look at me now.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

second chances.

You know that song 'Rocketeer' by Far East Movement? I bet you do. Wanna know something? That song somehow makes me believe again, believe in myself. It somehow inspires me in some ways.

Okay I'll put that a side now. So do you believe in second chances? I do. I believe that everyone, I repeat EVERYONE deserves a second chance. For me, it's easy to give people second chances. In fact, I don't mind giving more than that but some people keeps misusing those chances I give and for that, I get tired of giving chances. Why do people do that? Why the hell take advantage of things? I don't ask for much, just for people to appreciate me. At times I ask myself is it so hard to say "thankyou"?

One problem about me is, I can't stop believing that people could change. I believe that I mean something to them. I believe that every time I give someone a second chance or so, they would be better than before but at times things just gets worst. I hate how some people keeps messing with my feelings/ hurting me and so and so just because they know that I would give them another chance to make things better even when I know that they won't.

yours truly,riri .

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

all alright with a pinch of emptiness.

And I'm alright. I'm okay with this. I realised that I somehow is becoming the girl that I used to be, that eleven-year-old me. ya Allah please don't let me be that girl again. No I don't want it to happen yet it seems like it is happening. No I would not turn back to the girl that trusted no one and kept everything to herself. I'll be stronger, I know I will, yes I will. At times like this, I just wanna be alone. I'm sorry if I stop texting or answering any calls. I'm just tired. I'm building up the walls again, waiting for the one who would crash it down. I'm okay by myself. I've set everything. No more getting to attach with anybody. Not you or even you. I'm done with all these things for awhile. No i'm not giving up, I'm not broken but I just need some time. So for now, you guys could say goodbye to me for I will not be contacting any of you. I know it's stupid for me to say this but I will be waiting for the one who's gonna make me put my walls down. I'm gonna wait for someone who actually cares whether or not I'm okay. Here I am waiting. Here I am NOT expecting anyone to care.

yours truly,riri

my last week of school.

3:42a.m and I'm still not a sleep. I cried I cried I cried and I cried. I just felt awkward being all alone.


So it's the last day of school. I came at 1 something, late as always. typical me. The first two person I saw were demmy and reynah. Only Allah knows how happy I was to see them with their beautiful smile. Today wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be. I guess it's because most of our friends didn't came to school so it felt quite weird. We took a few pictures and chat. Nothing interesting happened I think. Maybe because it was raining? It almost like everyone were being so emo, especially me of course. We wanted to make that shout out vid for miyyo but Nunue's DSLR's battery died. Demmy ask me something that automatically made me cried. I don't know why. I can't believe I cried, I felt so embarrassed. I guess I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I mean what could I possible do? I'm not that strong. I gotta thank them for being there for me :')

You wanna know what happened today? Shit happened. Yes, I repeat shit happened.

So it's Saturday and I had my Jamuan Kelas at KFC/Pizza Hut. You know that one in front of Metro Point Kajang? Yeah so I was late and I didn't know where to go, thank god Arif was there to help me. I waited for about 30 minutes just to order and by that time Nunue arrived so she joined me. To be honest almost everything I ate/drank today was paid by Nunue. Awwwh she's so nice :') I kinda felt like it was just an outing for me and Nunue because everybody else left to do what they want. It was like we were separated into groups. I don't mind. So there I was with Nunue, talking walking and gossiping. haha. Kay that's not nice. Nunue went back first so there I was, ALONE. You know what's sweet? The fact that Fir was coming just because I said I was lonely there. He's such a nice guy but too bad, my mum came before he arrive. I felt so guilty. So so guilty.

Btw I text si awesome today and I felt okay. I mean he helped a lot for listening to me complain about life. Being friends is alright I guess. It's just I hate that empty feeling I get whenever we end the conversation. I hate goodbye's. I swear I hate the word "bye"/"goodbye". It hurts more than anything. Still, lets look on the bright side, anytime soon there would once again be a "hello".

Todays date is beautiful :') I went to The Curve because my brother and his friends had planned a surprise birthday party for one of his close friends. I met this guy wearing red-checkered shirt which was........ no I won't continue my sentence.

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

i haven't lost him.

My brother seems a little worried since I keep saying "eih this movie makes me sad, change it. eh this song makes me feel like I wanna cry, change it. Eih stop singing that song it makes me feel down." and he's like "eeeh why everything makes you sad ni?". Lololololo me brother so lah the caring one maaa. Nah don't worry about me, I'm okay. Like seriously I am. I slept late yesterday and the day before that and also today, it sucks when I can't sleep. So I won't try and forget everything because I just can't but I won't keep reminding myself of it too. I have to thank my brother for making me feel better by making me laugh and etc.

So here's the thing, I ain't gonna turn back to my eleven-year-old-self again, it hurts to be in that condition. For three years I've lose myself; I became someone else, someone thats not me. By that I mean unhappy. I was always the happiest girl on the block. Then I met si awesome, also known as Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh and that is when everything changed. I found myself again, I could never be more happier. He changed me :) At first I thought I was losing him but then again, I'm not. He's still here for me. Well yeah I'll always love him, one day as a friend.

Oh yeah about me not losing him. By that I mean, well, that's what I mean lah. We're friends. Hey it's cool for us to be friends rather than not talking to each other anymore. He's a great guy. I have to think positive. Anyway, maybe it's better off this way. To be honest, I'm quite surprised that he's okay with me going to him if I have a problem or just need a friend to talk to. I mean how awesome is that right? This is enough to make me feel okay, so much better than never contacting each other again. Well he didn't lied about him always going to be there for me and I appreciate that. It turns out I'm not that complicated but what we have here is. Not in a bad way of course but in a confusing way but also in an awesome way.

The girl who he will fall in love with next would be so lucky. I hope the next girl who would be with him would treat him right because that's what he deserves.

InshaaAllah everything will be okay. Yeah I love him :)

yours truly,riri

Sunday, 13 November 2011


I didn't listen to what others said and even worst, I didn't listen to myself-to my heart. Well all unanswered question has been answered. No need for me to be insecure anymore for I've known want I wanted to know. I got what I deserve. Oh no,no more heartaches :) I shouldn't be worried about anything anymore. Like always, I believed that everything happens for a reason. Yeah we're not together anymore but at least we're still friends, we could be best friends. No problemo.

The other thing that I believe is that phrase "people come and people go" and honestly I've seen a lot of people who came and left my life like it was really that easy. I've prepared myself for something like this to happen and I'm okay. It would be immature for me to say that I hate him for leaving because I don't. Like I have said before, I'll always love him. If not more than a friend, than I'll love him as a friend. No, it wouldn't be nice to say bad things about him because he's a great guy. He had changed me and I'm glad that he did. As I've said before I'm forever unbroken. This might be the end of our relationship but it's the beginning of our friendship.

He would never find anyone like me and I will never find someone like him but inshaaAllah we would find someone better for ourselves. It would be a lie to say that I'm not devastated about what happened but I'm gonna go with the flow. Sooner or later I'll get over it. He's really a nice guy I tell you and I appreciate all that he has done for me. Thanks to all the sweet things he has said or made me experience. I would never hate him, again I repeat.

I guess some are surprised that we broke up well they're not the only one because I, myself is still surprise. Just like a dream, it happened so fast. I was quite shocked that all the random things that I tweeted about relationships kinda backfired me. Like how is that possible? Well it is. I hope those girls out there who have had their hearts broken, would read this and maybe be inspired? I mean we should always remember that there's always good in bad things that happens. Maybe I won't see it now but one day I will.

yours truly,riri


4:38pm - 13/11/11 = The end.
The amount of posts about him, about us, about what used to be.
Just click on any of the title below.

 24 SEPTEMBER 2011.

Arranged all these posts in ascending order so the new ones are put below and the old ones are on the top. Like whoah I've talk a lot about him, well it doesn't really surprise me.
yours truly,riri

ciao bella.

Dear readers, hello to the non-Muslims and Assalamualaikum to the Muslims.
Let me introduce you to Afiqah Hana . Okay whaaaat? Why so proper? haha
I met this beautiful awesome 13-year-old-girl on twitter.

Our friendship was honestly unexpected. Just like every other relationship, everything started with just a "hello". I'd never expected that we would get so attached with each other. Never saw it coming but it did. I don't know why but somehow I got a feeling that we were meant to be friends. I remembered the first time she asks what was up with me because my tweets that time was so emo-like. The weirdest thing was, I told her everything, EVERYTHING. It was quite amazing how comfortable I was with her. I'm not the kind of girl who tells my problems in detail to someone who I recently know. I'm the kind who likes to keep it to myself, that only my CLOSEST friends I would tell it to but she was different to me, she's like the twitter friend I've never had. Okay I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was, I've never met someone my age, that's a girl, on any social websites that could understand me like we've been friends since well, forever. I'm really touched by the way she cares so much about me :')

I swear, the guy who gets her is gonna be really lucky. She's the sweetest girl ever. Mygeek, only Allah knows how much I appreciate her, how much she means to me. yeah I know we recently got to know each other but I really love her <3 she's the greatest most amazing friend any girl could ever have. It would be a big lost to those who left her and to those who hurt her feelings should really be kick in the ass. She's awesome and beautiful the way she is, don't you ever dare to try and bring her down. She is REAL. Someone as kind and caring as her doesn't deserve to be treated like shit. She's helped me a lot and it kinda makes me feel guilty to know it myself that I haven't help her that much but still iloveyouforevernomatterwhatcupcake :*  :*

yours truly, riri

Thursday, 10 November 2011

come as you are.

Little things like this, little sweet memories like this are the ones that keeps me going. That makes me believe that there would always be something between us. This is the guy I love, the guy who I wanna always be with. No there won't be any specific word or phrase that could relate with my feelings towards him. He might not be the greatest guy in the world but he's the greatest to me. Of course we had our moments, our ups and downs but that's just how love is. I know I've been really like ergh lately but I shouldn't be. I mean I should understand him more. : look at him, his friends who have girlfriends and boyfriends always gets to meet each other, most of them I mean. Then there's him, who BARELY gets to meet me. I should be grateful that he still chooses to stay. I know my lifestyle is a little complicated but he understands and I love him for that. I shouldn't try and find or figure out his flaws and faults that he has done.

I'm looking at the bright side and from this perspective, he's perfect. All the things we've been through. So yeah there's changes here and there but I'll get used to it. For now, having him by my side is all I want and all I need. I honestly want this to last no matter how I complain or say I don't want to, believe me- I LIE. I know once a relationship breaks, no matter how close they are or were - things would never be the same. Forget the heartaches and whatsoever, I don't wanna lose him. I don't wanna regret anything. I don't wanna be the one who cries because of my own mistake. I love him for him. I would never want him to change because who he is now,is the guy who I fell in love with before and still would be deeply in love with in the future.

As always, I will always love you Mohd Hakim Khairul Salleh :*

yours truly,riri

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

cried all night.

I was thinking about him, thinking about her, thinking about them, thinking about me. What have I done to myself I keep asking. How in the world did I get myself into such a situation, I don't even know. It's not that I think too much, but I feel too much. It's hard. Everything's getting so hard for me. Maybe it's just me,maybe I'm the one who's making things more complicated but I can't help myself. At times I think I deserve better but who am I to judge. It's now four in the morning and I'm still crying my lungs out. I don't know what my problem is. I guess I just miss someone, I miss the good moments I used to have. You know those moments when I didn't think too much and everything seems to fall right into place, that moment when nobody went away from me or leave me hanging with false hope. You know what I mean?

I'm crying about him and I'm crying  about friends. Ya Allah,why do I have to be so complicated. At times it's like I'm the only reason why my life is getting worst. I'm the reason that I'm not happy. I'm messing up myself. Ya Allah, please I need to meet him so badly. Ya Allah, I need to get things right with her. Ya Allah, I need to get back what I used to have with them. Ya Allah, please I really need to get my head straight. Please, all I need is one night without crying, one day without hurting, one week without heartache. That's all.

yours truly,riri

Monday, 7 November 2011

hello & sorry.

Waking up with swollen eyes, that's what I get for crying all night.

So I called him. I said I was sorry, I told him I love him. Talking as always, is just too hard for me. I wanted to say so much. I've even set and arranged everything neatly and systematically in my head but nothing went out. Not that I was scared, okay maybe a bit, but that wasn't the reason. It's just as soon as I heard his voice on the other line, I just kinda froze. My heart felt like it was about to explode, I was suddenly speechless as if a cat had caught my tongue. Everything felt like it had stop. I fell into an awkward silent moment and it felt as if every clock in the house had stop ticking. I took a deep breath, and finally I said "hello"

I guess it's just been awhile since I last called him or heard his voice. Maybe I was just nervous or feeling a little bit awestruck? After I said "bye", those tears filling my eyes started falling down my cheeks and at that time, I felt so dead somehow. I've been keeping myself in control to not cry while I was talking to him but I guess I just couldn't take it any more. I can't believe that I burst into tears as soon as I put the phone down. Of course I act as if I was laughing when we were texting, using "HAHA" to show as if I was happily laughing when I was actually crying alone. I just gotta suck it up, and continue my daily life as always.

yours truly,riri

gained and lost.

Honestly, I miss 2010. 2011 is full of shit.

But I gotta admit, I've learned a lot of things that no teacher could teach at school this twentyeleven. I've changed a lot since I became a secondary school student. I just hate the fact that I could be so naive at times. I put my hopes too high and trust almost everyone,in the end I end up with nothing but heartache. So I'm done with that. I've learned to stand on my own two feet. Done with stupid high expectations; done with disappointments.

I now don't expect for any of my friends to stay in my life. I'll appreciate those who choose to stay and I'll remember those who left. I hate the fact that people come and people go but I can't do anything about it. It's devastating  how those people who I once thought would be the one who would always be there for me are usually the ones who are the first to leave. It's okay, people have the right to choose. I'll just go with the flow, what's going to happen will happen. I'm tired of plans and I'm learning to just let the day take me by the hand. 2011 broke me but at the same time turned me into someone stronger. I'm tired of expecting too much, I'm tired of letting myself down and I'm tired of being tired.

yours truly,riri

i miss the old you & the old me.

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said that it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I know me and I know that I could be really complicated at times. I wish I wasn't but I am. That's just how I am and because of that, I do appreciate those who could stand me. I notice how we're no longer like before. What happened to us? I guess this might all be my fault too. Honestly, I miss you, I really do. I know I could really annoy you at times and maybe I'm not the best for you. I don't know whether you're already tired with my attitude and I wish you would say something to me, maybe something I wanna hear? I just want to know if you're tired and you're leaving or if you know that I'm really complicated but that's okay for you because you love me anyway.

I miss that guy I knew that was always here for me. I miss that guy who sent me that "baby please don't go, if I wake up tomorrow will you still be here" text when I told him that I was going to boarding school. I miss the guy that I called on 5/6/11 after hours of crying because of family problems because I know that he'll make me smile somehow. I miss that guy that used to text me almost everyday at as early as 8:30 pm when we first knew each other. I miss that guy who was always worried if someone took me away from him;who once seem like he was really into me. That guy that asked me why's my name so cute. That guy that said "asal you tak cakap you pergi concert justin bieber?kalau tak dah lama I pergi" even when he had told me before that he dislike JB. That guy who I kicked at that cheer leading competition which was also the first time I've been there because I really wanted to meet him. That time when I langgar him and he was like "siot terkejut" which fyi was so cute. That time when I stepped on his awesome purple shoes, the way he looked at me and they way he held my hand. That guy who came all the way from Shah Alam to Kajang just to meet me. Yes, that guy who I really miss.

You know what? I don't ever want to give up on you and I'm sorry if I've ever hurt your feelings or did anything wrong. I really love you with all my heart froggymeowmeow. "yeah, I will always be by your side and support you whenever :D " remember this? I know I do, I'll always do.

yours truly,riri