friendless by choice.

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. I think.

You know what I’m tired of? The fact that everybody thinks that I have a whole bunch of friends and that me being popular (not that I am. This is said and believed by quite a few people for reasons I don’t know), I interact and socialise with everybody. That everyone who follows me or likes my photo or talk to me are my friends. “Oh she’s so lucky, popular with friends and fans and she’s pretty but ungrateful acting all alone and pathetic”, oh dear ignorant deceived people, how shallow can you get?

You can be popular to the world, happy and be crowded around people 24/7 but it doesn’t exactly mean everything is as it seems. No, this isn’t some petty post about how no one wants to be my friend or I’m a forever alone loser who’s invisible to my surroundings. I’m not gonna lie. I know I have people who wants to be friends with me. Shit this isn’t to brag because well no matter how much of a loser you think you are, there’s always at least one person who has always wanted to be your friend. Or maybe people who sees me as a friend but to me I’m just another acquaintance and I know that they know they are the same to me.

See I’m not the kind that will ring or text you 24/7, I don’t talk as much as I think and I don’t open up to people. I no longer take in people to let them stay. I don’t trust. The ones I have, I keep, the one who comes, I let them pass by. I know how it’ll end and I can’t make myself care anymore to keep a friendship or relationship. I don’t favour making new friends, if it’s gonna happen it will. 

I don’t get it, I don’t have the heart to say;we all don’t but why do we call them “friends” when we can’t even be ourselves with them, when almost every smile or laugh we glue on our face are either forced or fake? It’s because we know how it’s like to know that people we hang around with might not even want to be with us but we’re too much of a coward to say it or we’re just too lazy to go through or scared of what it will get us into if we do.

This is why I’d rather be alone or avoid starting a conversation if it is not needed. Because doing something hypocritically is tiring and it’s suffocating.

yours truly, riri.