i'm no longer me.

“Sometimes I wish I could save you” but I’m not ready to be saved.

Remember how I said I can’t promise to be a better/nicer person this year? Surprising how that’s the only resolution I manage to make come true. Oh wow, applause please *claps hand sarcastically yet annoyingly*. Guess that’s what happens when you're so nice to the people who doesn’t give a shit or appreciate you enough for so long that it makes you feel like you’re worthless: a switch is turned on and you my nice old friend, you, you start being/becoming a bitch. Like rebellion towards being miserable just for the sake of making people happy.

Wanna know the saddest part? That’s when people start to resent you. It drives you away from them. At times, it also makes you feel shitty and you’re overpowered by the guilt you feel that occurs as you hurt yourself by hurting them. You don’t wanna lose them in fact,but at the same time you couldn’t care less. You lose direction, forgetting the fact why you were where you are in the first place; you become a complete mess doubting your existence. Doubting the world.

“You used to be so nice” or “you’ve changed”, they tell me. It makes me wonder, that maybe, maybe all this while no one ever did know me because that makes so much sense of how they don’t get why I’m acting the way I am now. They only realise when they’re the ones being hurt, funny how the thought of them hurting someone else’s feelings whether purposely or not, never hit them in that thick heads of theirs. It’s stupid how nobody gives a shit when you treat them right and when you don’t they judge and condemn. I guess that’s how the universe works and maybe, those people I thought loved me for who I am despite my flaws and all the mistakes I've done- they only love me for all the things I do or would do for them.

See, I’ve come to the point where I am completely becoming a different person. That all the good things I say would happen to me one day are lies I tell myself just so I could go on through another day. I’m becoming two person at once depending on where I am and who I’m with. The old me and the bitchy me. I feel like I have no control of what I’m doing, how I’m feeling or even the way I act anymore. I’ve kept everything for so long, so deep so high that it eats me inside and slowly as days pass by, I’m losing my mind and my soul inside while I put on this marvellous act of how this is just another normal phase I'm passing through.

Everyone thinks they can help. Nobody can till they understand. I can’t be the only one to change. I can’t be the only one to be pleasing others. I can’t be everything for everyone.

But they don’t get that.

I’m not drowning, I’m not letting myself stay on the ground it’s just I’m too tired to get up. I lost myself in my pool of emotions and screwed up feelings and swear I’m trying to not let it get to  me but this level of depression I can’t handle the way I once did once upon a time ago. I can’t be alone on this but I don’t dare to let anyone in. I don’t wanna be saved but I need to. I am selfish, to myself, to everyone else. I am the only thing that’s in my way and...

yours truly, riri.