i should've known.

If feelings were words scribbled on my face, you might have believe how much you're worth to me. I'm just a contradictory dictionary. Confusing although patent with lies that hid all truth needed to be said to make it last. The same way he said one thing, and made it clear it meant exactly what it was. I perceive things wrongly at times subconsciously on purpose. Reassurance shouldn't be asked for but I'm just another beggar. The worst kind of it all. Sometimes I forget, we're just about the same. Often conflicting but I know we're all not that much contrasting. Although he says I don't know him, the way he thought I did.

I felt like my heart had been taken out, shredded into pieces and fed to dogs. It made me feel like all I've observed and try comprehend has become futile. All the feelings I thought I felt right, all the voices inside my head, turning against me. I see myself from above, falling on my knees as I turned to stone and break. It opposed me to all that I thought I was capable of. I can't care enough about how melodramatic it is of me, all I know is that in that very moment, I felt that I didn't only lost the person I thought I knew, but myself entirely. I lost my stand. You don't get it, and I no longer understand.

I never felt like I was worthy to claim to know him so well either, but I never knew I was that far from ever getting to. I feel horrendous. I feel betrayed, by my own self. How could I??? I can't compute all of this. I can't accept the fact. Although I've always known.

-riri-