look at me now.

Tuesday 9 July 2013

"budak besar".

I have moments where I would talk in proper malay,
or at least close enough to so. And on one fine day this happened:

Tidak mengapa. Saya okay, saya dah besar. Tak perlu risau.
"Tapi budak besar pun tak selalunya ok, budak besar memerlukan seseorang untuk menjaga budak besar sebab kadang kadang budak besar tak sedar yang budak besar sakit so budak besar memerlukan seseorang. I love you, jaga diri tau jangan mengalah kamu boleh ya budak besar" 

It hit me hard, what she said. I was blown away by how true it was. All the lack of attention and caring, after awhile you just come to the thought of how much you don't need it since you've been living without it. So you act like you don't care but it shows; it shows when you receive it, it shows how much you've been longing for it. So you act all tough and strong like you don't need no one that you could go through things by your own. You brush away affection and anything that would make you seem weak and fragile. You put your guard up high.

That moment when you're all sick and it hurts so bad inside so you lay in bed, longing for everlasting sleep but they wake you up. You can't even move, so they push you up. You're rooted to where you stand and you've somehow crossed the line testing their patience and end up getting shouted and yelled at for being problematic, for making life harder for them. You get on with it and go. You go where ever you're supposed to because that's what they want and you just have to. Blinking rapidly to sink in back the tears, thinking "screw you people, I'm fine". I'm fine. I'm fine, you would make yourself believe.

It somehow gets harder to breathe, with all the things said to you as you feel your chest contracting in so tight your ribcage breaks and you have your heart jumping up to your throat creating a big lump that disables you from talking, you just froze. That's when it hits you, how you just want to vomit your life away but you can't.

As a kid, no matter how much shit you go through, no matter how many people you start ignoring or how hurt you get, nobody can really deny that if someone were to come in and take care of them the way they didn't, they would give in. I realiSed so did I.

-riri-

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