a lost end.

Eat a bit of bread, it's been awhile since you've eaten properly plus the recent two days straight of barely eating, a real meal the least. I put that "-" playlist on, all the other playlists in cue. Close the lights, switch on the aircond. Water bottle, aluminium foil/plastic, something sweet for the bitterness and an insane mind. Isn't this where it ended the previous time? Now it begins again.

The last time felt like years ago but aches and petrifies like yesterday. This night feels colder than usual. This heart heavier than ever. Come back, but I am. Come now, but I'm lost. Gone soon. I thought how many goodbyes have I sent just to get it back in return? Hoping this one gets through. Your hello is my goodbye and hellos never last as long as the goodbyes I've heard and said.

-riri-

30/7/16.

Even in moments where I feel like I'd rather not,
having you there makes me feel like I've always wanted to.

-riri-

wishful thinking.

Stay.

I almost forgot how it feels like.

Is this where I start to write beautifully again?
Ah cliche.

-riri-

I've run out of words to say.

someone else.

Despite the days, weeks and months that has passed,
Somedays I think of you wishing you still speak of me.

Some mornings, some nights I get woken up by dreams of you.
Some moments I still get the strongest urge to tell you I love you.

Convincing myself of how untrue the things I feel are, that there's no more you,
Yet wondering why I wake up searching, why despite knowing better,
I still have you in mind every time my phone rings.

I put you in my stories, my reference, spreading you around like a rumour,
the more I do, the more I see you, the more I talk the more I hear you,
the more I do, the more I do, the more I realise that, I've in fact lost you.

No one gets through my mind, lingers in my life the way you do.
But I tell myself each time it's not you. I tell myself each time,
it's not me either.

-riri-

bland.

I used to be less direct , more poetic or so. My words more colourful, my mind wide open, dreams often vivid. Still everything has it's price, then it was my relationships with people, my happiness, my sanity- I can't quite tell the difference now, perhaps the same just less of what I am verbally and more than before mentally. Just another stage to get through, another "god I'd like to go back to when-" soon.

-riri-

in the moment.

Doing good, hope you're great. You were there when I was lost. Wrong timing, wrong everything except for the fact that you felt so right. Thanks for staying then, though I wished that maybe you had chose to still. It's alright, everyone has their moments.

-riri-

facade.

It's easier to speak of love, pretend to be obsessed or act as if it is the only thing on your mind then to show what's really playing inside your head. It's easier to be typical than to be real. Ah, hilarious.

-riri-

missing piece.

Looking through old photos,
How bad it was, how I was bad,

Still bad I am,
But you were there.

-riri-

ingat diri.

Jaga diri

Jangan buat itu
Jangan buat ini

Tengok kiri kanan
Sekali sekala tengok tangan
Ingat mak, ingat masa depan

Orang sayang
Mana dia peduli.

-riri-

it'd be you.

Well I thought-

Though I knew-

But still I wish,
That it would be you,
Each time I do.

And I wished,

As I hoped,

So badly I wanted,
For it to be you.

I cross my fingers each time,

Praying if for once it would,
Every single time I do.

I keep wishing it'd be you.
When I knew better than to.

-riri-

another, like the others.

Come out with reasons that soon sounds more like excuses; tell me you're not ready or that you haven't had it all, tell me that you need more time or that you've to better yourself more. Give it your best shot and I still go over the fact that you put more effort in finding a way to get out of what we have or could've been instead of all the things I hear that now I find difficult to believe in.

-riri-

same love.

Each time I looked at him,
Even more if I stared,
I felt love, in the form of fear.

There was his hands, and his face,
Mostly it was in his eyes that I could tell,
He isn't here, he wasn't mine, yet I was his.

Lost in thoughts, hands so cold,
It doesn't sound like love,
He isn't the one I loved,
Yet head over heels still I was.

I felt the distance despite him beside me,
The hollow in what once was my home,
That emptiness similar to when he was gone,
It didn't take very long-

It has already happened before.

-riri-

raya's embrace-not.

"Seronok tengok adik happy." Said to me on the verge of my downfall.

If only she knows. If only they could see. If only I wasn't so good at masking it all up. It's starting to surface- funny I thought I was already better. Oddly healing comes with subconsciously blocking things out and that as we all know, leads to an emotional/mental breakdown waiting to happen. Too many things in need of clearing up, pushing me back in time, dragging me to where I was, where I'd like to be, where I shouldn't.

Some days I believe this will never change no matter how I try, who I'm with or what I do. Those days I'd like to give up on more than anything in the world, still I never do and I'm unable to figure out how I feel about it.

-riri-

friday the 1st.

At eighteen I learn,
At eighteen I quit.

At eighteen I balance,
At eighteen...

Well at eighteen I'll find out.
Since eighteen hasn't end.

-riri-