a sad surprise.

26 Jan 2013 2:45am – I just got back from Perak it was my birthday on the 25^th and I went into my room and the first thing that caught my eyes was all these helium balloons tied up together floating above my ceiling and I was just flabbergasted. That was when the flashback begun:

I don’t know maybe I was seven or six or something it was at night when we reached my grandparents’ house. I was so excited to meet them that I fell and scrape my knee while I was running towards them. The surprise was when I entered the house and I saw helium balloons above me, tons of them. There was this particular red massive one that I just fell in love with the moment I laid my eyes on it. It was surreal. It was amazing and beyond my expectations at the moment. It was my birthday. My late grandfather did this, all for me. At that time I really did felt special.
I really was special.

So back to this year’s story.

I was just starring at the balloons and subconsciously, it got me all teary. The memory just hurt so bad. I was so pleased and flustered at the same time I just couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling or what I should choose to feel. My mum came in I saw her face drop seeing the expression I put on. I thanked her but perhaps it didn’t sound sincere. I guess I broke her heart a bit. I wasn’t ungrateful, I was just full of emotions that it made me sick. I just wanted to cry but I couldn’t afford to, I wasn’t ready to open up. Crying is sickening and it would just show her how much I needed help and I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that because she needs help more than I do.

I decided to suck it up and run downstairs. I was happy, it was a thoughtful surprise but as I said the memory screwed me. It reminded me of my lost childhood that brought me back to my late grandfather and when it comes to that, I couldn’t stop my flooding memory of the day I saw him dying right before me, his cold body, the blood coming out of his ears, the way my mum just collapse; it was disheartening.

yours truly, riri.