew a line. A line between what I let myself remember and what I should never go through again. I know memories are hard to erase but I’ve glued it to the unseen part of the back of my head; the one to be forgotten.

Before the start of 2013, I deleted, burned and threw away all that was to be gone by then. I wanted a fresh start. Unfortunately I became too numb and heartless and god, I couldn’t care less even if I wanted to about making new memories, keeping friends close or making new ones. I’m practically a zombie most of the time; the living dead so what are memories for if you’re not planning to make any?

Maybe one day I’ll open up again or I'd change to my little sunshine self, if I feel like it.

Yours truly, riri.

it's not about who stopped loving who.

21.12.12 :- No matter how much you love someone, sometimes the feeling, it fades. You don't need to want it to, it just does. That explains how some people could just walk away. It's inexplicable. You just have to, forced to let go. You don't need to be scared to. You might worry of what you might be leaving or missing out on if you do but believe me, if it wasn't meant to be let go of, you wouldn't have even had the idea of doing so in the first place. It's sorta a sign. It's okay, it's hard and might even hurt more than you think it would at first but you gotta take the risk. You're gonna be alright. Just believe that you'll be.

Yours truly, riri.

a sad surprise.

26 Jan 2013 2:45am – I just got back from Perak it was my birthday on the 25^th and I went into my room and the first thing that caught my eyes was all these helium balloons tied up together floating above my ceiling and I was just flabbergasted. That was when the flashback begun:

I don’t know maybe I was seven or six or something it was at night when we reached my grandparents’ house. I was so excited to meet them that I fell and scrape my knee while I was running towards them. The surprise was when I entered the house and I saw helium balloons above me, tons of them. There was this particular red massive one that I just fell in love with the moment I laid my eyes on it. It was surreal. It was amazing and beyond my expectations at the moment. It was my birthday. My late grandfather did this, all for me. At that time I really did felt special.
I really was special.

So back to this year’s story.

I was just starring at the balloons and subconsciously, it got me all teary. The memory just hurt so bad. I was so pleased and flustered at the same time I just couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling or what I should choose to feel. My mum came in I saw her face drop seeing the expression I put on. I thanked her but perhaps it didn’t sound sincere. I guess I broke her heart a bit. I wasn’t ungrateful, I was just full of emotions that it made me sick. I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t afford to, I wasn’t ready to open up. Crying is sickening and it would just show her how much I needed help and I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that because she needs help more than I do.

I decided to suck it up and run downstairs. I was happy, it was a thoughtful surprise but as I said the memory screwed me. It reminded me of my lost childhood that brought me back to my late grandfather and when it comes to that, I couldn’t stop my flooding memory of the day I saw him dying right before me, his cold body, the blood coming out of his ears, the way my mum just collapse; it was disheartening.

yours truly, riri.

first wish.

It was odd how this is my first birthday away from home and how I didn’t have or even bother to have my phone with me was more unusual of me. The first thing I did was open one of my social network account and I got a message. That was the first wish I got to read since my phone wasn’t with me. It was from a guy, my first love.

This makes me wanna laugh even for just typing about it. The word “first love”, it sounds so cheesy and humorous but I’m not kidding. It was funny and I seriously mean it in a way that I don’t even understand how, while I was reading it, there was this overwhelming vibe around me and I was stuck in the moment. By doing the simplest things and saying so little so much he made me....happy?

Sometimes positivity in your thinking is just absurd. Meaning sometimes it’s just another way to have hope and cling to it just because it’s what you want it to happen. Another simple understanding would be : your self-created false hope.

And sadly, without me knowing, maybe secretly there is a part of me that’s doing that to myself. Maybe there is a part of me that hopes for what I know myself would never be and depending too much on all the so-called signs I get. This really is just another random post I ended up typing while the thought of it crosses my mind.

However, who knows, maybe this really would lead to something? Maybe a repeat of history with improvement. Maybe not.

yours truly, riri.

accurate.

How’s 2013 going on for you? Well, just as I suspected it would be.

My story starts with the first year I moved here and that would be 2009. All before the year 2009 would be those years where I was just another normal kid with a not so normal family with normal problems, content, happy and getting scolded for not obeying my parents which is totally normal for a kid. But things change as we got here. Well that’s a different story all over.

2009 was a fresh start which I only started to be okay with like after 6 months. I never find fitting in or adapting easy. 2010 was just amazing, there was ups and downs but I found friendship, the kind where we start learning each other and how the whole batch were our family like how those people in boarding school are. Senior year, hah, it was just precious, unforgettable. 2011 was full of shit really I got into deep shit but I learned a lot that year and I got to know who my real friends were, I met someone and all the shit that was thrown to me never could bring me down without me trying to climb up again all ‘cause of the people I love, the ones who were there for me, the reason I kept going. Meanwhile 2012 was solid shiznitz. It was just miserable and depressing and just been put into the furthest part of the back of my head. I now can’t remember much from then, just shows how much valued moments there were there *sense the sarcasm*

Now back to the point, at the end of  a shitty year that I will not miss, I imagined this year. As I have mentioned before I wasn’t as shock as I used to be before, when I was forced to sleep early for school beause honestly I was ready for the holidays to end although I wish it didn’t. Why? I just wanted to get things over with. I glued the thought of getting this year over with as soon as possible, in my mind. It was the first of January when I decided that my gut might just be right of how even the start of this year would kick me down on my ass.

AND I WAS RIGHT.
It did. And January is already coming to an end and still it quite more or less sucks. I’m just grateful I survived.

yours truly, riri.

just another birthday.

A happy happy birthday for me, yeay – NOT.

I can’t believe my birthday is just around the corner, it’s amazing how time flies.   The excitement  in knowing that I’m growing another year older and not to forget; still breathing, overwhelms me.

Noticed how I crossed all of the above? Just shows how this would have been what I would say, a couple of years ago but not today. Here’s how I picture it today and maybe, hopefully not, for years to come:-

I can’t believe my birthday is just around the corner. Amazing how time flies but I guess that’s what you always feel when you fill your life with nothing or maybe you just don’t take time to stop and let the happiness, precious moments sink in. Guess what? You can’t when they aren’t any. I would say I’m excited for my birthday as most people are because even when their family don’t bother to celebrate it, they have their friends with them. Even better when they’re allowed to go out with their friends.

Not saying my family don’t bother to celebrate it, we’ll have dinner somewhere yknow? And everyone is happy –on the outside. I’d like to have a party like how I used to but because of personal reasons I find it better for me to not do any. My birthday party days are over. It’s not the same anymore. No, it’s not that it’s because I’m all grown up and gotten more “sophisticated”. I don’t think that way. Just things now never seem sincere and I’d rather not have anything at all than to have people giving what they THINK they want to give but secretly find it a burden or maybe use it some other day as a point to show how much they “love” me and would “sacrifice anything” for me.

I don’t want to grow up, trust me, I don’t but looking back at how my life is now, I’m not even allowed to act like a kid and get bitch about when I - don’t - even - know - how - starts to act as if I’m “too grown up”, which in my case is also somehow a serious offence to, well yknow. And having to go to college/university and working after just shows how I wouldn’t have much time for myself or to rest so my school days are the only time I could have sleep for 8 hours (or more) although I obviously, like other teenagers, takes advantage of the fact. I guess the good side about still schooling is because you keep track on what’s happening beause it’s usually the same thing all over again.

You can’t be young forever so I’ll look on the bright side of growing up like how I’d experienced more with life, feelings and hopefully think more maturely than I am now.

So as I was saying (realise I got a little bit out of topic), I don’t get excited over birthdays anymore and to be honest, if it wasn’t for one of my friends, the thought of my birthday getting so close didn’t even ring a bell to me.

Yours truly, riri

change of carrier.

“Sya have her head set on Saito, she’s thinking of graphic designing”

“You figured out what you wanna do?”

“I wanna study psychology but i don’t know about the university or college yet”

“Heh psychology? What for? You can’t get any good job with that. Find something else”

Maybe I’ll go overseas where psychology is something, I thought to myself.
but that was just me. Me and another shattered dreams of mine.
so, what do I do now?

They say I still have time to figure out what I wanna do but I can’t waste time or can I even waste money. I don’t wanna be another disappointment, again. However I got nothing else on mind, nothing else I could possibly be able to do. I’m just that much of a useless loser. I’m thinking about my future, things like this I can’t just go with the flow because it involves money. I can’t afford to jump from one course to another. It sucks when nothing you do get supported. When you get that so much there would be a point where you just throw everything away, your hopes and dreams, just because it’s easier. Maybe not for you but you know you get fed up of being turned down all the time you just don’t bother anymore. 

yours truly, riri.

slash.

There was no other way.

That one and a half months was really pushing me of my limits. I was totally forced out of my comfort zone (but that’s totally normal, since I never actually had a comfort zone). I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff and I have one feet on the ground, the other swinging on air contemplating between life and death. 50 percent death, 20 for life and what held me back would be, as always, hopes and dreams, those which pieces I’m still working on gluing back together.

I thought I’ve stop, for good, but it’s like taking drugs. When you still have a way of reaching it, in a way or two and at one point you just go and get it. I was going bonkers, it was like trying to ignore your urge of scratching your body when you’ve chicken pox. So I did it, again. And I just kept doing it because that’s my aspirin. That’s my only ticket to peace.

Tbh, I don’t know how to recover from this madness.

Yours truly, riri.

nay or nay?

Soooo, school ea? What’s up with that?

Respect to those who couldn’t wait for school to re-open. Lol NO. They’re just excited to meet up with friends. I’m not. See, school is only two things to me; it’s either bullshit or just fucked up (mind my language). Usually it’s both. If it wasn’t for my lack of money for home school or for my hopes and dreams to achieve before you find me dead in an alley, trust me I’d find every way possible to get expelled. I know this sounds so self-centred but who can blame me.

If you haven’t noticed, it’s not about the learning part though most times I complain about that. It’s school itself, and the teachers, everyone in it. No offence. Friends or no friends, I’d forever pick staying home rather than to go to school if I had the choice. Although home is more or less depressing as well but at least I have my space, sorta. I guess it’s because school just reminds me of home minus the tv and my room.

And I don’t need to live up to each and every one of the teachers’ expectations, to do what they tell me to and get smack if I didn’t. If you wanna get paid for beating up people, join the mafia. And the nagging, bitching about yedayedi: I get enough of that at home.

No one gets it, really. I repeat NOBODY FREAKING GETS IT. It isn’t your typical “I hate school” crap. The layer of abhorrence and disgust for school to me is way too deep beyond comparison. Note that.

Yours truly, riri.

so 2013.

I would say I'm in shock, as always, of how rapidly the holiday came to an end and how school would start soon, very very soon, however, how unusual of me to not be. 

To say that the reason being I'm ecstatic about going back to school would be pure bullshit. Never will I have that much passion for school. Guess it's just I got exasperated, sick and tired of being anxious. I just wanna get things over with. Give me your best shot, I'll be the last one standing. I've felt too much these past years that I can barely feel anything at all now.

Resolutions: none that I know of. I hope for nothing and preparing for shit because well that's whats coming my way, it always has been so better fill up the guns. No complaints. I can't imagine my life and how I'd be now without all that I've been through. It's like a love-hate thing to me, this soreness but I'm in love with it.

I'm not hoping for anyone to stay. I've left quite a few myself. I'm as tired of people as I am of school. A little bit more heartless by day. I'm just lucky I have some who still stand by me. I got my head cleared up. Searching for some lose screws. To be a better person - I don't know if I might be able to do that this year; not sure if I even want to. I'm just going with the flow. I wish this year I'd live life more but, I can't bet on that.

So 2013, let's get it over with shall we?

Yours truly, riri.

story 13: love of strangers.

Is this normal?

Lately, I've talked a lot to strangers. I don't know maybe I just love the mystery. I find it exciting. Is it weird to say that I have the strong urge to randomly kiss strangers I meet in malls or so?

 Always wanted to 'hi' a stranger who won't ignore it or who is actually cool enough to have a chat maybe. The first time we met was on let say a Saturday at a coffee shop. Wait no, it was at I don't know the streets maybe and I was high. I was running around skipping, shouting, jumping, twirling when I accidentally bumped into him and I apologised. Still high, I just stood there and stared into his eyes. He went all "Whaat? why are you looking at me like that?" and that made me laugh. I tried talking but I kept giggling in between each couple of words. He was walking away. "Waaait!", he looked back. "I'm riri. you?" I started talking gibberish just giving him more reasons why he shouldn't hang around but he did. We started talking and talking non-stop. It was getting late but you know it's cool. 

It's fun opening up to people you don't know when you know you won't see them again. It's fantastic. It starts there and ends there. 

 And for weeks, each Tuesday we would meet again at the very same place, talking about how our day or week was. Sometimes random shit. I was always with a bag of Doritos, we'd share that. In return he'd buy me a drink. He was older, 4/5 years difference. I called him Cig because he keeps nagging on how I shouldn't smoke. He would take it away and take some for himself. Ass. He's 5 ft 5, jet black hair, light brown eyes, slim with a "every sinner has a future" tattoo on his right arm. He looked like a mess, a hot one. He was pretty amazing. He didn't judge me for what I do or done. "I know why and what made you do it" he would say. I dig him and his stories. He'd tell me what he thought about things, everything, anything. I'd sit and listen, he's different. I like that shit. There are moments where he'd stop and look at me beaming, then he'd put his hand on my head and give it a little nudge then give out a little laugh while he's at it. I'd get berserk like "What are you laughing at dammit?!".

 Sometimes he'd hug me, so tight and I felt like I couldn't just let go of this, of him. I don't wanna go home. I could feel him getting all teary, crying silently. 

The last time we met, I ask for his number. It shocked me how he gave it to me. I was just kidding at first doubting he would give it. We text sometimes yknow when he was free. One day he text me "I don't think I could go on like this". I couldn't understand. "I'm running out of time. I gotta go" he added. What did he meant by that? Where was he going? Then he called.. 

 Me: Hey..are you okay? 

Him: Babe.. I

Me: what? whaat? 

Him:... Me: Fuck it! What?! Cig *cries* Tell me please.. 

Him: I.. babe.. I, I've always love.. 

Me: Love, love what? Come on man don't do this to me...please. 

Him: You. I love you. Remember 

Me: *stunned* *takes a deep breath* I, me too. I love you too. 

Him: So much. 

Me: Yeah. 

 tuuut tuuut tuuut tuuut - the line got cut off. shit. 

 I never heard from him after that. A couple of months I've waited when I got a letter, it was from Cig, the date was on a few weeks before we lost contact. I got the letter late, how? He, I lost him to lung cancer. I LOST HIM. That last night where he gave me the tightest hug he'd ever gave, was the last hug he would ever give. Who would have known the first time the word "I love you" ever came out from him, his mouth itself, to me, was also the last. Tuesdays never meant the same to me ever again.

Yours truly, riri.

stop & stare.

Everything, everyone, that was once so close now seems a million miles away.

Was it them who left me or was it me who walked away than to stay by their side? Honestly, I don't know. I'm taking a step back and slowing things down a little. Apparently the people who once said life wouldn't be the same without me, still are happy, laughing, meeting new people and NOT FIND ME. Well why be surprise. what did I expect - for them mourning over me? aha NO. I can't blame anyone though. I've never been important enough.

I'm observing what I once was so busy to even care about. The world, time, people, friends, family - they keep going on, moving on; chasing things that won't even last. Meanwhile here I am, watching how fast things are passing by. This time it's time for me to decide, what's worth doing and whom is worth staying with.

yours truly, riri.