5 morning night.

I let him in, with open arms and an open mind. He was different, as in a bit odd in behaviour. He was lively, he was full of spark and enthusiasm, a bit too much for me, as I was too little for him. I wasn't enough I knew. I wasn't what he wanted or needed despite the days I went through with him, the amount of things we shared and I've learned or the fact that I grew, adapting to his way. 

Maybe I talked too little, barely responded the right way, or was too awkward to be with when met. It could have been the way everything I wanted to say were always stuck like a lump in my throat and it made it felt difficult for him, giving the impression that I was hiding so much despite the fact that I gave out so much of me left to him. Maybe the love wasn't enough, he wanted to consume my life. Too many times where my chest would contract a bit too much for each time I try to talk, to be able to live up to being normal, as I knew I wasn't able to. It wasn't my thing to talk.

But I woke up to my phone ringing that Tuesday, at 2 in the morning, running to my room with the doors close to listen to him talk, wondering what was wrong. You don't just call people in the middle of the night, to talk about life, the world or your future to just anyone. For that I thought I was special. He kept me up till 3, it's okay I said, don't worry about school. I slept at 5, woke up at 6 and off to school I went. 

Calls came in frequently after. I wonder if he ever thought about it back then, how I had school and he didn't but I chose him over sleep, because I cared, because I worried. Some days nothing would be spoken of, so he'd sing over the phone. He only wanted a reason to talk to me although he didn't needed any, I would pick up the phone either way. Whatever the time was. Every goodbye felt like he was leaving me forever over the words I lack of exchanging, I knew he would, when he did.

"Call me back.", I did, every single time. When I wasn't able I would find a way to. Every skype session I made happened, despite having school the next day or how tired I was. A no to each time he asked if I were sleepy or wanted to sleep. I would keep myself awake until the minute he wanted to dose off or needed to go. I was there to call or text him whatever he needed to hear whenever things got difficult, whatever condition I was in. 

I lay awake almost each day listening to whatever he had to say. My words were always in a mess when I said it but I meant it. I would make time and find a way to meet him, barely ever the other way around. I stick around through his happier days, stayed by his side comforting him through the shit he encountered and the problems he had to face, I was there. But I wasn't enough.

There were days where he would disappear, days where he didn't answer any of my calls, text, or inbox messages, and I had to wait for him to come around again, telling me things, making me believe, persuading me into staying. He had problems of his own. I never bothered or dare talked much of mine, I wasn't going to let myself get left for being a whiny problematic baggage of a baby.

It was only convenient I would think, but I didn't mind. I didn't mind his insecurities, I didn't mind him coming and going, his indecisiveness, his confusion, or any of what people saw as a flaw or a mistake. I accepted it all and still, I wasn't enough. "You need to be more confident", he'd always say. Little did he knew I could get up and leave without a second thought or a glance back if I wanted to, but didn't.

See, you can let yourself love someone so much and do whatever that's needed to make it last but it would still slip away if it was meant to. I don't think there's anything wrong with spending time with people or falling in love, just watch who you give your heart and invest your time to. Don't let yourself waste away on what you know deep inside is wrong for you. You can do just about anything for anyone, but they could still walk away, put you behind them, and move on without a care about you. Sometimes people don't love you, they just think they do, they might never.

-riri-