in or out, on you.

Whatever it is I say or have said, I don't want anyone to be there unless they want to themselves. I don't need anyone telling me the things I want to hear or pretend to give a shit when they could care less. I give my key to whoever I let in, so walk on out if it's how you feel.

-riri-

come inside me.

Once barely consuming, now consumes everything.

It's all in my head, that's what everyone says. I know. I used to think that it feeds on me but I'm feeding it. Sick is thanking myself for all these photos. Feels like I take forever comparing. Every single day, every moment I get to see my reflection, every mirror is a death sentence to be. I've been having a hard time feeling or thinking straight. Every day's another battle. My mind's a peculiar sort of silent. I know that in this peace, there is chaos waiting to happen. If I've to make myself believe that I don't want to be here, doesn't that already says a lot? I'm tempted to go backwards.

-riri-

pdg.

I know you don't want to be here.
Nobody really wants to be here.
Not for me at least.

-riri-

appreciation post.

For that Sunday night, Monday morning, and whatever after or in between.

For being honest and real. For asking, coming over, lepak sekali sekala.

Siapa sangka?

-riri-

to always be wrong.

*suffocates over my own presence*

It's moments like this that makes me wish my room was clean, the curtains are closed, it's cold and I'm under my comforter, my emotional playlist is on, I'm high but not alone; this time I'm with someone who doesn't have to rush to go, who doesn't mind the silence or my disgusting petty crying but I'm better off imagining things or disregarding everything all together.

I've been such a nuisance. Still it has been nice to see how not everyone I know thinks so. But I don't really know anyone and those at the moment who doesn't mind are just a couple of people I know out of everyone. Everybody else think it's too much. I know I'm a lot more than I used to be because they're not used to this. This isn't how I always was to them. This doesn't seem like me at all. Truth be told it always has been. 

Difference is before this it's never been more than just an idea. It has always been in my head. I'm anxious and nauseated by how my mind has been working. I don't want to be a part of anything, I'm supposed to lay it low. I'm supposed to be on my own. Everything's contradictory. It's funny how nothing is really wrong or right. Everything you do has its own consequences but I still feel wrong, every time.

And I'm sorry.

-riri-

loud but silent.

So I'm here being a girl, stalking a guy, saving his birth date, thinking of ways to say things, hoping it doesn't backfire but believing that there is a high chance that it would. So passive but so aggressive.

backup and go.

Cigarette butts, ashes on the mattress, burnt stain on the blanket, the pillows, some leftover french fries, and the air conditioning that hasn't been off for two days. I should be up and get going now. But last night I started remembering things as thoughts run and rushed into my semi conscious mind. Now I'd rather just hibernate. Besides, it's not like I came here to stay.

This is too easy, it's no longer my scene.

-riri-

"no reason".

Another moment of losing my head;

I don't want to be alone but I don't want anyone to be there.

'far'? no it's fad.

Some things just happen.

// Because it was meant to. //

// Because we made it. //

I don't know why we decided to but I'm glad we did.

I don't think about what was or kill myself over what to say or do (yet).

And despite the awkwardness, it's still nice. It feels comfortable.

I don't usually do comfortable.

So lets see where this goes.

-riri-

steppingstone.

Victimise yourself, go ahead.

I used to love these things. Made something out of everything, giving meaning to what has none. However I'm at that stage where I find it difficult to feel again. Most things rather bland, daily routines feel like too much work, mind's empty, I feel nothing or rage. For now there is no in between. I don't know where my head is, or if it's still mine. No remorse or sympathy just annoyance and suffocation. A few days ago I drowned again. I thought of picking myself up yesterday. It was just a thought. I'm not one able or reliable to make decisions right now. 

I've no idea what I'm doing or where I am, I just know that for the time being, I don't want to figure it out yet. I'm going to let myself enjoy everything I don't feel before I start fucking myself over with all the things I know I would soon. I don't like what I'm doing because of how it affects everyone else. People always assume I do the things I do just to spite them. When the only person I've ever really beaten up is myself. Enough of the miserable talk, something new is arising; I can't wait for everyone to blame me for it.

-riri-

suck on that.

I don't believe anything at all is real at the moment.

I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror the way I always do.

I can fit the shorts I bought at the beginning of the year. Again.

My cup is half empty, skin back to how it was and talk about that look in my eyes.

The only difference is my hair colour, and well maybe where I am. Obviously.

I forgot how this was like. I just knew it never left.

I know this isn't really what I'm used to. Then again maybe it's all that I've ever known.

I can't tell if I feel the things I do or if I'm subconsciously forcing myself to.

I just know that for the moment being, everything's the same, no one's different.

Back when I figured that maybe I was meant to be on my own,

I never expected that I would reach a point where it'd be exactly how I've pictured it to be.

Except of course, I knew. I've always known and so this shouldn't be a surprise for me. It isn't.

Used to be on the inside looking out, then outside looking in. 

Now I'm just in the middle, of nothing.

I don't expect anyone to understand.

And I've stopped believing anyone would choose to if they could.

I used to think I might actually meet someone who would until it really hit me that nobody,

no one at all should. I can't recall if it was what I once searched for or believed I needed to have. 

I never needed anyone as much as I've always been there for everyone.

Lacking my own presence, never giving myself away like that but to everyone else.

What's becoming of me, is just another huge experiment, something to laugh and talk about.

But I guess I enjoy that, making people think they've got a role to play, that they're important.

What if no one's really anything at all?

"It's all in your head." They'd tell me.

-riri-

little to none.

I can't tell if I'm subconsciously giving reasons for people to leave or testing their sincerity of being with me. Making it look as if I've started caring when really I'm just fooling around, becoming more than one person at once. Characters after characters, lies after lies, I've lost touch with who I am. Going around filling the void when I know better, when I know exactly what I should be doing. There is this hollowness I've forgotten about, a blackhole slowly sucking me in from the inside- I'm exhausted, drained, jaded. Slowly crawling out of myself, I see me. Don't feel me or know me.

I go back to days where I felt this way in hopes that I'll find my way again but it's different this time. That makes it more difficult to comprehend. Right now it's not too much, not too little, not enough but it's there. Like it's floating above me, following me, waiting for the right moment to consume me. I don't want to do this again but every fucking phase they tell me about is just the same thing that comes in different waves. I don't believe I'll ever get better but I get through. At the moment I'm not. At the moment I'm static, trying so hard to hold on to what isn't even there. It'd be a surprised to even know what it is that isn't there. Or finding out that there wasn't ever anything at all.

Thinking of the extremes, but I've grown from that; that's what I've been brainwashing myself to accept but I know what it's really like. I no longer belong, not that I've ever before. The silence is banging in my head, everything so violent. I know that my hands and my throat, my arm and my head is playing with me, they're teasing me. There is a plan I'm unaware of, there is a destruction coming ahead of me if I'm not careful. Wary of the situation, this doesn't intimidate me- the thought of myself turning my back against me does.

-riri-

a moment's end.

For a moment I thought I didn't love him. 

In that moment I made myself believed that it was alright, 

that this was enough.

Until I started wishing it was him next to me, 

saving me the way he did. 

That it was his hand, his lips, 

instead of anybody else's.

That 3:58 1st October would last a bit longer 

even though I knew- 

where this was heading to.

Funny how you find yourself in what is lost 

and lose yourself in the things you find.

I'm fine.

-riri-