ma.

I’m sorry for not being what you have always thought and expected I would be. I’m not comfortable with you or even myself anymore. I am not able to speak nor can I express my feelings and act in the right way. You see me yet without you knowing, you’ve lost me.

 The only reason I’m still here is because no matter how selfish I want myself to be at times, I still think about you and all the work you might not manage to do without me. I think of Sya, and brobro and him. I think of how I’ve always wanted to make him proud and of all the times I’ve messed up when he was still alive. All the things he gave me and me as a little spoilt brat back then, all I was able to do was ask and nothing was ever enough. Him, dying right before my eyes was a tight slap on the face ma. I changed, I tried completely to change 360 degrees ma. Didn’t you noticed?

 I know why you’re the way you are ma, and I know why dad and grandma are like that. I know you’ve been through a lot because of me but life isn’t just unicorns and rainbows to me too ma. I don’t have friends anymore, I don’t make them, I don’t get attach, and I for sure don’t talk as much as I used to. I try not to say what might hurt you, about you, to them. I try to avoid going to anyone’s house or go out just so you wouldn’t be burdened to send me there. I don’t take any classes anymore because that requires money and in the end I’d be nothing but a failure anyway and I know I am at fault for skipping school and making you and dad fight but I can’t help it. I can’t stand being around people.

Believe me ma, I never wanted to be such a troublemaker. I know I’m a mistake, you told me that before. You had a fight but I was left. Were you left by one of your parents before, ma? I don’t put hopes up anymore. I don’t believe in getting married or having kids although I want to but I wouldn’t dream of having any one of both. I never asked to be born and swear I would’ve let myself drown in that pool at Bukit Merah when I was younger if I knew I was gonna be such an asshole as I grew older that I was to make you resent me.

Honestly, there were times when I wanted to just act like brother and automatically if I did, I would never come back but I still think of how it would be like if I was in your shoes so I let it be, I suck it up and tried although you tell me I’m selfish. I can’t tell you what’s wrong, you wouldn’t understand. To you I am screwed up but I know you still see good in me but that’s fading; I could see it in your eyes and  honestly I can no longer swallow all the things you tell me that I am without taking it to heart. To hear you tell me I am everything bad you can think of over and over again is just disheartening even if it is my fault. It’s sad how just like everybody else, you misjudge and misinterpret me as well. I know you’re fragile but how long am I supposed to protect myself and you before it’s finally time for you to be the one to protect me?

 How long am I supposed to fake who I am just to be what you want me to be ma?

yours truly, riri.