stop the love.

But seriously, where is the love?

Mine got lost a couple of years back. Found  and been thrown away further by another. I don’t know what sick lie I got myself into. Well lesson learned. Nothing is worth fighting for if it isn’t worth losing.

I’ve lost the feeling of needing someone to be there for me. Save me; that knight in shinning armour. No not this time, not now. I don’t want to be save just to be vulnerable and even more easy to crack once I am left. I can go on my own. I know who I am and I know how I am. I don’t need a guy to make me feel special or just so I could feel worth it. I suck at relationships not because I’m bad at it but it’s because I’m too nice in it.

Why am I ever enough? Why do they leave in the end? Why do I fall so hard? I have answers now. I’ve figured it all out.

Subliminally, my mind knows how my heart can’t take it so it takes control of it subconsciously and smartly letting the heart think it was all it’s idea. The plan was to make the heart fall for guys that it thinks is too good for it but not to others. Makes me want to make the ones unloved, feel special when deep inside it knows that with how I roll, sooner or later they’d leave in the end. Sometimes it knows that at some point, it was my turn to leave. Technically the mind knows how the heart works and all these feelings inside all together and it knows that no matter how I want a relationship to last, I could never stay committed without screwing way too many times as if trying to be left on purpose.

Have you noticed how you know the criteria of your so-called dream guy but you never actually fall for those types; you fall for quite the opposite? Like how the guys who likes me, the ones I tend to ignore: they’re my so-called mr- close - enough - to - perfect although I never could really like them more than a friend. I guess because deep inside I’m not scared to fall so hard, I’m scared of being the one to leave, petrified of breaking hearts so I let myself be the victim just because I couldn’t take the guilt. If that’s not it, it probably means, obviously, that I can’t take the commitment or maybe I’m just not ready or it could even be because I’m just in love with the pain it leads to.

yours truly, riri.