look at me now.

Sunday, 31 December 2017

falling strange.


You're going to wake up with the realisation of how repulsed you are with the idea of kissing different strangers each week and how the ones you still choose to kiss are no longer strange to you. Growing some sort of attachment to them; looking for something more. Suddenly for some bloody odd reason to you, they are a bit too fucking beautiful. Who would've thought?


faking it.


Sometimes I forget to remind myself that this was all led by curiosity. He wanted to know because I was willing to tell, he did not care. He asked because he knows from the last time I told. It was never love, I was never loved. I came at the right moment in the worst possible timing that might have only seemed right because we wanted to believe it was. He was not special but I made him. I was not a priority, still he fit me in. - I can and thought of saying so much more. I could pull out all of the reasons or excuses from the book but at the end of it all, can we really depend on it? Deep down we have always known. If we don't, we feel.


al meets hu.


He makes me feel like my thoughts aren't pointless. That I matter, that it's okay to talk like a train wreck and that there is nothing wrong with being the way I am. He makes it feel like safety is what I am guaranteed. He makes it seem as if I am less insane or that he is no different. He makes me feel myself enough, I am almost human. It's so cliché I'm gagging on the inside. Then again I've never felt more worthwhile.


Saturday, 30 December 2017



I could choose to not react or feel about anything at all the way I once did but it no longer works that way for me. It isn't as simple yet at the same time it is. Everything makes sense, however you don't really have enough of a life or time to live it in all these different ways if you have lived in one way for too long. As if the older you get, the riskier it is. You will be selfish to make the choices you want and people in a way or another takes advantage of you when you don't. Because they get to. You let them.





Some moments I feel like I'm floating above myself.
I'm here and everywhere else without being anywhere at all.
I feel everything and it's either the worst or the best feeling there is to experience.

The occurrence of this causes so many things to rush into my head, sudden plans and emotions.
I do not belong and I am not meant to but this makes no sense to most.
I don't need to be called home. Home is where I make it, when I'm calm and chaotic.
As everything soothes and passes, I am still the same. Blase.


the stranger you always knew.

One day you'll meet someone so honest, they don't even have to try.
The trust everyone has to earn, they already have.




I think he knew because I was not much different from him. Sometimes I wonder if he too wouldn't have trusted me. I know what they would say. They would tell me that I brought this upon myself. Even if I did, who could have blamed me? After all the past misunderstandings no one ever bothered to look into, it's unfair to treat me like I'm unaware. Why do people have to even try. I'm expected to trust without being trusted. And these are from the people I used to never say a word to.


Friday, 29 December 2017

like magic.


He is the kind of beautiful that surfaces melancholy in the core of my heart and tears in my eyes. In mind is all the ways to describe him and the endless discoveries of words unwritten for, to and about him. Drawing him with my mind. Taking photos of him by sight. And snivel over how I shouldn't at all.

-This is my magic; feeling.
Though we all know that doesn't exist,
and I suppose this is just another excuse to talk to him.


because it counts.

She count things, unsure if it has always been that way or if it has become a habit without her realising. The firsts, the seconds, thirds, until she loses count and god she hates when she does. The first time blood trickled down her arm, it only does when things got unbearable, same as  it is with smoking. Soon scars filled her arms and the number of sticks of cigarettes she smoked she no longer bothers to count. There was a time where she counted her pills before swallowing all of them at once. She needed enough to hurt or pass out; not to die, though there were moments where she had hoped to. Now she can't recall the number of times she had. The only thing she remembers is how much it hurt and how she was when it happened or that she was alone most times.

Oh how she despises it when people so desperately convinces her that they could be trusted or that it will soon be okay. That they are there or will be or wouldn't mind being with her, when she knows they never really want to. "Nobody wants to be with a sad girl." It's simple. Well aware of how nobody really gives a fuck or wants to know. Everyone believes that they do and it's fine. Though she abhors how each time she meets someone she believes actually wants her around, she starts caring for them the way she wants to be cared for. She never minds if they don't. Still she chooses to stick around. Constantly believing how every single person needs another- I guess she always did try to be what they needed however knows, they never do need anyone like her. Then again perhaps that they do. Even so, she's barely ever what people would favour once they get to know or go through it all with her. She knows she does the same. Nevertheless she isn't always with people anyways and she clears it with people of where they stand in her life. How could she have the heart to lie?

Counting the people she gets to know, met, gone out with or would; finding it hard to believe how she reached a point where she could. She never wants to throw herself away to just anyone, nevertheless she is weak for whoever that cares or gives a bit more attention and affection. Her mistake is believing people are sincere when they only intend to receive something in return. She knows better but despite everything she has went through, as much as she would like to deny it, she knows not everyone's rotten. Even if to everyone else, they are. No matter how bad there's always if not at least a hint of good hidden or buried in them that no one has ever got the chance to see because nobody ever gave them a chance to show it. Then again, it depends.

Wanting to make everyone she chooses to let in, count, but she has ruined that and lost track of the amount of people she had. She doesn't want to be with just anyone. Some days she has got none and the ones who were there would rather be somewhere else so she goes with anyone she so helplessly suppose she could get along with or knows want something from her with hopes that she doesn't have to give it. Ending up getting a bit too physically close to a complete stranger- what she would never do but has done or is starting to. Everything she talked of or predicted to happen while she was in school, is happening. Becoming everything she jokingly said she would; she did this to herself. Even if she never cared, she could learn to give a shit and accept what she is given but she knows most of the people she gets with, doesn't. Each time she feels emptier after.

She enjoys the company if it gives her comfort, even if deep inside she acknowledges how tomorrow this would mean nothing more. Memory distorted although often from time to time the feelings come back. She feels so much without even thinking. People still get a bit confuse over it when she talks about it. It's true, these days she doesn't remember or overthink the way she did when she was 13. Even so she feels everything. Loathing how because of this she isn't always able to commemorate the good times but when looking through photos, or passing by things that reminds her of it. Always getting the advantage to feel like she does when things were fucked. Feelings are the only thing she remembers so well of. She has lost count once more of the many times she has screwed herself over by deciding to get out of her solitude and becoming more human with all these random beings.

She doesn't care that they don't take her as seriously, give a shit or even sees the worth in her- though it doesn't make it hurt any less. Then again if it's her own doing then "whatever", she thinks; she doesn't mind. It's not like she's here all the time. Soon she would forget to care too, she would think. So it's alright. If she could make it easy for everyone and make them at least a tinsy winsy bit happier, she could be a bit more too, even if not for long or awhile despite when or if she is as sad as she won't admit as long as she doesn't make anyone else feel the same way she does. Unfortunately she does, unwillingly, subconsciously.

In the past she found meaning in almost everything.
These days at times she still does,
but it feels like just another lie at some point.




With him, I do not overthink things. I say, I do, I act, I react, without anxiety getting in the way. As if all the thoughts in my head can't hold me back. Though at times, they do anyway. I can't put a finger on the whys or hows- even if I do end feeling embarrassed afterwards, he makes me want to anyway. Perhaps subconsciously I just want him to know me. Even if at a point he may not want to. I want him to. Before I realise how stupid it is to, and go. At the same time there is a part of me that hopes that he likes me for me. That all I am or at least bits of me, intrigues him and he thinks "this girl is different!". Though I do not expect it to be in a way that every other girls can't compare with me. More of that, he just simply likes me. Even so, I am unsure of what it is; this thing. I suppose that it must be really nice, if he did liked me. The thought of it itself is nothing but nice. And I like nice. It might not seem like much but nice is enough. In spite of that I know he doesn't in that way. I don't really mind. All this while I could just be lonely and everything never meant as much as I said it was.

Yet if that is the case, I have the option of talking to anybody else but him.
Nevertheless, I'm only ever eager to talk to him out of all the other guys I know or knew.


good minus me.

"I hope you don't kiss anybody else."

There is this constant feeling for the need of improvement which is good, I know. Oddly because of it, I somehow have myself believing that it includes being good enough for others too. It irritates people sometimes, whenever I claim to not be. When to me it's merely the need to know of what could possibly make me even better for them. Even though they do not care about it or even do they like me in that way at all. I think if I were enough maybe they wouldn't go when I need them the most or ignore me for talking about all that I feel deep down, acknowledging how it annoys them and it's a mess most times even if this doesn't really make sense. If they wanted to leave they would anyway, no matter what it is that is said or done. Though I don't think I mind. I suppose if they are worthwhile they will still be here despite that. I just think that maybe I would be more important if I knew what it was I needed to be to the people I find important. Like being me, but better. I'm good enough for most of me but I know me, and I guess if I were them, I would probably leave me too. I don't hate anyone for not wanting me enough. In fact I do not blame anyone for what I am. You see, in the end, it's just me.


you me both.

The thing about being the female version of a guy is that, they can't love you.
-You think you love me and I don't love you.


of all that he thought he could.

1) He once told me it aches to see me cry.
2) He says he hates when I'm in pain.

I haven't been talking as much as I did. I don't tell him what's been going on or get in too deep with how I feel. Heavy matters I mention quickly with a smile and a laugh at the end indicating he shouldn't worry as much as it is distracting. I'm not asking anyone to, I don't believe that he does and by that I mean that he might or would but I'd rather him not, with everything that he needs to do. I don't like getting in the way of things even if people claim that I won't and I'm not.

This must have been from my past. Every time anyone important mentions or points out anything that I do that they dislike, I have the tendency to change it for their convenience. I don't mean petty things like my hair or how I choose to dress. I mean anything that is related to my emotions, how I show it or whenever I say or do whatever that to me, as I sense it, ruins the mood/moment/atmosphere. My mind isn't to be voiced out when it comes to these flashbacks, darker days and feelings.

I hate to be a burden and this reminds me each time of when the last person told me how exhausted they are of all I have been saying when all they hear is that it's never been any different. I get that their lives move to different stages in a blink of an eye, that it's easy to get over while mine have moments where the state I'm in is going to be the same two weeks after. So I don't think about it knowing it only adds more weight to the one listening.

I don't let myself believe that there is the sort of value in me that makes everything I am, 'alright' to anyone who thinks or believes that they accept me or could possibly handle me. I do not allow myself to succumb to the belief of how I, to a person, could ever be that special. I do not put myself in such a high position to ever think that I could perhaps, accept that a person would ever really want me as a whole when I am often the one who feels so.

I know me. All that I was, am and could be. With the wrong people it is heavy and with the potentially right one, they haven't seen it all to learn that it isn't what they would have bet for if they knew. Overly emotional with signs of little to no emotion to keep a distance. It's never really pushing people away, just pushing people to better and to not be a waste. I have cried a couple times and more, I don't want to cry in front of him anymore.


Thursday, 28 December 2017

hell in mind, love at heart, home with none.

"I want to be what no one was to me."
Seeming a bit off, I asked what it was.

She said:
When my mind goes insane, despite the silence, I feel suffocated with voices that can't be heard but digested and implanted in my head. Everybody says it's all in your head but my head knows what's right. It knows it's wrong, there's just not always a way to prevent things to be the way you think it should. Don't speak of rationality, it's not like I don't try. However these demons, they aren't against the world nor are they against me. My demons are mine. But in all honesty, I have been theirs. Loving me in the sickest way, they are here for us to become as one. Toxic yet romantic, they don't seem to want us to part.

I still have my moments, where a little hurt helps. From time to time I get the urge to cut. Restraining myself from cutting off my hair or pulling it out, clawing my skin until it bleeds, swallow up all those pills, I feel afloat. I have to constantly tell myself no. Thinking of everyone else it will affect if I do. Some days I feel that it is unfair when this should be between me and I. It's my life, it should be my choice. But that's the crazy talking. It's not an idiot. It can twist and turn a fact to manipulate the mind into believing the wrong. Isn't it funny that it's still right at the end? Because it makes sense.

There is a vindictive entity living inside me. Hurt the way you were hurt, perhaps they'll see. I say I would rather be sad than in rage but the last time I remember wallowing about it refusing to be in such a state any longer to anyone who listened then. Would you believe me if I told you the main reason I didn't was just so it would be easier for everyone else? I have no anger in me, I avoid such emotion. If I am not resentful, the chances of me hurting anyone is highly unlikely, I now believe. Ironically instead, I am impaired by others for being down. There is no rage in me, but how do I explain wanting to smash my head against the wall to then throw myself across the room because fuck you for making it hard for everyone, right?

It's complicated. To know what you're worth and to genuinely love yourself, at the same time so sure that nobody should be with you. Because I know better. As much as I love myself, I'm not right to be taken care of. It's a never ending contradiction. I can care about anyone else and leave when I'm the mess or that they care less but some days I live like I don't give a shit about myself. I become self destructive. Every decision or thought has it's battle. I am exhausted over all the debating, I don't want to choose anymore. Though I still get up on my feet after each fall. I'm aware that despite this, I need to keep moving for me.

Some days I can't take the crowd, even these familiar faces has me praying to god to disappear. 
I can't always explain exactly why or when it happens. It just does.




This took me back to when we went to Tapak.
Or a bit of last night and how I missed how this made me felt.

I forgot how this was supposed to feel like. All I know is that it's been some time since we last talked things through this way. Sometimes I forget we've ever been sober together until I realise how the voice of the person speaking is my own. This isn't infatuation, this is the love I never knew of.




Back then-
as in not my sayang,
but I sayang.

as in still sayang,
but my sayang.


thank you // dido.


The more I read of the things that was written about you or for you,
the more I am reminded of the feelings I had and all that came to be.

I don't know what it is these days that makes it so difficult.

I'm not much. The only thing I have of my own is myself. I was empty and in denial. I was cold at the core but I gleamed like the world was my motherfucking oyster. You ever felt like the world was in your hands and you've got everything under control? In reality you were so alone choking on your tears shaking from the pills you took so long to swallow. Lying is the most fun a girl can have without having to take her clothes off- and without realising I became accustomed to it. At the same time I never really had any bad intentions despite it being a foul action. I never mean any harm. A walking contradiction, I did what I had to and no one ever really understood why I could possibly even agree on doing such.

I don't think as much as I feel. I'm alone more than I talk. I hate replying, I prefer isolating but even so, I'm just human. If you asked me back then, I couldn't possibly tell you what being comfortable feels like- I never was. With him it's different. And I thought I knew "different" before. Some moments acting still, even awkward and indifferent, but he teaches me how to speak up my mind better and I'm trying to get rid of my passive aggressive ways. These days I don't fear losing whatever I own. I don't let myself sink into the thought of it but I'm well aware of how it would leave me feeling if it happened.

Even so, I don't want to lose anyone out of oblivion and at the moment I'm too blessed to be taking things for granted. Even if the start wasn't as pretty as we would expect it to be, I enjoyed every moment I got to be around him and who would've thought we would actually be where we are now. If I were patient when he was figuring things out with me on the side, he could be too, with me trying to adapt myself with him and his ways. I use to dread the meeting-everyone-they-know part. Knowing I could never stick around with them long enough before I start feeling uneasy or irritated. Still I try. These days I just want to be a bit more me.


Somedays I wish he understood that I do love all that he does, whichever that I don't, I learn to. If only he could see how I have always been me but with him. Not change myself to be what he wants me to and mold him into what I prefer him to be. I have seen him for him, I wish he saw me for me.


a type of fear in the distance.

I'm not the same kind of awkward as I was a few months back and I can't tell if I'm talking less. There have been more times where I come off as uninterested or edgy. Sometimes distant seeming as if I would rather be elsewhere. Suddenly it hits me once more how this was one of the things I have always abhor feeling, except that it's different this time. Must have been from how I decided at the end of last year to change my ways again. Sticking to being me; subtle but in time you will notice the differences as what might feel like rebellion, when it really isn't.

Not that I don't trust him, I just fear how it would be if I cogitated about it whether or not I want to. If I let myself, I would care more but even so, I still do. It still feels odd to write about or to him although inside I feel everything I wish I could say out loud yet each time I end with a lump in my throat and me taking more of his time when he's running out of it. Perhaps my heart no longer skip beats. Still each time I think about the things he does, I feel what I have always felt for him. Like eating sour skittles when you're trying not to laugh that your face starts hurting and some days you hate that more than anything but you don't mind going through it. You love your skittles. The way I don't mind doing this again. I want to the way I want him and I know this sounds corny but if I didn't I wouldn't still be here. Each time it comes to mind, the thought of how he could have chosen to leave will find its way back to me. People could believe that I'm fearing that whatever I do will come rolling back to me, when in reality I've always been aware. I know he is capable of acting the way I have and doing the things I've done.

I always knew that if he wanted to, he could have left anytime and I always made myself believe that he was going to this time or the next; "he's never coming back, move on now" even in the moments where he has never even went. Indeed the fear has yet to leave. I'm not much but he means a lot to me even if it doesn't make sense to him and anyone else who sees. He knows how things either mean nothing or everything to me but I put meaning in him as if I was ready to handle taking another risk, when I knew this could break me. With me letting myself open up to him even more, presenting who or how I really am like a show and what it's like in my head or how hard I might be to handle; imagine the courage I have gathered to gamble with all the possibilities of how this could turn out to be. Next thing I knew he was falling deep asleep when I remembered the night I cried talking to him about how it used to feel and he held my face at the end, firmly telling me that I am fucking amazing.

I didn't believe him. It may have been that I didn't want to. However, ironically at that moment when he said it, for a second I was convinced that he believed it too how somehow somewhat, I was "amazing". It must be pathetic to admit that I wished he loved me back then the way I didn't want to believe that I could have had started loving him already. Still, I found it was better if he didn't. I would make myself think he didn't really need whatever I would end up bringing. I didn't suppose I would be this selfish to let it be, even so he makes me feel inexplicable things and I have the compulsion to give him everything he deserves. This is all talk now acknowledging that my actions up to now only proves otherwise and I can't tell him that this is the best I could do when it isn't. I hope I get there with him still with me. The best is what he deserves and I know everyone says that to everyone but this is me aspired to give him a taste of the best I could do, if I am able.

I still fail to function the way I'm supposed to and often than not things are in disarray but he sticks around and try. Sometimes he forgets about things but he asks. I never get to ask even when I really want to. I'm sorry for the moments I sink in silence over my own inadequacy. Even when I do, I still find it hard to let myself believe that even my pettiest thought matters to him because I mean that much. I am in the middle of becoming soft again while keeping my distance. I'm afraid of calling or getting a bit too clingy. Though know that he has me. I don't let myself think too far. I'm not going anywhere, he could trust me; if he's in it with me. Out of place and I'm lousy at this but I could do better. I should be better. I would. I try.


Wednesday, 27 December 2017

the home i've lost and love.


I've never really felt as if I belong, no matter where I went or for how long. Every place is another to either forget about or cherish. Every home I find myself in is temporary. I've never felt safe enough to ever be too comfortable as myself in these places. People can only take so much; and being a lot, I'm not what anyone's signing up for.

I met him at the right time, when everything was in disarray and I was searching for a new meaning. Somewhere in between I was lonely. What a way to start a love story. At the same time it was the worst possible timing. However I knew where my mind was and how this could end to be if I had pushed it a little more. Then I knew better. I wasn't up for losing bits of myself from trying in any way, to become more of what anyone would want of me instead of appearing as myself. I'm not going to pretend everything is okay and swallow all the questions stuck in my throat, avoiding all the feelings I know could get people annoyed and never speak of it like it never bothered me a bit. I'm not going to lose or gain weight or change the way I think or fix myself just so someone would finally stay. I could be everything you could possibly want, if what I am is what you're searching for. Though it never really is.

With his head on my lap, him asleep, it hit me what this brought me back to. Looking at him, I've always asked myself if this was the right thing to do, if it's actually okay to. It doesn't feel wrong, I just fear one day he might realise that it was never supposed to be and decide to leave. I don't think about him going when I know that anything could happen but right now we have what we have and that means I'll still get to be with him and experience all that we had up until now and that's fucking great right? But I seem distant and unresponsive, sometimes it's like I've lost interest. I don't think it's possible to give someone everything you have when you're still hiding parts of yourself. I try not to and I'm not most times but some moments I can't help to. I always knew I could lose him. I don't think I could risk that. I don't want to.

Then I laughed to myself and thought it was funny for me to say knowing that last time we checked, I did the total opposite. Yet he still sticked around. I don't let myself think about losing him or him loving me back the same way but I know how I would feel if he does and I love him the same way I always had. I can't help but to think he deserves and could do better. But I don't mind spending time with him and some nights I know I could get through without being intoxicated but with his presence. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I just believe he always has somewhere else he should rather be at. Though I know he's here because he wants to be, that he makes time for me and I wish it was easier to explain what I'm trying to convey but it isn't.

A safe haven; a new home, he's like the bedroom I no longer own. With him I'm comfortable in my own skin, to be me and feel what I feel. I don't know if this is as real as it feels but if it isn't, then he gives out the illusion that I am not alone. He makes it feel as if it's no longer just me against the world. That I have him by my side, just I never ask. I know I don't say as much as I did too. Even if I don't fit it or feel it, he puts in effort trying to make me feel how he does towards me and I know that I'm the only. I know some days I make it hard to believe. Would you believe it if I said I could love him more and too much and still not be sufficient when he learns that there is more baggage with me than he could take? Still, deep inside I can't help but to believe in him. He could be different. Perhaps this time, someone feels the same.

I wish he knew how I really feel about him but I've noticed how that has changed as days passed too. Today I could never even get close to describing it exactly. I love him in a whole different way. Ways that leave me speechless. I'm still taking time getting used to this. To accepting that I really do have what I do now. This was all I needed the most back then. He was nothing but a figment of my imagination before I discovered his existence. He used to be a thought and now here he is, mine. I believe we're all flawed in one way or another with demons of our own and things we've never told but he accepts mine and I want to tell him anything he wants to know. I just want it right this time. I just want it all with him.


stay with me.


Have you not felt? Do you not see?
The home I've built especially for you,
in me.

-I can never walk away from what was meant for me.


between god and I.


I no longer hurt the way I did.
Nor do I cry each time it comes back to mind.

I do not deny or do I admit of what I feel (or still do).
I could never tell him for as long as he doesn't tell me.

I do all that I do, because I still do-
I still love, as I always had, as I will.

Each time, even in mind-
The same.


-another way to say I love you.

6a.m secret hour.

It was everything.

I say time is never on my side but there are moments, where it is exactly where I hope it would be. If this was a movie, I'd cry. It would be the part where two people run for each other with psychedelic indie music playing at the background, oblivious to their surroundings or the fact that deep down they know they wouldn't be able to make it. Melodramatic.

There was something different about him that I couldn't really figure out. I couldn't tell if it was happiness from within or that he was actually just as ecstatic about us meeting. As if he was happy to see me. It felt bizarre, like seeing a newborn baby. Well, not to me at least. He almost looked dreamy; imaginary. I've never seen that smile before. Or that look he had glued onto his face.

I thought: this is new. I must have made it obvious I was in awe. Feeling everything he said as if his emotions were mine; the desire to sink into the moment felt rather familiar. This is going to break my heart if it backfires.


the beginning.

Too drunk to bother and worry that she's drunk texting and calling people with a hole in her heart; she fights the urge to cry. Wanting to talk to him, she rings the last guy she met instead. Somewhere deep down she was hoping that he would magically appear, well aware that it doesn't work that way. However you start believing in miracles once you reach desperation.

Broken the day they met, she fell for his kindness as naively as she could. Have you ever looked at someone in the eyes and feel the cries you silently let out at night- they look so loud, you forget you were ever hurt? Not that you never were but you have always been a sucker for whatever that needs you. Never a fan of time, she knows this too shall pass. He could come and go so be wise, she thought. But he felt like the knight in shining armour even if nothing was right or as beautiful as everyone said it would be. For a moment it was enough to her. For those few hours he was everything she needed to get through. Lets pretend this is as magical as it is in her head. Sinking into bed, she has someone by her side now. The only thing she knows of him is his name and how she felt when she let him in.

From the moment she laid her eyes on him to their hands clasping tightly as she laughs about her sadness like it's a sick joke she hasn't gotten tired of hearing, holding his hand as if it would be the one to guide her, she sits close with the tinniest gap in between- she doesn't want him to leave but knows he isn't to stay. Never too comfortable with anyone, a bit too alone and personal. That said, with him nothing felt strange enough. As if we have always been- in disbelief, she ignores the thought of it. Tomorrow this never exists. She stares into his eyes like it was a book she's in too deep reading. A little voice whispers a bit more each time that she loves him, asking if he hears it in the silence the way that she feels- she doesn't want this.

But she'll take it.


unintended love.

I didn't need to hear another lie, smiling to all that I am presumed to be. As if they understood, however I do not mind. Alone but better off. Deep down I knew it isn't like that at all. 


Ever wanted to feel the light you see when you shut your eyes a bit too hard and long? He was the light at the end of the tunnel the night I met him. Like fireflies, rare to be seen or found now where I am at, he glowed in a way that reminded me of tinkerbell from peter pan. But I was not his neverland.


Tuesday, 26 December 2017


Secret lover, four eyed freak to my chamber.
Confused, mixed signals giver motherfucker.
Annoying, loving asshole of a caregiver.
Mean heartless sensitive monster eater.
Bloody fingers, dented busted car, bruises, cries and hugs as warm as the sun before noon.
Late night talks deeper than the ocean, calming silence, never lonely, dreaded dawn, aches of goodbyes.
Strangers, random adventures, screams and shout, every single thing you said no to but miss.
Unnoticed stares, visual feelings, unspoken words but felt.
Name in my prayers, eyes on my mind, a scent I still smell every night.

I don't miss what has never left.
I don't love you, I just feel you.
I'm not crying, could I be lying?
I don't love you no I don't miss you.
I don't love you nor do I miss you.
I am lying, I'm not lying. I am lying, I'm not lying-
I'm still lying, my mind says no! 
My mind says no, it says no!

But I have always loved you in ways that convey I don't.
I love you in ways I could never explain or show.
Though you could feel if you know.
All this while I have loved you the way I have never known;
the kind of love only we know of.


escalation of a beautiful destruction.


I think we have got it all wrong. He isn't at all what you might see him as or what he thinks in the end he is to me. He had no clue of what he was getting into the day I had to hid him from everyone because he stayed a bit too long and he could have ran, it wasn't going to be his problem, that's true. However he stayed, before we parted ways. He came with a can of coke to offer that he then asked permission to drink a bit later that time. For some it's almost annoying but bare in mind, I never offered him a glass of water. I thought he was funny, as if he has never been with anyone except that you could sense a bit of hollowness in him, which changed that thought.

He came all the way to get me at 2 in the morning after practice knowing so little of what I was doing or going through. Call it curiosity but he was god sent to me. He doesn't look at me funny or question why he has to follow me to the toilet when I'm anxious of whatever my head could imagine would be at public toilets late night or in the morning anytime before dawn. These days he would even go in before me just to make sure nothing suspicious or in need of attention is present before he leaves me to myself, as he waits nearby. You could say that he's spoiling me even if he has no clue that he is yet I adore him for it. Even if things were awkward at first, other than that we know of, how we often than not send mix signals to each other, every little thing he does, to me is another way of showing how deeply he does care even if it seems as if what is done is only at the heat of the moment, that when it happens, is usually when all is a complete wreck. However with him, I feel the movement I do not speak of. He is the only one that does it without knowing yet willingly do it anyway, despite the times I question it thinking that he only does because I mentioned.

Ah but he listens. I know I'm not one to always be able to make him feel any better. In the end it's always the same. He does so much and feels like he has barely done anything at all. It's tiring I know. I don't always have the exact words to describe what I feel but I know it isn't at all as what is shown, what he might have misinterpreted. He is there, though there are times where he is unable. Every time he comes back with something new. He does this instead of that or that instead of this and I know from the bottom of my heart that he is trying so hard however over what isn't perfect nor flawless, it has made it seem to him that he is much less than what he really is to me. I am happy when he loves me. I remember the bad- yes, worst- when it is repeated. Nevertheless he has done so much more for me beyond that for any of our past mistakes to be unforgivable to me. I don't want to know who's fault it is, I just want us to be aware of the situation itself, of what it is we really want or to make of ourselves and it sounds so easy I know. "If you don't try you won't know".'

Not here to be pointing out the mistakes or conflicts and how it makes me feel to drag him down. I do it, boggled of why it is occurring yet believe that I am constantly learning and so are we. That in the moments it happens, I am okay even when we are not. Powerlessly, I wish that he could feel it too, knowing how things aren't. To focus on us when everything is in chaos and listen when I tell him he is not alone even if now it is obvious that we are both on different sides, none being each others. That I am holding his hand still, and that I want to. Because I can't feel him when we are a mess when everything's on his mind, while in mine I'm blocked and blank. In these moments all I want to do is run and leave it all behind. I wish he would just trust me enough to run with me. I will always come back, he doesn't have to go for too long. I am neverland if you believe it enough. That I want the best for him except that I'm not the best for him.

He stays by my side in desperate times, asks me how I am when he can. He leaves everything behind for me even if he was, forced to. I never wanted to propel him into loving me. I naively believed I could love him the most when I know too well of how my love is wrong. I am fucked up but he accepts me. He tells me I am sinless when I know I've sinned him. The only one brave enough to take me away from my life. He cries when I cut and he comes rushing to me when I'm about to leave. He hugs me and holds me when I hate him because I love him. He talks about the potential he sees in me and believes I'm amazing when everyone else sees just another privileged hopeless, lazy, full of excuse, emotionally unstable being. Even if at times he thinks otherwise. I think it breaks my heart the most when he sees me the way everyone else does. I can't blame him; I tend to react in the way opposite to how I would plan it to be. I confuse everyone. You don't get it, he has seen me hysterical and at my lowest so far, yet still, he is able to tell me to stop this bullshit when I tell him I should go.

You don't get how much he means to me or how hard it is to go on with someone knowing you are fucking shit but you don't want to let this go. Even when you reach a point where you find that everything would have been much better for them if you just did. I can't tell you how much I believe in this and I can't be the only one. He makes me the calmest I have ever been even when it is manic. He is the only person I still want to go back to after an argument so bad, anyone would rather die. In the end I don't want to go anywhere further away from him, even if it is wrong- and I am so wrong. He is everything I have ever asked for that I do not believe to be able to have encountered and belonged to but I am too rotten to be. I take too much time to process everything when my mind goes first and body second. I do not hang on to my past but I am part of it. I am everything I have been put through and become. I'm distorted, the glitch of emotions is where I am unstable. My head is too much I can't take the sound. My urges are too strong, being positive doesn't take it all away yet he loves me. He loves me so much and I want to die. How do you deal with that?

How do you deal with knowing that you are so blessed but the demon that you really are wants to break you and shred you to the point of your extinction because I am so fucking scared, I am so fucking scared, I am too fucking scared. You don't know what he is to me, you don't know what alone is, you don't know how I thanked God for this but I should've died before I had him. Still I am so blessed that I have met him.


writer's block.


I have found it rather difficult to write as much as I do or all that is in mind, as I used to, these days.
Funny how with so much information known now, I have less to say. Or is at least able to.


Monday, 25 December 2017

said and done.


I think about the day you will leave. In my head would be all the ridiculous things you've ever done and the times you acted so silly; I can never stay mad at you. I never want to.

I will remember how stupid you would look yet I still adore every inch of you. And I have always felt so lucky to be the one that gets to know you the way I know you. How I get to be with you even if you never had to stay with me. I remember all the times you were there for me the way nobody else ever had, even if it did get too much for you, even if in the end it wasn't worth what you have bet for. Nonetheless, I will remember your soul and how you have never meant to hurt me.

I will remember your eyes and how my heart shatters each time it looks into mine with disgust, or when I push a bit too much, I am a nuisance to you enough, you would rather be anywhere else but here. Because I will remember how I hurt you, who hurt you and how much you have hurt. And I would want to drop everything for you to give you a hug because I'm always so sorry you ended up with me.

However I'm not always able. Some days I forget, because I'm too busy being reminded of how this was never my place. I am never meant to stay. Still I keep believing that it might. Why I still try.


It's December now. All that is written has happened and passed.
No wonder this has been left in drafts.


Friday, 22 December 2017

the love in me and you.

Funny is, that as many times as I joke of why anyone wouldn't love me,
I have always been there to love anyone (whoever I can, whoever it may be),
yet I have never asked to be loved back.

All my life no matter how much in need of love I was or "asked" for,
I have learnt and always did I realise, I never have.
How much love is there initially or left in me?
Being enough that it is still present to be given and giving.

Shall your every breath and soul be taken away when the love runs out?
Has it or will it ever? If it never will or does, then you have died and lived so many lives-
Just to give and to take to the point it is all taken away,
before you are resurrected to continue this never ending circle that only ends when you do.

Perhaps, when I literally do.


Does love knows how love looks?
Is it why it is so blind?
Does love, loves itself enough or does it just love loving?
Is that how it is considered blind?

Could be that indeed love is everything money can't possibly buy.
Love, the only thing you cannot make sense of knowing love itself is the sense in us.
We live our whole lives misunderstanding if not lucky enough to be the ones to believe,
that it is in fact comprehendible if you let yourself understand.


I fell in love with a person whose name translates to 'love'.
And if I were to say, if so, I have fallen in love with myself a bit more.
As I am too, the love I speak of.
And the love I so lovingly love.


How could I not love him when I am him, and he is me?
Yet we are we; he is still he as I am still me.


Tuesday, 12 December 2017


I am afraid. So very afraid.
So god help me. I am getting to my head.
Help me save me from myself.


Sunday, 3 December 2017

Friday, 24 November 2017

in order to be brave.

What if everything you denied was for someone else to accept?
So everything you couldn't face, someone else had to.


Monday, 20 November 2017

preview to the new.

Perhaps asleep, while I have been awake ever since I woke the day before.

I can never really put my feelings into words. With him nothing ever comes out the way it does in my head on paper than when the words are spoken directly. This is safety, this is 'keep it between us', this is something I hope would go as far as we say it would. Up until we reach where we believe we could and if we are lucky enough, beyond.

It's insane to look back and think it's only been a short period of time yet this journey has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Everything dejecting was the cost of this; what I went through is the reason I am able to get this far. To be here, this blessed. Bliss. Everything left behind, every fresh start is worth the try- even if it's the same kind.

In mind is every moment I wake to see his face, every nightmare and anxiousness he manages to balance out and control. I have never been more attached to a smell. I never thought I would be the one to feel what I do and have what I own now. For the first time in my life, in spite of all the chaos, I'm still left with what I've longed to be my own.

And I am petrified.


Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Thursday, 7 September 2017

one way to say i miss you.

Perhaps I am just a tad bit jealous.
For whenever I am not there and someone else is.
(Lucky enough to be).



I'm feeling the sadness,
I'm pushing it away.
I'm acting as if it's a fantasy-full day.

Am I alone again?
Am I? Alone.

*drops mic*


Wednesday, 23 August 2017

day 8 in the ghost house.

It hasn't even been a day since he left and my mind is already deteriorating. I'm the best at making it all look so effortless. For that it's often than not difficult to believe. Though the ones closest to me knows more than I could ever mention. As much as I resent saying this, sometimes I actually believe everyone's forgotten about it. I do what I do to get through. 

It doesn't look like much, in fact I look better than ever although not physically. However everyday's a constant battle and mine isn't over yet. It's been 8 days, soon 9; I'm keeping track of my-could-be-or-soon-to-be-the-start-of-my-lowest-point. Although this time it's different, a bit too blessed now that I have him by my side. Nevertheless, we all know where this could lead to. A bit too much almost each time and everyday, still he stays and copes with me. Always trying to catch up, I tend to forget that my mind works in ways susceptible to me yet complicated for others. Off track, I choose to overlook this. 

To be honest, I don't have the exact words for my current state or condition right this instance. A couple hours has passed since I wrote this and he's already on his way to me. I know this is a lot for him too. God knows how much I can't repay all the hours I've taken and his time I've wasted. It's just that this time, I can no longer afford to do this all alone. Even if nobody understands, I hope the ones who stick by me have faith in me. This was never on purpose, I never asked for this.


Monday, 14 August 2017

remnants of thoughts that never left.

I haven't slept as early or willingly as I did last night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, heart racing, mind in shock, often on the verge of crying, I fear the things I can't make anyone see. Some nights a bit more harsh. Mind empty but it all feels so heavy. The nothingness so loud, I hear the silence screeching. I have the world in my hands when I'm undeserving. I don't have the words for the the type of abhorrence and love I have for myself. Smothered in guilt, I see myself chewing on my own flesh and skin. Refusing to be aware but I fear not knowing. Some moments terrified of everything, somedays the fear is of me. It tells me I want nothing more but to drown, I think of staying afloat, I move towards crashing down. No yes no yes no yes yes yes yes yes yes stop- I'm running off a cliff, no it's just a balcony, no- I don't want to be here yet I've nowhere to run. I've no clue to where I should go. I can't tell you what it is that is pushing me so vigorously into destruction. I am not lost, I'm out of my mind. I just want to go.


Sunday, 13 August 2017

guess again.

"I don't know where to go"

At the moment, I still don't. I keep on thinking I do up until the moment people start getting annoyed or frustrated. Everyone tells you they want to be there but the second you get too much, they're going to turn their backs on you. I keep getting thrown the same feelings over different words combined together from all the suffocation I cause. In the end even if no one is at fault, I am in the wrong. Having a mind you can't control, with everyone you love whom deserves so much better, I can't help but to think how everything could be so much clearer for everyone involved with me if I were to go. Ironic, guess I knew after all.


Tuesday, 8 August 2017


Reading back, you have always been the only one I was ever so eager to get to talk to.
Now I'm not sure if I should even be talking to you.


14/12/16 affection.

Perhaps I have a bit of affection for everyone.
Because waiting for someone to feel the same feels like forever.


15/12/16 i cried so you asked.

"Kalau you tak kisah, kenapa you menangis?"
Sebab I kisah tapi I tahu I tak patut kisah.


Wednesday, 2 August 2017

it's just me.

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense with me even if it makes sense to me. I can never really get my point across when it comes to sharing what I have in mind, with anyone at all. I don't expect everyone to understand and I know that some tries to. When they believe they have it figured out, I know they do, however not with the things that I want them to. I can't make people see what I do. My mind works in ways that don't correspond with most and their head is not mine to know. How do I make people believe that I can feel the weight they carry without having to be in the same situation when I say I do- the way I can't stress enough how much I mean what I say even if I seem to move in the direction contrary to all I claim to know and believe in.

It's not like that, it's not like this, yes, no, both - my head doesn't go in one straight direction, as sure as I can be. It's all contradictory and I'm in peace with it surprisingly. Although there are moments where it seems unbelievable. I know what it's like- I'm never talking to just one. There is always another voice, sound, being, I believe to be roaming around nearby, creating wars inside of me. I'm not crazy, I'm not sane. I talk and it comes out as barks. Giving out my point of view of things and I'm mistaken for being antagonistic. I come off as a snob, at times ungrateful and I'm good still. I don't need to explain myself just because people have a problem with it. I've wasted too many breaths trying to change things, wanting to be understood just for people's own convenience too. I'm often speechless in the end. I keep repeating the same words wishfully thinking that perhaps one day, someone sees it the way I do.

I believe if they ever do, they can finally see how I was never here to be right- I'm only here for the insights. I am not one to stick around for long. It's not my place to belong yet it's not that alone, is all I longed for. It is nice to know that to someone, you aren't anyone but you, in ways that you are not at all odd or disdained. I just want to talk a bit, sometimes too much. So listen if  you may, because no one really does. I only ask for what I am able to give in return. Stingy with time, for some it's all I willingly give. Full of questions, I always sound so skeptical. I'm allowed to be careful, most people omit to with me. Often misunderstood, I'm not one eager to argue or fight. My mistake is whenever I try to make things right. I go in too deep for the truth, reminding myself how I'm just trying to be honest, watching it all backfire more often than not.

It's a whole long journey and no one wants to stay till the end to know. People receive incomplete puzzles as I gain a new collection of all that is unsaid. I'm not saying you have to stay, far from implying how much everyone is itching to go away. As much as I forget, I remember more than anyone wants me to. I am responsible over myself for everything anyone has ever left me with to carry on my own. Just because I talk about being alone doesn't mean that I'm asking you to go. Each time I'm reminded by how it is for me to be where I was, believing all this is what I deserve, I so desperately hope that for once, someone knows; that somebody hears it too, the ear-splitting cries in all this silence. Everyones' so loud I sometimes neglect my own.

It gets lonelier being where you feel most at home, yet knowing you are not to them what they are to you. I don't always have the right words to say it exactly as it is enough to possibly be easy to grasp but believe in me, I know most people don't. I know they are not obliged to. So what is the value of trust to a person if it is so painless to break despite being the most difficult to gain? I'm never right wherever I go as long as my intentions are unknown. I guess it's never enough to give it your all. Naked and vulnerable. I don't need the whole world to acknowledge my existence or who I am as a person. I just want him to know, so I don't find the need to go. I'm never anywhere else than where he is if he is, with me. 

Even with the distance and long pauses, I've never took a step further from the only thing I want most; what I know he believes in too though for the time being, unknown. I wish he knew what it means when I tell him I am alone. I always am when he is gone. I don't mean for it to be literal. I don't how to tell him that everyone has and wants him without making anyone misunderstand. With a lot on his plate, I take the most space. He has seen me furious and I have had my fair share of anger. Nevertheless, I have never really been mad at him. If I were able I would change everything before it even gets to where it is now just so he doesn't have to feel what he does, but I can't even make him see what I'm trying to be.

In the end I'm brought back to where I am. Uninterested, alone. How could you blame me? I was never a fan of people and their crowds. I'm not meant to stay anywhere for too long. However despite all that is said, with him comes a point where I don't care at all. For everything that infuriates or devastates me, I tend to put aside or let go. At the end I still believe the things I do, that I deny, because with him nothing yet is as excruciating as not having him around or to know that he has it all wrong. I wasn't lying when I spoke of us. Even when I do, I don't care about this as much as I care about him. Is it that hard to believe? That I've got nothing more than all I give.


Tuesday, 1 August 2017

no grass is greener on the other side.

In my head I saw what I so strongly felt.
I said all that I knew, surprised-
I never thought it would be you.

Feeling his presence; you are 'it', as if you are him.
Broke down in tears, you don't understand what I mean.
I'm so broke it's whole to me. Isn't it clear already?
How all that you think I do, isn't at all for you. It's just me. 

I am with you as the person I am.
Who you let me become, whoever you believe could become of me.
It's not like that all, it's how you ask it to be.
Don't look where it's gone, I've never left you on your own.


Wednesday, 26 July 2017

phoned, fucked, psycho ex, good luck.

I double triple quadruple text,
call a hundred thousand times
and barely ever get the same back.

What's the point of wanting something so bad,
if it doesn't want to be there?


No one's fault but my own,
head too far up in the clouds,
I kept on believing I had a place where I was not found.

Denying myself, it's me that wants you here.
Some days I wish you heard.

down under.

Voice a bit raised, I've been here before.
What it's like and what's next if not the things I abhor.

Lost for words, I felt my heart dropped to the floor. I shut down - dead inside. Everything crumbling and dispersing into dust; unable to mouthed a word, I couldn't bring myself to explain what it all is or means. I started seeing myself the way everyone does, in my head. I was supposed to be safe here. I found home, remember? I didn't feel alone, I felt like a waste. I loathe the part where just like that, I'm reminded of how I was never meant for anyone. This world of mine, this state of mind, all alone for me and I.

I tell myself that it's different this time, I believe it too. He's not everyone else and I know that applies to those before him but it's not about them anymore. We're not what I've ever been in. I trust him. He is love, he is mine. I know he is. I know he knows. Even when I'm never right. This isn't meant for me for how I am completely undeserving of it. However my demons, they get chaotic, manic and he's the only one that has ever managed to keep them at bay. Some days vehement, malicious yet still, in the end tranquillised. Until I remembered what was asked-

I know things might never seem right, we're a mess and I'm more than less neurotic. To be honest I've forgotten the point of writing this at all. I could say that everything will be okay, though we all know how nothing's really meant to go our way. I'm wrong everywhere and all that I say only exhibits contradiction. In spite of that, looking back to these previous months, I would have never imagined or was even able to comprehend or make myself believe that there would be a day where I would meet the person that could possibly make 'today' feels like now and not forever lasting. That my yesterdays are the past that no longer lingers at the back of my mind like a raging headache, even if it has become a part of who I am; He opens my eyes to a future I have no clue of, he gives me reasons when I've lost every sense of dedication.

Outright terrified then again I have my whole heart in this. I wouldn't want in if I was planning to let it all go so easily. I've lost way too many times to this, nonetheless he is my everything. I am unfailingly blown away by him, eager to be in his presence, some days I wish I was better. My love, he means no harm. Although some moments I forget. I now have the world in arms reach, undeserving still, what could I possibly ask for more? I try not to get overexcited, aware of how much it aches to have it all taken away. Too tired of looking back to when we weren't, grateful enough that we are, I just hope out of all people, he would stay.

Yet I understand if he doesn't.


Thursday, 20 July 2017

furious not fast.

First pill down, this warmth was once home.
Second pill now, oh wow the flashback.
Third pill, I wish I could just swallow them all.
Fourth pill, I'm more aware of how this is less than enough.
Fifth pill, Momento Mori - Crywank is playing in the background.
Sixth pill, this seems much easier than before.
Seventh pill, I'm with myself again.
Eight pill, I don't respond well to anger.
Ninth, I shouldn't have told.
Tenth, I deserve to be alone.


Wednesday, 28 June 2017

kari to my chapati.


When all is bland, he is the heat that burns.
Toned down, still there. Out of sight, still felt.


the me in us.


-If you ask me I'll tell, even if it takes awhile.

Whatever happened, happened. However at this point sometimes I wish it hadn't. I guess whoever meets me later on just has to bear with the baggage I carry. It's funny how as time passes by, it looks as if it's so easy but we all know almost nothing is as it seems.

Some moments I can't help myself from tearing up or crying all together from looking at him. It's always difficult to balance the state of my mind, the trauma and after affect of what you've been put through, to think rationally and to use your senses when your insanity is triggered and to still be able to be true to who you are without getting anyone involved or hurt because of you.

Some days I still find myself denying everything thinking I know better. The thing is, what we tend to forget is the fact that at times no matter how prepared, if something were to happen it will and that either way, everything was meant to. I know that we know, yet we can't help but to feel what we feel. We can't always help ourselves. And I'm still hard on myself.

I hear promises a lot. They leave me as empty as they are at the end of each day. I know better than to put my hopes high, but I've always put so much trust in everyone I've been with. When all is in disarray I know it all goes back to me. What do I expect? It got to a point where I believed that was just how it was. That's how guys are. I stopped getting so surprised. My mistake was getting too complacent the last time. I thought he meant what he said. I see potential in everyone I get close to, thinking they could be different the way we all do.

Soon I barely took anything to heart. I listened but never believed anything enough to have had my hopes up high. I don't talk about the future as if it will be, I live each day as if yesterday never existed and tomorrow isn't any of my business. I never seemed to look serious enough to others. In their eyes, I was always playing even if I never was. But I've heard every sad story, every meaningless promise, every pick up line, every "I'm sorry, I won't do it again"- has it not yet been obvious how petrified I've become?

I used to get so jealous over all the girls my ex(s) used to check out. To all those who feels the pain of being the type almost never interested with the opposite gender and your loved one is drooling over everyone else. I tried looking at it from their perspective, made it clear that I could do the same without the intentions to spite anyone. I'll accept what I deserve when I know I could give more if I were given the chance to. These days I don't let myself think about it, I don't want to think about it. I come off as uninterested because of it. Truth be told I don't ever want to cause a scene. I know that each time I feel, I tend to.

I avoid crowds, I avoid thoughts of girls around my guy or anything related to it. I block everything out when I notice it slowly sinking in. I don't think about how anyone sees me or whether or not they like what they see. I make it to remind myself that it is none of my business. I don't want to hear what I lack, I'm aware of everything I don't have. You don't have to mention it, I overthink out of insecurities. I don't let myself do this anymore. I tell myself I can't be a psycho. I find it sad to say, everything has led me to believing that in fact, I am.

I know how it's like to beg for what doesn't want to be there. I don't know how I could ever believe that anyone would ever be on my side and is sure of it. Perhaps I am desperate, for all that I want. But I don't dare to these days, yet I still do. If someone asks to leave, I'll be the one opening the door. Not that I don't want you, I either can't stop you or is making peace in my head with the fact that people need to do what they need to do or that I'm assuming they don't want to be there. Some days it triggers something in me and I realise that it's me people shouldn't be with. Later on comes the strongest urge to back away and leave everyone be, thinking this place isn't for me.

Yet I don't want you to think I don't love you,
when I can't even bring myself to love anyone else.


Tuesday, 13 June 2017

ocean blue.

I never thought I would ever find the person I could be sad with, alone, but together - up till I met him. I know that the deeper we get, the scarier the obstacles may be and expectations are express tickets to dejection. However, things never felt so calm yet even in silence, it is when with him. He is so precious, often than not I am left speechless with a mind as blank as paper. Like a restart or that feeling when you're stuck. What you can't fully comprehend but it isn't needed to when deep inside you know that this is the answers to your previous doubts and questions. I am petrified whenever I let myself think about it. Being here before, anything could happen. Nevertheless I've never been so safe. It might be too early to say but he's everything I never thought I deserve, what I only ever imagined being with, never really believed I would get to be with.

Then again sometimes I think of ways I could possibly ruin it, 
with hopes that he doesn't' leave me.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

for the sake of all that's left.

Suddenly I was brought back to when we first met.
How he looked back then versus the looks in his eyes today-

Everyone thinks I'm still hook on that but in all honesty I've never been so at awe at the transition of how it all came to be. Despite everything happening directly to me, I've been feeling as if I have been watching it all occurring to someone else up from above- disconnected regardless of every connection. This all means beyond much to me, more than words could possibly explain, the things only known when felt. I hope he understands, that this could take awhile to. He doesn't know what he really is to me. All I see are all the possibilities I am afraid to receive but I am trying. Pulling out all the stops to still have everyone here, before I forget that I need to be too. Slowly spiralling out of my mind, my old house is calling. I miss home but I've lost touch with it. Hoping I don't go back to where I was now that I have more. But I'm too occupied with all that I don't know.


Monday, 1 May 2017


Being left and seeing people leave hasn't gotten any easier.
Even when he always comes back.

It is what it is when your home isn't a house and your house has never been home. I hate Mondays that feel like lonely Sundays, when everyone's at home but it feels like no one is. Waking up to someone getting ready to go or waking up early to be the one to, every step heavier- don't think about it. I thought about it and each time it all goes back to me. My head it argues in silent, every conclusion the same; how I was never meant for this. I should be on my own but no one ever made it felt like I exist in my own skin until I met him. I'd blame how I was raised but he brings every vulnerability in me out. I still get teary but my home should be where I am and I'm to stay behind. Don't ask, I wouldn't answer. Every word is a lump in my throat set to trigger every tear I hold in. Though I know my eyes are loud enough to pierce through him.

Body stone cold, inside I'm blazing. 
Don't go but I want you to.


Sunday, 30 April 2017

blank space.

It's always when no one is there,
that you need someone the most.


Wednesday, 26 April 2017

close to the edge.

I leave my phone on in case anybody ever needs me.
However no one ever does.

I didn't think it would get to this. Improved person, new problems. Or perhaps same person, more trouble. I let in Dobby before I got caught up looking at the tiny circles of chemicals in front of me. I remember how it was. Counting pills, mixing types, my head isn't right, Dobby is meowing louder now. I thought, no, wait. Sitting down, I remembered Sierra. Where is the knife, where is the past, where is everything I used to keep me calm and at bay? Lets get back there, lets walk through memory lane, taking everything back like it never once left. What didn't kill you, made it hard for you to drink. My throat can't take it but the last time I said I wouldn't, I drank so much my body despised me for it. I guess my mum was right, about me being wrong.

But ma, I was so alone.


the beach.

"Bawaku ke pantai
Kosongkan kepala sambil bersantai
Mengira bintang dari pasir putih"

I was looking up searching for the moon, there was not even a star in sight. Was told to prepare for the rain- but then he came. We moved closer to the beach, blankets on the sand, music played on speaker, we had cigarettes and took hits. We had each other and the stars became more apparent, this seemed almost dream like. This should be perfect. But I wasn't. Everyone was in the mood, the vibe was good but I was lost looking up in the sky asking myself why I act the way I do and how it got me feeling what I felt. I couldn't explain when he asked. I felt like sinking into the sand or knocking myself dead. Suddenly I feel sick, to be the one to think of death when everything's beautiful- I was around joyful people laughing, talking or dancing but all I did was lie down.

I didn't want to go back, I knew I still had time and that this was that moment to live the way I did. Inexplicably I couldn't. He was sunshine in the night sky trying to bring me back to earth but I was stuck. I felt like crying. I was too irritated with myself, I felt paralysed. It shouldn't have been this way but I was still there. He started dancing in a way I've never seen him done before. I was mind-blown and astounded. He was exhilarated and I thought he was amazing. I felt it. He was just, everything. While everyone else was cheering to it, I was lying down with my arms over my eyes. We were at the beach and I was a bitch. They were all enjoying themselves and that's all that I want for them even if I wasn't a part of it.

I was distant and out of place. Feeling left out, no one was at fault. I had my loved ones and I had him. He drove all the way from home to me and I had to feel alone in the midst of having fun, ruining everything for everyone. Sabotaging my own happiness like I never wanted it. I wish I had the right words to explain what went in mind but it wasn't anything at all. I felt like going home but my home was with me. Perhaps it was just what were to happen next, and I just didn't want to go yet. In my silence it felt like I wasn't even there with them despite having them with me. I forgot about the thin line that separates me from everyone else. I walk around in a glass box no one dares to touch as I try not to break. Abhorring the distance, I wish I was where they were too.


this space is too small for me and I.

You wouldn't believe me if I said no one ever really wanted me.
And I don't have the capacity to bother and elaborate.

I used to care about every little thing. These days I don't always do. Not even when it's vital. I remember how excruciating it was. I still feel what is no longer there. I guess we feel what we feel whether or not we choose to react to it. I would tell myself how it's nothing. I try looking at things through the perspective of anyone else changing what shouldn't be to "this has always been". Some days I ask myself why I bother to change what comes naturally to me when I am able to accept it from everyone else. I tell people not to, but it's exactly what I do.  It's okay if it was you but I'm not allowed to. My feelings are mine, my emotions aren't stable and nobody needs to deal with that. I can handle it.

Because I'm supposed to. It's all I can do. I don't always want to and there are times where I wish I didn't have to. Almost everybody turns their backs on me in the end so how could I? How could I possibly tell anyone how I feel when I feel it if everything I've ever felt only ever brought the ones I love with all my heart and soul down? But I can't always lie and tell everyone that nothing is wrong and the grass is greener on my side when just like everyone else, I need someone willing to be there for me too. It's always easier to walk away. They say it's just as hard but I'm the one left behind, lost alone swirling back to my wicked state of mind.

I don't care, I would make myself think. I repeat it enough times to genuinely believe that I don't. I'll say it's nothing- it's never anything. If people don't care, why should I? Though everything comes with a price to pay. Funny how slowly those close to you hurts when you don't. Sometimes people forget what they give, in one way or another they get back. Tell yourself it's not that deep. Soon you'll see how you won't really feel. Where's the fun in that right? But then you start believing that it's unfair for them so fuck that and you give people your all even if it means crying on your own some nights wishing you never spoke because every single time you do someone gets hurt and it's never only you.

These days I let people walk away. I tell them to go if they wish to. I'd tell you to stay but the last time and each time I do, sooner or later it feels like forcing instead of asking and I don't want anyone to choose if I have to make them. If I don't have a place, I won't ask for it. I know how being unwanted feels even when somebody wants you. I no longer have the amount of ego and pride I used to, I cut things off or block it out to be safe. After everything I was put through, I find it even more difficult to believe anyone really wants to know. Now every time somebody looks away or is distracted with something else when they're with me or I'm speaking, I immediately assume they're uninterested. I still get downhearted whenever it happens if I let myself think about it.

I don't really mind anymore. I still tell myself that. There's always somewhere better to be and someplace to go. Whatever I am is for me to know and whatever it is, isn't what anyone should be looking for. I would still tell you to stay if you asked. It's just that no one ever does. Everybody thinks I've got it good or that if it's broken, it must have been me. It's always me. It hasn't left yet, the belief that everybody deserves better and I'm not meant for anyone the way I make people believe that they deserve every love they receive. There's always someone else, something more and I am less. The only place I have is where I'm standing. And people still can't see it. They don't believe what I feel.