one word: mampus.

And I feel like letting go
once again
of all the people I love
and those
who loves me
I am tired and tired of them
getting tired of me
even if they're not
at one point I know and believe
that they will.

-riri-

"budak besar".

I have moments where I would talk in proper malay,
or at least close enough to so. And on one fine day this happened:

Tidak mengapa. Saya okay, saya dah besar. Tak perlu risau.

"Tapi budak besar pun tak selalunya ok, budak besar memerlukan seseorang untuk menjaga budak besar sebab kadang kadang budak besar tak sedar yang budak besar sakit so budak besar memerlukan seseorang. I love you, jaga diri tau jangan mengalah kamu boleh ya budak besar" 

It hit me hard, what she said. I was blown away by how true it was. All the lack of attention and caring, after awhile you just come to the thought of how much you don't need it since you've been living without it. So you act like you don't care but it shows; it shows when you receive it, it shows how much you've been longing for it. So you act all tough and strong like you don't need no one that you could go through things by your own. You brush away affection and anything that would make you seem weak and fragile. You put your guard up high.

That moment when you're all sick and it hurts so bad inside so you lay in bed, longing for everlasting sleep but they wake you up. You can't even move, so they push you up. You're rooted to where you stand and you've somehow crossed the line testing their patience and end up getting shouted and yelled at for being problematic, for making life harder for them. You get on with it and go. You go where ever you're supposed to because that's what they want and you just have to. Blinking rapidly to sink in back the tears, thinking "screw you people, I'm fine". I'm fine. I'm fine, you would make yourself believe.

It somehow gets harder to breathe, with all the things said to you as you feel your chest contracting in so tight your ribcage breaks and you have your heart jumping up to your throat creating a big lump that disables you from talking, you just froze. That's when it hits you, how you just want to vomit your life away but you can't.

As a kid, no matter how much shit you go through, no matter how many people you start ignoring or how hurt you get, nobody can really deny that if someone were to come in and take care of them the way they didn't, they would give in. I realiSed so did I.

-riri-

till the end.

"Bila ada tak hargai, bila dah takda baru nak rindu",
she said followed by a crooked painful smile.

I have always been amazed by how my late grandfather treated my grandma.

Bagai menatang minyak yang penuh as we malays would say it. Married at the age of 18 with a man about 11 years older. Who needs to be a princess when you're already one to a man who would do anything for you. My grandfather was an incredible man. From a poor family he came, worked hard to be good enough with a stable job and enough salary to build up a family, when finally he found the one. She was the one and only daughter of Pahang's seventh chief minister.

It started of with the view of her leg to be honest. Funny I know but then the minute he saw her (not her leg), he just knew. He fell in love at first sight. Guess my grandma's father knew what he was doing when he let go of his daughter to this man. He does everything for her. She didn't even need to lay a finger on things. Loved her and adored her all his life. Being romantic and caring and responsible toward her the way no one else could ever be. Though she seem feelingless towards most things, she knows that deep inside she has what every woman on this planet would want and she was lucky. She just didn't quite show it. I understood how she felt back then, I completely understand.

Years went by, anniversaries after anniversaries, surprises after vacation trips, gifts after flowers and letters, and above all, unconditional love and undivided attention given. No matter where he was, who he was with, nothing could be compared to going home to see her and his kids. They moved away in 2005; she didn't want to leave that house but she never said. Homesick and mad all inside, she did nothing to help. Guess he knew so he did all by himself but still, she was his to be treated like a princess and so that's what he did. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you don't care anymore, what matters is them being there with you even if they barely are. I could say his love for her was bulletproof. 40 years (and more to go at that time) of being with someone who seem so complicated to others yet he was the only one who knew all she wanted was to be cared for even if it seemed too late to change her. She had gotten to the point where she got stuck to be the way she was.

One day, who would ever knew, he was the first to go.

We were all surprised, he was badly missed. Still missed.

Now she tells me stories of him. She tells me what he always does or the way he would treat her once. I knew, I knew he was the best and I knew that she knew. She just never talked about it. Now when she does, I see the hurt in her eyes and how much she wishes to have him back or maybe for one last time, make things right. To have one more day, to tell him all the things she could never said, one more sight of his smile and sound of his laughter and all the stories he once told that she sometimes, did not take note of.

I know, even if she doesn't say.

Because that's exactly how I would want it.

I could say he loved her till the end of days, till the last breathe of his life.

-riri-

us.

When I look at us, I see me sitting next to you with my head leaning against your shoulder; helpless, numb and paralySed. I am your source of happiness, you are my safety, a place where I find comfort. You'll be going back and forth trying to work things out while I just stay silent rooted to where I am. Even when it seems like I'm barely there, know that I've never went away.

I wish he knew me back when I was better than this. Not now. Not when I'm unable to love or even look at people the same way again. He tries to make my day, wanting to see me happy; putting so much effort into each conversations and I know it's not easy, to put up with so much madness but still, stays. I noticed tho and I know how much he's worth. I know how lucky I am. I haven't treated him the way he deserved and to be honest I wish I could, I just can't make myself. I want to do or say things that I mean, what comes from the heart. I want sincerity. But I've lost most of the love I once had in me. The things I should be feeling for him and all the words I would have had said if I was the me I used to be, I've lost it all. Yet he still loves me. I find it amazing, how he could still see the beauty in something so ugly and broken. It overwhelms me how he see the good in all my bad. "He's a keeper" they would say. But I'm not.

If I could I would leave. I would leave for I know that he deserves so much better but it wouldn't hurt him any less if I did when all he wants is me. I am just unable to feel so strongly about a person anymore. I am unable to care or put the amount of effort I should in what we have. I am no longer what anyone wants and even if he thinks otherwise I know that I am not. Nobody wants to love a person who makes them feel unloved. I guess things happen. Maybe it was just meant to be. I am now all the things I would never be once back then. Now I'm just all that I could ever be. I am now one of the worsts and if I were him I'd say I'm under appreciated by me but I do appreciate him. And I know how he feels despite the way I treat him because he's a reflection of who I was. I used to be just like that. So in love and full of faith.

I get crazy really, one minute he's all I want and the next I'm sick of myself and what I have with him. I get so confuse but I know for sure that no matter how cold I get, he shouldn't worry. Because I'm not the type to go around finding new people to be with. Even if I do get comfortable with other guys, even when it seems like I don't care anymore, he would always be with me in my mind. Above all, even if it doesn't show, I love him a lot, maybe not as much but I do. It's there in my heart and that's what's keeping me from going. See if I've let you in, I'm with you, just you. You can bet on that.

-riri-

me and school.

thought of 2:54 a.m :

I don't think people get how much hatred I have for school. I mean not the building, the thought of it and how it triggers my depression. The anxiety I get of being around so many people and being asked questions I can't or don't even want to answer. Having to believe things I refuse to. I don't think anyone gets how much it disturbs me both mentally and emotionally. I don't think anyone would even take me seriously on this matter when I tell them. They keep asking why and why and why, some things I just don't know how to answer. I just wish they'd understand that. I just wish they wouldn't push me so hard in doing what I really can't or don't want to. I didn't choose to be this way. It just happens to be that all I went through made me and turned me into this and I can't deny that I let it. But how am I supposed to even go back to who I was before? Exactly, I can't. Even if I could it'd be hard.

-riri-

lost chance.

I was asked to wait behind,
while the others went out for recess.
The teacher shot me with questions,
none I could really answer.

And, that's how I lost my chance.

I didn't expected that. It totally got me off guard. I have never had the thought of it crossing my mind. She asked me so politely that just in that few minutes I felt like I was cared for. I felt like people do worry, they just don't know how to approach me. I was on the verge of giving in, telling her the real reason I stayed home. I wanted to tell her what was going on at home. I wanted to just let it out so maybe they wouldn't be so confuse and frustrated over my constant absence in school but, I couldn't. If she had just spend a bit more time on trying to convinced me that I could trust her, I actually think I would blurt it all out. I guess no matter how much you can't or refuse to trust adults and their double-meaning words, you end up going back to them. I guess I needed that. Maybe I just wanted comfort in one. To tell her or any adult that would listen to understand. I guess all I need is someone to hear me out, someone that would and could actually help me out and make a difference. It's too late for that.

As I walk out of the lab, I can't deny the fact that I felt a bit disappointed 

but it was already too late to turn around.

-riri-

what we never had, we can never get back.

You can't blame me for comparing my life with other peoples',
If you keep comparing me to every single person you meet who to you,
seems way better than me.

They say let bygones be bygones. They also said learn from your mistakes.

They said forget the past. They also said you gotta look back once in awhile.

I thought she would know me better. I thought that maybe out of all the people I know, I could trust her. How do you even trust the person who doesn't trust you? I wish people knew me better but I end up being the opposite of what/who I really am to them. It's sad to know the people you've known since forever would believe everyone else over you. She tells me she misses the old me, the one she used to know. They all say that. Ignorant to the fact that they are the cause behind the change they're seeing. What if maybe they never did knew me? That maybe I was never myself with them. I was once what I would say, the reflection of what they wanted me to be.Things don't work that way. You don't find who you are by what they make you believe that you are.

What happen to you? You used to be so nice. You never used to be this rude. You used to this, you used to that, you used to blablabla - she would ask me. She wants what she lost. How could we get back what we never even had? There was never trust, never compromises.

I know I've done things in the past that I'm not proud of, I've done some mistakes and I know it's hard to forget but shouldn't they try to? As if it was that easy for me to get over it but no, they just have to bring up the topic over again from time to time. I learned my lesson so why can't we just let it go? I guess no one really cares of who you are now when they've known who you were then. They asked for an explanation but they never listen. Their ego can't take it. If it was their fault even, they still had to be known for being right. A bit selfish I would think that for the own good of your ego, you'd ruin what once seem so lively.

-riri-

thought of 12:40.

12:40 a.m :
The thought of what used to be

They say there's always gonna be that one person who will always have a place in you heart. Even when they leave, even if you let go, you never really do. You always end up going back to them. You might not talk as often to each other as you used to or barely even talk to each other but there's always a day at least where after days, weeks or even months when you or them, just popped up with maybe, for starters, a simple yet meaningful hello. They could be anyone at all. It's just sad to know that sometimes (most of the time I guess) you're the only one who feels that of the person or if maybe they feel that way as well but with someone other than you. The realisation of how the thought of them being "the one" applies on them but not on you to them is rather devastating.

It's the person no matter how far you've drifted apart or how much things have changed between you two, if they were to ask for help, you would be there pronto. That person you'd go catch the stars for, the one you'd do anything for despite having all the people you've met and loved or still love. You can't shake off the feeling you have toward them even if you do despise them in any way, they'd always be things you would miss about them. It's the person you get overexcited at when they start talking to you first even if the conversation is, far from interesting. The feelings always there, it's always gonna be there somewhere deep inside of you, visible only if you let it show.

Some would want this back and start over. Others, like me for instance, would want this back & to start over but would rather not. Knowing that the person doesn't feel the same way and also were the one to have left, it lets you know where you stand. And so even when I do miss this, the only time I ever go back to it is when it all meant so much to both side. I would want it back but not when they don't. No matter how comfortable I get and how far I go back, I know I'd never really stay there. Forced to move forward and I guess it's okay. I go back for the only memories left. Get the picture?

-riri-

love-less.

I have gotten to a point where,

I am unable to love anyone as much as I used to,

I am so in love with what once used to be so lively,

 that it's almost impossible to be in love with anyone other than me.

-riri-