maybe all right is wrong.

My heart ached, it gave a budge, a tingle,
when I sang my all time favourite song,
while I thought of him.

I've never fancied arguments, fights, there are never worth my energy or emotions. Although I've never really saw it as so, with us. I prefer the term "misunderstanding". Fights and arguments are a whole different thing. It's nice, to sit and talk about it. You tell me how you feel and I do the same. We try do something about it, we change. In reality, people run away, no one ever changes until they decide to themselves. Nobody likes to talk and no one ever really allows themselves to understand their state of mind and just feel because they're allowed to, because it isn't wrong to hurt, to be mad, to feel utterly devastated over what doesn't feel right to you. I wish more people realise, they can talk about it, they should. Be with those who encourages you to.

I've heard, "be the change you want to see in the world", and so I've been trying. I'm that person I believe or at least half of me is. Despite how most of the people I know aren't. Where have dishonesty ever brought me to anyway. It's difficult. It's tiresome, to be the only one trying. Although I know exactly how certain people feel I can't help but to imply that they're pushing me away each time. I would do just about anything to make it better but there are days where I want to be the one saved. I want to slam the door shut and walk away to be told that I'm needed, please stay. When you know someone loves you more than enough, why couldn't you? Maybe it's human nature, to feel needed, wanted, and be given attention. Only by the right people.

Maybe I'm just wrong, from my toes to the top of my head, I'm wrong to every right, and everyone I know but me. I am wrong even if I seem right or when I believe I am. I am wrong. I would never want to make anyone feel the way I do. So in every word I say that could've sound rather despiteful, I only ever intended to be true. It would never be an intention of mine to say such, so each time I remind people of what they've done right. But we're so weak and full of self hate, we only ever notice the bad. It makes me feel so repulsed by myself each time I speak of my feelings. It never make any sense anymore, how people choose to live their lives, to me. Would it be considered narcissistic to believe although they could encounter better, there would never exactly be one with a mind like mine? A few seconds would pass and I no longer would believe it either as I reassure myself that everyone is better off without me.

I only ever wanted to make everyone feel the way they deserve, everyone I've been with or is still around deserves so much more; uncountable happiness and love. I couldn't possibly put my feelings above anyone and when I do, I either needed to or felt utterly repugnant by it. My love for them never changes, regardless of how they are with me. I don't believe anyone would ever know, notice, or realise, how much exactly that I care or how much love I have in me, that I have completely invested in them. No one ever knows how much they feel about me and that they don't really do.

-riri-