look at me now.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

a piece of mind.

"Life goes on" cliche. yet true.

It goes on with everyone else, whether or not you're in it to follow them. When you're stuck in the moment, know that you're the only one. It's not always hard to accept things once you've made sense out of it. There's always a good in all things bad, I've always been aware. It's how we act upon it. Even if sometimes I know what's right, or if there is a way to avoid it all; to make it simple, I don't always do what I'm supposed to. I'm clear of how the human mind works. However, sometimes our feelings, our urges, decides for us. For the fun of it. The kind that gets you bruised and broken. It doesn't occur to everyone. Some things you just can't stop. Either way, every thing was meant to be. Fated.

It might be rather far-fetch to say, but some days I'm glad people leave. I'm happy for them. Their beatific future ahead of them without me is knocking on the door. It excites me, over what is to come although some point I don't really bother, but if I was told I'd be joyous over it just as much. They now have one burden off their shoulders, whether or not I was one, I know I would be after awhile at some point. It's not so bad once you've put the pros and cons together and view it as what's life all about.

When all else fails, you know one that would never fail you.
Him. Have faith in Him. As hopeless as you get, as bad as it is.


Monday, 6 April 2015

i am better gone.

Maybe the more honest and comfortable I get with someone, the more complicated I am. It used to be kept so composed as I either be left or leave. Now it's fighting for it to last and actually bothering to talk about things and feelings. Wasn't this what I've always wanted? Although this was never a part I could've show so openly to anybody.

I find that it ends the same way. Whether or not I was who I was or who I am today. Except, this hasn't end, but it could. Maybe I am just wrong regardless of who I'm with. I wish I could make more sense of it but it isn't up to me to understand. Everyone perceive it their own way and I'm unable to change it. I don't think I can let anyone handle me any longer, it seems better for everyone to be free of my presence.

I'm backing off.


Friday, 3 April 2015

there goes my love.

"piss off" "go away" "get lost" "shut up" "leave me alone" "fuck you" "screw you" "you shit" followed by "find someone else" "I'm not right for you" "you deserve better" "I don't want to talk to you" "I hate you" "I don't want you" "I'm tired of this" "I want to give up" "I don't want to try anymore" "I'll leave you" and the ever so popular "please come back" "I need you" "I miss you" "stay" "I love you".

Every word of detestation were never valid, I never meant any of that I've said in abhorrence. Even when I said it, in that moment I knew it was never me, it was never real. I never changed, my feelings, throughout everything remained the same. Even in those moments where I wish to leave him behind, I never ever thought of ever doing it. The idea was there, but it wasn't even a debate. The answers were never clearer. I've always wanted this. I chose this, I chose him over and over again even if I did have a better choice. I've never been more sure of anything or anyone. I just wish he was as sure. All this doubts only ever petrifies me. It's dreadful to think: you know exactly what someone is to you and where they stand in your life but know they aren't as sure as you are when it comes to you. When you know you would never walk away, despite knowing that you have the chance to before they do, because they could anytime they please to and you couldn't stop them even if you wished to.

I reread the things I wrote about him, and how lucky his next one would be. Every time I do, it makes me feel ever so grateful to still have him around. I remember how he said I know him so well back then. Too bad I don't anymore, to him now. If we don't make it, I wouldn't mind. I just want him to be happy. I've never love any male (in disgust) so much. It was never just that one post. No one could ever comprehend how devastated I would be if he ever chose to get over me when I am here still so helplessly in love with him. I never give up, I only know when to go when I'm no longer needed or wanted. I know when to pack up my bags and leave when it isn't worth what I'm giving out and sacrificing. Nothing bad, just some things aren't meant to be.

It has never been that way with him. Every mistake, I want to make up to. Every wrong I want to make right. What's not enough, I'd try multiply, whether it was with effort or time I never cared much about how many tears I drowned myself with at night or when it got hard. I guess it was only ever hard for me, knowing how I am. Often it made me embarrass to say how I feel when it feels like I'm the only one getting so much into it. Every fault every pain, only led me to my own reflection. I improve myself, I try to and I honestly don't mind that I do or have to push myself so hard to, even when it only leads me to my downfall. At the end of the night nothing seems enough.

Some days, when we're in this condition, this state, just "this" again, my dreams seem to make more sense, study, get a good job, live with your kid, don't get married. It drives me to get over this and move the hell on. I can do better, I've been alone before. I've always been. But it'd be a lie to think I'd want to become what I once strived for. That envision isn't valid. Every time I think about it, I can only think of marrying him. I imagine the life we would have after. I'm not perfect. I'm much less than the word itself but in this mental picture, I would take care of him. I can't even bring myself to wake up on certain days, but I see me waiting by the door when he says he's reaching home in another 5 minutes and I'm not this kind of person to be thinking of such things.

But it's what he makes of me. Yet deep inside, I feel like whether or not I get better, as much as I want to, no one could ever be with me long enough, and is willing to attend to me, give the kind of love, attention and affection that I'm needed of. No one ever seem to notice or realised that I literally die inside for every time they give up on me or find me as a burden. I know I am. I know it's tiring and I make it worst for those with more important things in life to think about at times. It bores me at times, that they know without them, I would be able to survive fine. Sometimes they forget, I'm just like them.

I wish I was just as important. I want to love him better.
Above everything else, still I wouldn't trade being with him for the world.
It could be worst, but better when he's present and wants to be.


i should've known.

If feelings were words scribbled on my face, you might have believe how much you're worth to me. I'm just a contradictory dictionary. Confusing although patent with lies that hid all truth needed to be said to make it last. The same way he said one thing, and made it clear it meant exactly what it was. I perceive things wrongly at times subconsciously on purpose. Reassurance shouldn't be asked for but I'm just another beggar. The worst kind of it all. Sometimes I forget, we're just about the same. Often conflicting but I know we're all not that much contrasting. Although he says I don't know him, the way he thought I did.

I felt like my heart had been taken out, shredded into pieces and fed to dogs. It made me feel like all I've observed and try comprehend has become futile. All the feelings I thought I felt right, all the voices inside my head, turning against me. I see myself from above, falling on my knees as I turned to stone and break. It opposed me to all that I thought I was capable of. I can't care enough about how melodramatic it is of me, all I know is that in that very moment, I felt that I didn't only lost the person I thought I knew, but myself entirely. I lost my stand. You don't get it, and I no longer understand.

I never felt like I was worthy to claim to know him so well either, but I never knew I was that far from ever getting to. I feel horrendous. I feel betrayed, by my own self. How could I??? I can't compute all of this. I can't accept the fact. Although I've always known.


maybe all right is wrong.

My heart ached, it gave a budge, a tingle,
when I sang my all time favourite song,
while I thought of him.

I've never fancied arguments, fights, there are never worth my energy or emotions. Although I've never really saw it as so, with us. I prefer the term "misunderstanding". Fights and arguments are a whole different thing. It's nice, to sit and talk about it. You tell me how you feel and I do the same. We try do something about it, we change. In reality, people run away, no one ever changes until they decide to themselves. Nobody likes to talk and no one ever really allows themselves to understand their state of mind and just feel because they're allowed to, because it isn't wrong to hurt, to be mad, to feel utterly devastated over what doesn't feel right to you. I wish more people realise, they can talk about it, they should. Be with those who encourages you to.

I've heard, "be the change you want to see in the world", and so I've been trying. I'm that person I believe or at least half of me is. Despite how most of the people I know aren't. Where have dishonesty ever brought me to anyway. It's difficult. It's tiresome, to be the only one trying. Although I know exactly how certain people feel I can't help but to imply that they're pushing me away each time. I would do just about anything to make it better but there are days where I want to be the one saved. I want to slam the door shut and walk away to be told that I'm needed, please stay. When you know someone loves you more than enough, why couldn't you? Maybe it's human nature, to feel needed, wanted, and be given attention. Only by the right people.

Maybe I'm just wrong, from my toes to the top of my head, I'm wrong to every right, and everyone I know but me. I am wrong even if I seem right or when I believe I am. I am wrong. I would never want to make anyone feel the way I do. So in every word I say that could've sound rather despiteful, I only ever intended to be true. It would never be an intention of mine to say such, so each time I remind people of what they've done right. But we're so weak and full of self hate, we only ever notice the bad. It makes me feel so repulsed by myself each time I speak of my feelings. It never make any sense anymore, how people choose to live their lives, to me. Would it be considered narcissistic to believe although they could encounter better, there would never exactly be one with a mind like mine? A few seconds would pass and I no longer would believe it either as I reassure myself that everyone is better off without me.

I only ever wanted to make everyone feel the way they deserve, everyone I've been with or is still around deserves so much more; uncountable happiness and love. I couldn't possibly put my feelings above anyone and when I do, I either needed to or felt utterly repugnant by it. My love for them never changes, regardless of how they are with me. I don't believe anyone would ever know, notice, or realise, how much exactly that I care or how much love I have in me, that I have completely invested in them. No one ever knows how much they feel about me and that they don't really do.