look at me now.

Friday 3 April 2015

there goes my love.

"piss off" "go away" "get lost" "shut up" "leave me alone" "fuck you" "screw you" "you shit" followed by "find someone else" "I'm not right for you" "you deserve better" "I don't want to talk to you" "I hate you" "I don't want you" "I'm tired of this" "I want to give up" "I don't want to try anymore" "I'll leave you" and the ever so popular "please come back" "I need you" "I miss you" "stay" "I love you".

Every word of detestation were never valid, I never meant any of that I've said in abhorrence. Even when I said it, in that moment I knew it was never me, it was never real. I never changed, my feelings, throughout everything remained the same. Even in those moments where I wish to leave him behind, I never ever thought of ever doing it. The idea was there, but it wasn't even a debate. The answers were never clearer. I've always wanted this. I chose this, I chose him over and over again even if I did have a better choice. I've never been more sure of anything or anyone. I just wish he was as sure. All this doubts only ever petrifies me. It's dreadful to think: you know exactly what someone is to you and where they stand in your life but know they aren't as sure as you are when it comes to you. When you know you would never walk away, despite knowing that you have the chance to before they do, because they could anytime they please to and you couldn't stop them even if you wished to.

I reread the things I wrote about him, and how lucky his next one would be. Every time I do, it makes me feel ever so grateful to still have him around. I remember how he said I know him so well back then. Too bad I don't anymore, to him now. If we don't make it, I wouldn't mind. I just want him to be happy. I've never love any male (in disgust) so much. It was never just that one post. No one could ever comprehend how devastated I would be if he ever chose to get over me when I am here still so helplessly in love with him. I never give up, I only know when to go when I'm no longer needed or wanted. I know when to pack up my bags and leave when it isn't worth what I'm giving out and sacrificing. Nothing bad, just some things aren't meant to be.

It has never been that way with him. Every mistake, I want to make up to. Every wrong I want to make right. What's not enough, I'd try multiply, whether it was with effort or time I never cared much about how many tears I drowned myself with at night or when it got hard. I guess it was only ever hard for me, knowing how I am. Often it made me embarrass to say how I feel when it feels like I'm the only one getting so much into it. Every fault every pain, only led me to my own reflection. I improve myself, I try to and I honestly don't mind that I do or have to push myself so hard to, even when it only leads me to my downfall. At the end of the night nothing seems enough.

Some days, when we're in this condition, this state, just "this" again, my dreams seem to make more sense, study, get a good job, live with your kid, don't get married. It drives me to get over this and move the hell on. I can do better, I've been alone before. I've always been. But it'd be a lie to think I'd want to become what I once strived for. That envision isn't valid. Every time I think about it, I can only think of marrying him. I imagine the life we would have after. I'm not perfect. I'm much less than the word itself but in this mental picture, I would take care of him. I can't even bring myself to wake up on certain days, but I see me waiting by the door when he says he's reaching home in another 5 minutes and I'm not this kind of person to be thinking of such things.

But it's what he makes of me. Yet deep inside, I feel like whether or not I get better, as much as I want to, no one could ever be with me long enough, and is willing to attend to me, give the kind of love, attention and affection that I'm needed of. No one ever seem to notice or realised that I literally die inside for every time they give up on me or find me as a burden. I know I am. I know it's tiring and I make it worst for those with more important things in life to think about at times. It bores me at times, that they know without them, I would be able to survive fine. Sometimes they forget, I'm just like them.

I wish I was just as important. I want to love him better.
Above everything else, still I wouldn't trade being with him for the world.
It could be worst, but better when he's present and wants to be.

-riri-

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