the bus.

He had his face buried in his bag pack, exhausted. I wanted to touch the side of his face but I couldn't even bring myself to it. The sudden drastic drop of self worth made him seem like a king to me. I, like a peasant, didn't even dare to say a word if not spoken to. The longer I stared, the more sympathetic I got. Why would such a beautiful person hang around someone like me- I didn't want to think about it. The more glances I took, the more empathetic I became. I felt like a book- maybe some poetic shit was about to happen or something rather tragic, could even be romantic. But I'm not what that is, I'm not a chic flick, some sort of a hopeless romantic or the indie movies found on Sundance. I was simply full of bloody cluttered emotions and feelings. Talk about inconvenience.

All I really saw was him. All I really had in mind was his being. His daily routines. All that he does or is responsible of doing plus the time he finds to talk to me. I thought about how hard working and diligent he is, how he still manages to tend to me assiduously despite how exhausting it can get. While most of what I do if not be pathetic or sad, gets in the way of things and complicate situations causing headaches. It seems like a waste of time to be with me. Here I'm wondering how this full of potential person can make the mistake of giving even the littlest attention and taking interest in me. As much as I wanted to run away from this, I selfishly wanted to still be here with him.

I am undeserving. I convinced myself to believe that I'm nothing but a phase he'd soon get over by time. At the same time praying for it to last, for me to mean so much to one's life instead of the other way around, as it often would be. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to bawl my eyes out. I was already tearing up, bitting my lip as I struggle to straighten it up. When it got too much I'd bit the inside of my cheeks. I'm basically nothing compared to him. I felt so worthless sitting there acting nonchalant. I wanted to cry and hug him so tight I wanted to be by his side forever. I wanted time to stop. Instead I brushed him away, I swept the feeling under this imaginary rug, and taped it down.

It knocks me down so many times; the realisation of how I'm just a screw up ready to mess things up for everyone else. Just "that" girl, another girl, I thought. Not that of whom you can be proud of having. I'm aware of how I'm no longer that person. Far from the kind your mum would like once she gets to know me better. I'm that person who exists just to soon become a distant memory. Always temporary.

I took another glance at him thinking of how rude it was for me to think I would get the chance to. How insulting is it to think I was on that level. He doesn't need me, whether or not he thinks otherwise and I hated how true everything felt or how I couldn't deny a thing. I absolutely despise how much it aches to know that it might as well all be true, how I am all that I believe I am because I know so well how things are with me. But I just so badly want a life more than this, with him and only him. But I am his everything (?)

At the same time nothing.

-riri-