memory hoarder.

Collecting memories - keeping memories - hurt by memories - Burn. Delete. Burn. Delete. ERROR. AN ERROR HAS OCCUR. I REPEAT, MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

I remember the days where all I hold on to when everything was falling apart, were the memories. I remember myself saying “Hey come on, we’re not gonna live forever. Let’s make memories, happy moments like this should be cherish!”. Despite every shit I went through that time, it was the memories that kept me going. It was the thought of how if I could go through this day- no problem- and chances are tomorrow could be a better one for me.

But that was back then.

As year by year passes, feelings faded, friendships lost, and all has changed- spending my nights thinking of the past just lead me to tears and heartache. It wasn’t how it ended, it was how I couldn’t do anything to still make it happen. Though I was a little sunshine in the past so to me, it was okay it hurt me; it was stories to take to grave. It was a one in a lifetime thing, it was what made me the person I am today. It’s a piece of myself from the past that I could bring around just to remind myself of who I am, where I came from and how I got to where I am now.

I’m a hoarder, see, I keep everything that I can if it were to be a part of me –
that is till 2012 happened.

I started hating memories. I hated every happy moment that was, in the end, made up. I limited my little memory box I have inside my mind, leaving only my little piece of childhood not forgetting some bits from 2010 and 2011 and that is when I drew a line. A line between what I let myself remember and what I should never go through again. I know memories are hard to erase but I’ve glued it to the unseen part of the back of my head; the one to be forgotten.

Before the start of 2013, I deleted, burned and threw away all that was to be gone by then. I wanted a fresh start. Unfortunately I became too numb and heartless and god, I couldn’t care less even if I wanted to about making new memories, keeping friends close or making new ones. I’m practically a zombie most of the time; the living dead so what are memories for if you’re not planning to make any?

Maybe one day I’ll open up again or I'd change to my little sunshine self, if I feel like it.

Yours truly, riri.