us.

When I look at us, I see me sitting next to you with my head leaning against your shoulder; helpless, numb and paralySed. I am your source of happiness, you are my safety, a place where I find comfort. You'll be going back and forth trying to work things out while I just stay silent rooted to where I am. Even when it seems like I'm barely there, know that I've never went away.

I wish he knew me back when I was better than this. Not now. Not when I'm unable to love or even look at people the same way again. He tries to make my day, wanting to see me happy; putting so much effort into each conversations and I know it's not easy, to put up with so much madness but still, stays. I noticed tho and I know how much he's worth. I know how lucky I am. I haven't treated him the way he deserved and to be honest I wish I could, I just can't make myself. I want to do or say things that I mean, what comes from the heart. I want sincerity. But I've lost most of the love I once had in me. The things I should be feeling for him and all the words I would have had said if I was the me I used to be, I've lost it all. Yet he still loves me. I find it amazing, how he could still see the beauty in something so ugly and broken. It overwhelms me how he see the good in all my bad. "He's a keeper" they would say. But I'm not.

If I could I would leave. I would leave for I know that he deserves so much better but it wouldn't hurt him any less if I did when all he wants is me. I am just unable to feel so strongly about a person anymore. I am unable to care or put the amount of effort I should in what we have. I am no longer what anyone wants and even if he thinks otherwise I know that I am not. Nobody wants to love a person who makes them feel unloved. I guess things happen. Maybe it was just meant to be. I am now all the things I would never be once back then. Now I'm just all that I could ever be. I am now one of the worsts and if I were him I'd say I'm under appreciated by me but I do appreciate him. And I know how he feels despite the way I treat him because he's a reflection of who I was. I used to be just like that. So in love and full of faith.

I get crazy really, one minute he's all I want and the next I'm sick of myself and what I have with him. I get so confuse but I know for sure that no matter how cold I get, he shouldn't worry. Because I'm not the type to go around finding new people to be with. Even if I do get comfortable with other guys, even when it seems like I don't care anymore, he would always be with me in my mind. Above all, even if it doesn't show, I love him a lot, maybe not as much but I do. It's there in my heart and that's what's keeping me from going. See if I've let you in, I'm with you, just you. You can bet on that.

-riri-