look at me now.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017


I am afraid. So very afraid.
So god help me. I am getting to my head.
Help me save me from myself.


Sunday, 3 December 2017

Friday, 24 November 2017

in order to be brave.

What if everything you denied was for someone else to accept?
So everything you couldn't face, someone else had to.


Monday, 20 November 2017

preview to the new.

Perhaps asleep, while I have been awake ever since I woke the day before.

I can never really put my feelings into words. With him nothing ever comes out the way it does in my head on paper than when the words are spoken directly. This is safety, this is 'keep it between us', this is something I hope would go as far as we say it would. Up until we reach where we believe we could and if we are lucky enough, beyond.

It's insane to look back and think it's only been a short period of time yet this journey has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Everything dejecting was the cost of this; what I went through is the reason I am able to get this far. To be here, this blessed. Bliss. Everything left behind, every fresh start is worth the try- even if it's the same kind.

In mind is every moment I wake to see his face, every nightmare and anxiousness he manages to balance out and control. I have never been more attached to a smell. I never thought I would be the one to feel what I do and have what I own now. For the first time in my life, in spite of all the chaos, I'm still left with what I've longed to be my own.

And I am petrified.


Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Thursday, 7 September 2017

one way to say i miss you.

Perhaps I am just a tad bit jealous.
For whenever I am not there and someone else is.
(Lucky enough to be).



I'm feeling the sadness,
I'm pushing it away.
I'm acting as if it's a fantasy-full day.

Am I alone again?
Am I? Alone.

*drops mic*


Wednesday, 23 August 2017

day 8 in the ghost house.

It hasn't even been a day since he left and my mind is already deteriorating. I'm the best at making it all look so effortless. For that it's often than not difficult to believe. Though the ones closest to me knows more than I could ever mention. As much as I resent saying this, sometimes I actually believe everyone's forgotten about it. I do what I do to get through. 

It doesn't look like much, in fact I look better than ever although not physically. However everyday's a constant battle and mine isn't over yet. It's been 8 days, soon 9; I'm keeping track of my-could-be-or-soon-to-be-the-start-of-my-lowest-point. Although this time it's different, a bit too blessed now that I have him by my side. Nevertheless, we all know where this could lead to. A bit too much almost each time and everyday, still he stays and copes with me. Always trying to catch up, I tend to forget that my mind works in ways susceptible to me yet complicated for others. Off track, I choose to overlook this. 

To be honest, I don't have the exact words for my current state or condition right this instance. A couple hours has passed since I wrote this and he's already on his way to me. I know this is a lot for him too. God knows how much I can't repay all the hours I've taken and his time I've wasted. It's just that this time, I can no longer afford to do this all alone. Even if nobody understands, I hope the ones who stick by me have faith in me. This was never on purpose, I never asked for this.


Monday, 14 August 2017

remnants of thoughts that never left.

I haven't slept as early or willingly as I did last night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, heart racing, mind in shock, often on the verge of crying, I fear the things I can't make anyone see. Some nights a bit more harsh. Mind empty but it all feels so heavy. The nothingness so loud, I hear the silence screeching. I have the world in my hands when I'm undeserving. I don't have the words for the the type of abhorrence and love I have for myself. Smothered in guilt, I see myself chewing on my own flesh and skin. Refusing to be aware but I fear not knowing. Some moments terrified of everything, somedays the fear is of me. It tells me I want nothing more but to drown, I think of staying afloat, I move towards crashing down. No yes no yes no yes yes yes yes yes yes stop- I'm running off a cliff, no it's just a balcony, no- I don't want to be here yet I've nowhere to run. I've no clue to where I should go. I can't tell you what it is that is pushing me so vigorously into destruction. I am not lost, I'm out of my mind. I just want to go.


Sunday, 13 August 2017

guess again.

"I don't know where to go"

At the moment, I still don't. I keep on thinking I do up until the moment people start getting annoyed or frustrated. Everyone tells you they want to be there but the second you get too much, they're going to turn their backs on you. I keep getting thrown the same feelings over different words combined together from all the suffocation I cause. In the end even if no one is at fault, I am in the wrong. Having a mind you can't control, with everyone you love whom deserves so much better, I can't help but to think how everything could be so much clearer for everyone involved with me if I were to go. Ironic, guess I knew after all.


Tuesday, 8 August 2017


Reading back, you have always been the only one I was ever so eager to get to talk to.
Now I'm not sure if I should even be talking to you.


14/12/16 affection.

Perhaps I have a bit of affection for everyone.
Because waiting for someone to feel the same feels like forever.


15/12/16 i cried so you asked.

"Kalau you tak kisah, kenapa you menangis?"
Sebab I kisah tapi I tahu I tak patut kisah.


Wednesday, 2 August 2017

it's just me.

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense with me even if it makes sense to me. I can never really get my point across when it comes to sharing what I have in mind, with anyone at all. I don't expect everyone to understand and I know that some tries to. When they believe they have it figured out, I know they do, however not with the things that I want them to. I can't make people see what I do. My mind works in ways that don't correspond with most and their head is not mine to know. How do I make people believe that I can feel the weight they carry without having to be in the same situation when I say I do- the way I can't stress enough how much I mean what I say even if I seem to move in the direction contrary to all I claim to know and believe in.

It's not like that, it's not like this, yes, no, both - my head doesn't go in one straight direction, as sure as I can be. It's all contradictory and I'm in peace with it surprisingly. Although there are moments where it seems unbelievable. I know what it's like- I'm never talking to just one. There is always another voice, sound, being, I believe to be roaming around nearby, creating wars inside of me. I'm not crazy, I'm not sane. I talk and it comes out as barks. Giving out my point of view of things and I'm mistaken for being antagonistic. I come off as a snob, at times ungrateful and I'm good still. I don't need to explain myself just because people have a problem with it. I've wasted too many breaths trying to change things, wanting to be understood just for people's own convenience too. I'm often speechless in the end. I keep repeating the same words wishfully thinking that perhaps one day, someone sees it the way I do.

I believe if they ever do, they can finally see how I was never here to be right- I'm only here for the insights. I am not one to stick around for long. It's not my place to belong yet it's not that alone, is all I longed for. It is nice to know that to someone, you aren't anyone but you, in ways that you are not at all odd or disdained. I just want to talk a bit, sometimes too much. So listen if  you may, because no one really does. I only ask for what I am able to give in return. Stingy with time, for some it's all I willingly give. Full of questions, I always sound so skeptical. I'm allowed to be careful, most people omit to with me. Often misunderstood, I'm not one eager to argue or fight. My mistake is whenever I try to make things right. I go in too deep for the truth, reminding myself how I'm just trying to be honest, watching it all backfire more often than not.

It's a whole long journey and no one wants to stay till the end to know. People receive incomplete puzzles as I gain a new collection of all that is unsaid. I'm not saying you have to stay, far from implying how much everyone is itching to go away. As much as I forget, I remember more than anyone wants me to. I am responsible over myself for everything anyone has ever left me with to carry on my own. Just because I talk about being alone doesn't mean that I'm asking you to go. Each time I'm reminded by how it is for me to be where I was, believing all this is what I deserve, I so desperately hope that for once, someone knows; that somebody hears it too, the ear-splitting cries in all this silence. Everyones' so loud I sometimes neglect my own.

It gets lonelier being where you feel most at home, yet knowing you are not to them what they are to you. I don't always have the right words to say it exactly as it is enough to possibly be easy to grasp but believe in me, I know most people don't. I know they are not obliged to. So what is the value of trust to a person if it is so painless to break despite being the most difficult to gain? I'm never right wherever I go as long as my intentions are unknown. I guess it's never enough to give it your all. Naked and vulnerable. I don't need the whole world to acknowledge my existence or who I am as a person. I just want him to know, so I don't find the need to go. I'm never anywhere else than where he is if he is, with me. 

Even with the distance and long pauses, I've never took a step further from the only thing I want most; what I know he believes in too though for the time being, unknown. I wish he knew what it means when I tell him I am alone. I always am when he is gone. I don't mean for it to be literal. I don't how to tell him that everyone has and wants him without making anyone misunderstand. With a lot on his plate, I take the most space. He has seen me furious and I have had my fair share of anger. Nevertheless, I have never really been mad at him. If I were able I would change everything before it even gets to where it is now just so he doesn't have to feel what he does, but I can't even make him see what I'm trying to be.

In the end I'm brought back to where I am. Uninterested, alone. How could you blame me? I was never a fan of people and their crowds. I'm not meant to stay anywhere for too long. However despite all that is said, with him comes a point where I don't care at all. For everything that infuriates or devastates me, I tend to put aside or let go. At the end I still believe the things I do, that I deny, because with him nothing yet is as excruciating as not having him around or to know that he has it all wrong. I wasn't lying when I spoke of us. Even when I do, I don't care about this as much as I care about him. Is it that hard to believe? That I've got nothing more than all I give.


Tuesday, 1 August 2017

no grass is greener on the other side.

In my head I saw what I so strongly felt.
I said all that I knew, surprised-
I never thought it would be you.

Feeling his presence; you are 'it', as if you are him.
Broke down in tears, you don't understand what I mean.
I'm so broke it's whole to me. Isn't it clear already?
How all that you think I do, isn't at all for you. It's just me. 

I am with you as the person I am.
Who you let me become, whoever you believe could become of me.
It's not like that all, it's how you ask it to be.
Don't look where it's gone, I've never left you on your own.


Wednesday, 26 July 2017

phoned, fucked, psycho ex, good luck.

I double triple quadruple text,
call a hundred thousand times
and barely ever get the same back.

What's the point of wanting something so bad,
if it doesn't want to be there?


No one's fault but my own,
head too far up in the clouds,
I kept on believing I had a place where I was not found.

Denying myself, it's me that wants you here.
Some days I wish you heard.

down under.

Voice a bit raised, I've been here before.
What it's like and what's next if not the things I abhor.

Lost for words, I felt my heart dropped to the floor. I shut down - dead inside. Everything crumbling and dispersing into dust; unable to mouthed a word, I couldn't bring myself to explain what it all is or means. I started seeing myself the way everyone does, in my head. I was supposed to be safe here. I found home, remember? I didn't feel alone, I felt like a waste. I loathe the part where just like that, I'm reminded of how I was never meant for anyone. This world of mine, this state of mind, all alone for me and I.

I tell myself that it's different this time, I believe it too. He's not everyone else and I know that applies to those before him but it's not about them anymore. We're not what I've ever been in. I trust him. He is love, he is mine. I know he is. I know he knows. Even when I'm never right. This isn't meant for me for how I am completely undeserving of it. However my demons, they get chaotic, manic and he's the only one that has ever managed to keep them at bay. Some days vehement, malicious yet still, in the end tranquillised. Until I remembered what was asked-

I know things might never seem right, we're a mess and I'm more than less neurotic. To be honest I've forgotten the point of writing this at all. I could say that everything will be okay, though we all know how nothing's really meant to go our way. I'm wrong everywhere and all that I say only exhibits contradiction. In spite of that, looking back to these previous months, I would have never imagined or was even able to comprehend or make myself believe that there would be a day where I would meet the person that could possibly make 'today' feels like now and not forever lasting. That my yesterdays are the past that no longer lingers at the back of my mind like a raging headache, even if it has become a part of who I am; He opens my eyes to a future I have no clue of, he gives me reasons when I've lost every sense of dedication.

Outright terrified then again I have my whole heart in this. I wouldn't want in if I was planning to let it all go so easily. I've lost way too many times to this, nonetheless he is my everything. I am unfailingly blown away by him, eager to be in his presence, some days I wish I was better. My love, he means no harm. Although some moments I forget. I now have the world in arms reach, undeserving still, what could I possibly ask for more? I try not to get overexcited, aware of how much it aches to have it all taken away. Too tired of looking back to when we weren't, grateful enough that we are, I just hope out of all people, he would stay.

Yet I understand if he doesn't.


Thursday, 20 July 2017

furious not fast.

First pill down, this warmth was once home.
Second pill now, oh wow the flashback.
Third pill, I wish I could just swallow them all.
Fourth pill, I'm more aware of how this is less than enough.
Fifth pill, Momento Mori - Crywank is playing in the background.
Sixth pill, this seems much easier than before.
Seventh pill, I'm with myself again.
Eight pill, I don't respond well to anger.
Ninth, I shouldn't have told.
Tenth, I deserve to be alone.


Wednesday, 28 June 2017

kari to my chapati.


When all is bland, he is the heat that burns.
Toned down, still there. Out of sight, still felt.


the me in us.


-If you ask me I'll tell, even if it takes awhile.

Whatever happened, happened. However at this point sometimes I wish it hadn't. I guess whoever meets me later on just has to bear with the baggage I carry. It's funny how as time passes by, it looks as if it's so easy but we all know almost nothing is as it seems.

Some moments I can't help myself from tearing up or crying all together from looking at him. It's always difficult to balance the state of my mind, the trauma and after affect of what you've been put through, to think rationally and to use your senses when your insanity is triggered and to still be able to be true to who you are without getting anyone involved or hurt because of you.

Some days I still find myself denying everything thinking I know better. The thing is, what we tend to forget is the fact that at times no matter how prepared, if something were to happen it will and that either way, everything was meant to. I know that we know, yet we can't help but to feel what we feel. We can't always help ourselves. And I'm still hard on myself.

I hear promises a lot. They leave me as empty as they are at the end of each day. I know better than to put my hopes high, but I've always put so much trust in everyone I've been with. When all is in disarray I know it all goes back to me. What do I expect? It got to a point where I believed that was just how it was. That's how guys are. I stopped getting so surprised. My mistake was getting too complacent the last time. I thought he meant what he said. I see potential in everyone I get close to, thinking they could be different the way we all do.

Soon I barely took anything to heart. I listened but never believed anything enough to have had my hopes up high. I don't talk about the future as if it will be, I live each day as if yesterday never existed and tomorrow isn't any of my business. I never seemed to look serious enough to others. In their eyes, I was always playing even if I never was. But I've heard every sad story, every meaningless promise, every pick up line, every "I'm sorry, I won't do it again"- has it not yet been obvious how petrified I've become?

I used to get so jealous over all the girls my ex(s) used to check out. To all those who feels the pain of being the type almost never interested with the opposite gender and your loved one is drooling over everyone else. I tried looking at it from their perspective, made it clear that I could do the same without the intentions to spite anyone. I'll accept what I deserve when I know I could give more if I were given the chance to. These days I don't let myself think about it, I don't want to think about it. I come off as uninterested because of it. Truth be told I don't ever want to cause a scene. I know that each time I feel, I tend to.

I avoid crowds, I avoid thoughts of girls around my guy or anything related to it. I block everything out when I notice it slowly sinking in. I don't think about how anyone sees me or whether or not they like what they see. I make it to remind myself that it is none of my business. I don't want to hear what I lack, I'm aware of everything I don't have. You don't have to mention it, I overthink out of insecurities. I don't let myself do this anymore. I tell myself I can't be a psycho. I find it sad to say, everything has led me to believing that in fact, I am.

I know how it's like to beg for what doesn't want to be there. I don't know how I could ever believe that anyone would ever be on my side and is sure of it. Perhaps I am desperate, for all that I want. But I don't dare to these days, yet I still do. If someone asks to leave, I'll be the one opening the door. Not that I don't want you, I either can't stop you or is making peace in my head with the fact that people need to do what they need to do or that I'm assuming they don't want to be there. Some days it triggers something in me and I realise that it's me people shouldn't be with. Later on comes the strongest urge to back away and leave everyone be, thinking this place isn't for me.

Yet I don't want you to think I don't love you,
when I can't even bring myself to love anyone else.


Tuesday, 13 June 2017

ocean blue.

I never thought I would ever find the person I could be sad with, alone, but together - up till I met him. I know that the deeper we get, the scarier the obstacles may be and expectations are express tickets to dejection. However, things never felt so calm yet even in silence, it is when with him. He is so precious, often than not I am left speechless with a mind as blank as paper. Like a restart or that feeling when you're stuck. What you can't fully comprehend but it isn't needed to when deep inside you know that this is the answers to your previous doubts and questions. I am petrified whenever I let myself think about it. Being here before, anything could happen. Nevertheless I've never been so safe. It might be too early to say but he's everything I never thought I deserve, what I only ever imagined being with, never really believed I would get to be with.

Then again sometimes I think of ways I could possibly ruin it, 
with hopes that he doesn't' leave me.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

for the sake of all that's left.

Suddenly I was brought back to when we first met.
How he looked back then versus the looks in his eyes today-

Everyone thinks I'm still hook on that but in all honesty I've never been so at awe at the transition of how it all came to be. Despite everything happening directly to me, I've been feeling as if I have been watching it all occurring to someone else up from above- disconnected regardless of every connection. This all means beyond much to me, more than words could possibly explain, the things only known when felt. I hope he understands, that this could take awhile to. He doesn't know what he really is to me. All I see are all the possibilities I am afraid to receive but I am trying. Pulling out all the stops to still have everyone here, before I forget that I need to be too. Slowly spiralling out of my mind, my old house is calling. I miss home but I've lost touch with it. Hoping I don't go back to where I was now that I have more. But I'm too occupied with all that I don't know.


Monday, 1 May 2017


Being left and seeing people leave hasn't gotten any easier.
Even when he always comes back.

It is what it is when your home isn't a house and your house has never been home. I hate Mondays that feel like lonely Sundays, when everyone's at home but it feels like no one is. Waking up to someone getting ready to go or waking up early to be the one to, every step heavier- don't think about it. I thought about it and each time it all goes back to me. My head it argues in silent, every conclusion the same; how I was never meant for this. I should be on my own but no one ever made it felt like I exist in my own skin until I met him. I'd blame how I was raised but he brings every vulnerability in me out. I still get teary but my home should be where I am and I'm to stay behind. Don't ask, I wouldn't answer. Every word is a lump in my throat set to trigger every tear I hold in. Though I know my eyes are loud enough to pierce through him.

Body stone cold, inside I'm blazing. 
Don't go but I want you to.


Sunday, 30 April 2017

blank space.

It's always when no one is there,
that you need someone the most.


Wednesday, 26 April 2017

close to the edge.

I leave my phone on in case anybody ever needs me.
However no one ever does.

I didn't think it would get to this. Improved person, new problems. Or perhaps same person, more trouble. I let in Dobby before I got caught up looking at the tiny circles of chemicals in front of me. I remember how it was. Counting pills, mixing types, my head isn't right, Dobby is meowing louder now. I thought, no, wait. Sitting down, I remembered Sierra. Where is the knife, where is the past, where is everything I used to keep me calm and at bay? Lets get back there, lets walk through memory lane, taking everything back like it never once left. What didn't kill you, made it hard for you to drink. My throat can't take it but the last time I said I wouldn't, I drank so much my body despised me for it. I guess my mum was right, about me being wrong.

But ma, I was so alone.


the beach.

"Bawaku ke pantai
Kosongkan kepala sambil bersantai
Mengira bintang dari pasir putih"

I was looking up searching for the moon, there was not even a star in sight. Was told to prepare for the rain- but then he came. We moved closer to the beach, blankets on the sand, music played on speaker, we had cigarettes and took hits. We had each other and the stars became more apparent, this seemed almost dream like. This should be perfect. But I wasn't. Everyone was in the mood, the vibe was good but I was lost looking up in the sky asking myself why I act the way I do and how it got me feeling what I felt. I couldn't explain when he asked. I felt like sinking into the sand or knocking myself dead. Suddenly I feel sick, to be the one to think of death when everything's beautiful- I was around joyful people laughing, talking or dancing but all I did was lie down.

I didn't want to go back, I knew I still had time and that this was that moment to live the way I did. Inexplicably I couldn't. He was sunshine in the night sky trying to bring me back to earth but I was stuck. I felt like crying. I was too irritated with myself, I felt paralysed. It shouldn't have been this way but I was still there. He started dancing in a way I've never seen him done before. I was mind-blown and astounded. He was exhilarated and I thought he was amazing. I felt it. He was just, everything. While everyone else was cheering to it, I was lying down with my arms over my eyes. We were at the beach and I was a bitch. They were all enjoying themselves and that's all that I want for them even if I wasn't a part of it.

I was distant and out of place. Feeling left out, no one was at fault. I had my loved ones and I had him. He drove all the way from home to me and I had to feel alone in the midst of having fun, ruining everything for everyone. Sabotaging my own happiness like I never wanted it. I wish I had the right words to explain what went in mind but it wasn't anything at all. I felt like going home but my home was with me. Perhaps it was just what were to happen next, and I just didn't want to go yet. In my silence it felt like I wasn't even there with them despite having them with me. I forgot about the thin line that separates me from everyone else. I walk around in a glass box no one dares to touch as I try not to break. Abhorring the distance, I wish I was where they were too.


this space is too small for me and I.

You wouldn't believe me if I said no one ever really wanted me.
And I don't have the capacity to bother and elaborate.

I used to care about every little thing. These days I don't always do. Not even when it's vital. I remember how excruciating it was. I still feel what is no longer there. I guess we feel what we feel whether or not we choose to react to it. I would tell myself how it's nothing. I try looking at things through the perspective of anyone else changing what shouldn't be to "this has always been". Some days I ask myself why I bother to change what comes naturally to me when I am able to accept it from everyone else. I tell people not to, but it's exactly what I do.  It's okay if it was you but I'm not allowed to. My feelings are mine, my emotions aren't stable and nobody needs to deal with that. I can handle it.

Because I'm supposed to. It's all I can do. I don't always want to and there are times where I wish I didn't have to. Almost everybody turns their backs on me in the end so how could I? How could I possibly tell anyone how I feel when I feel it if everything I've ever felt only ever brought the ones I love with all my heart and soul down? But I can't always lie and tell everyone that nothing is wrong and the grass is greener on my side when just like everyone else, I need someone willing to be there for me too. It's always easier to walk away. They say it's just as hard but I'm the one left behind, lost alone swirling back to my wicked state of mind.

I don't care, I would make myself think. I repeat it enough times to genuinely believe that I don't. I'll say it's nothing- it's never anything. If people don't care, why should I? Though everything comes with a price to pay. Funny how slowly those close to you hurts when you don't. Sometimes people forget what they give, in one way or another they get back. Tell yourself it's not that deep. Soon you'll see how you won't really feel. Where's the fun in that right? But then you start believing that it's unfair for them so fuck that and you give people your all even if it means crying on your own some nights wishing you never spoke because every single time you do someone gets hurt and it's never only you.

These days I let people walk away. I tell them to go if they wish to. I'd tell you to stay but the last time and each time I do, sooner or later it feels like forcing instead of asking and I don't want anyone to choose if I have to make them. If I don't have a place, I won't ask for it. I know how being unwanted feels even when somebody wants you. I no longer have the amount of ego and pride I used to, I cut things off or block it out to be safe. After everything I was put through, I find it even more difficult to believe anyone really wants to know. Now every time somebody looks away or is distracted with something else when they're with me or I'm speaking, I immediately assume they're uninterested. I still get downhearted whenever it happens if I let myself think about it.

I don't really mind anymore. I still tell myself that. There's always somewhere better to be and someplace to go. Whatever I am is for me to know and whatever it is, isn't what anyone should be looking for. I would still tell you to stay if you asked. It's just that no one ever does. Everybody thinks I've got it good or that if it's broken, it must have been me. It's always me. It hasn't left yet, the belief that everybody deserves better and I'm not meant for anyone the way I make people believe that they deserve every love they receive. There's always someone else, something more and I am less. The only place I have is where I'm standing. And people still can't see it. They don't believe what I feel.


Tuesday, 18 April 2017

between sleep and tomorrow.

I don't want to fall asleep fearing the things I will miss,
but everybody leaves before dawn and by tomorrow I'll still be alone.


Saturday, 8 April 2017

happiest girl drunk.

Intoxicated with shaky legs, vomit stench and strangers.
Isn't this what you wished for? 

Anxious at the thought of being around crowds, zero cash, no cigarettes, what does she do with her hands? Thinking she should have stayed home, counting seconds, hoping no one sees her, she can't shut the voices in her head. Everyone staring but nobody is. Out more often, if you're drinking, she drinks with you. Lets go around, calling random decisions adventures. She doesn't talk or call, but these moments she can be the friendliest of all.

Content but she doesn't want to be home. Happiest girl drunk, she just doesn't want to be alone. Happiest girl drunk, she's tired of crying like it's the only thing she's capable of. Happiest girl drunk, she doesn't want to think about it. Happiest girl drunk, wishing she was someplace else, with someone else. Happiest girl drunk, never wanted to leave home. Happiest girl drunk, wish she knew where home was.


Tuesday, 14 March 2017


In my heart I felt,
In my head I said,

For every time we have a misunderstanding and he thinks I don't anymore or when I hate him or believe that he does too. Whenever he has to go and each time he decides to come over out of the blue. When he talks about his dreams, fears, problems, worries. When he's deep into his thoughts or feels, as he stares at the ceiling. When he asks if I'm okay or if it was something he said and did. When he slowly reaches for my hand because I took it back. When he says he's sorry when I should be instead. When he holds my face and kisses my forehead. When he lets me hug him when I don't deserve to even touch him. When I'm with any other guy that isn't him. When he's talking about someone else as I sit thinking that should be me. When he's jealous or mad still. Each time I get teary or start crying in front of him, really wanting to hug him but can't. And when he talks about things, relating me to it like he wants me to be a part of what he has and my heart goes weak because deep down I know everyone I've ever wanted to be with will find a hard time adjusting to the real me, or every part of me.

When he's there, and when he's not, and ever since the start to begin with or when I mess up and he still wants to be with me. Even when I abhor him or when he hates me, I feel the same. I'm starting to miss him even when he's with me and what could possibly be more dreadful than the realisation of how I am slowly anchoring to him. This is attachment growing. This is love blooming. And I can't be more sorry, because this is me becoming another nuisance when I know better than to be here. 


Thursday, 2 March 2017

a twist.

The one after the last.
That before the next.
Another bound for heartbreak.
As if you couldn't suspect.

Never really knew how it was like to be chosen,
until he chose her- not the knight in shining armour.


Monday, 27 February 2017

of jealousy and love.

Bezanya, dia yang teristimewa.

This was before God's twisted humour consisted of me again. I'm the cat curiosity killed. I came across someone of the past. Bear in mind that it had nothing to do with me, this was someone else's. I thought maybe what I was feeling was exactly how I felt except that I could do better this time. Until I found out more of what I didn't sign up to know. I can't tell whether this is jealousy or bitterness. Since it didn't really surprise me to begin with. Maybe it was never really anything at all.

I could choose to not feel.


Tuesday, 21 February 2017

bravest everything.

All I ever wanted was a sincere apology.
I thought I at least deserved the sort of closure I never received.

Deep down I just needed another reason to believe,
that he was ever different. Or if it was just me.


between the lines.

Before every goodbye,
my emotions get lost.

My eyes stone cold,
but inside I'm soft.

I say okay,
I mean go away.

Often shoving them out,
when I want them to stay.

(I don't want to feel too much)

Saturday, 11 February 2017

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

been along.

She's not going to be there for long.
But isn't it funny how she's never left at all?


Saturday, 28 January 2017

no strings.

I prefer to not get in the way of anyone or anything.
So these days even when I chase, I never do.

I'm only here to leave.


Friday, 27 January 2017

you've mistaken.

"At the end of the day it's how you are".

But I'm not the girl you make yourself believe I am.
I'm no longer the sort of pure you speak of.

So every time you point out any good in me,
as you speak of someone else's bad,
I flinch and cringe on the inside.

When you're still you, just no longer you,
and you do good, just not that sort of good-

You know what I mean?

That I no longer have all that I saved for last.
That I go against all the things I said I couldn't condoned.
That I've lost what you thought you had because you were a bit too late.

I'm never on time anymore.
I'm not the me I know.

this is how you do it.

Don't put your feelings in it,
they're not worth an inch of you.

Talk about it like you mean it,
making them think there's meaning.

Laugh about it if they use it,
because all you've ever said
was never yours to begin with.

Monday, 16 January 2017

less and more.

Stay positive, but my throat is at it again.

I say I need to get better- but there are parts of me left behind, fragments lost in my own body and mind. Everything known except for an exit; a so long goodbye that never comes back to say hello. It's comforting and frightening. Is it wrong to believe that this is a part of me I can't get rid off? For now at least. Each time I start to acknowledge it's absence, it comes rushing back to me. How do you tell people the voices in your head are your own but you don't know which part of your life this comes from? That you wish to be kind but the demon you really are loves you the way you wish you could. That this became the only way you knew how to.


Friday, 13 January 2017

keep your worries.

"It's depressing".

I know. I went through it and still going through it. I have a choice and in my writings are everything or most of the least, of what's in my head. I do not promote self loathing or victimising. It's not wrong to feel. It's unfair to expect me to be alright or to ask me to change my ways over what you read. It's my escapism. It's my coping mechanism. Isn't it enough that I barely talk about it or let it be? I know people can't tell if it wasn't for everything written. So they get surprised each time.

You're this, you're that, you shouldn't-, you should-, well take my shoes if you're eager. This is why I never really talk about it. You immediately respond to what you hear instead of listening through it and learning the ways and reasons of the one going through it. Either way I've always been here for me, whatever I put myself through, I'm responsible for. So whatever that seems to be wrong to you, is how I survive to get through. At the end of the day I'm okay am I not? Because I'm always going to be alright on my own.


Monday, 9 January 2017

same ashes.

Either way the damage's done.

I can't lose myself in the void, I can't be that much aware to notice the wormhole trying to suck me in to the other side. I'd sleep it away but everyone knows I can't anymore. Mentioning "everyone" must be a joke knowing barely anybody knows but me. I haven't done this in awhile; being up and writing. Typing. Perhaps I haven't been feeling this way for awhile, not this exact type of way at least.

I've been meeting, finding, surrounding myself around good company. They say keep it positive right? Though I know I haven't done it enough to cover all negativity. No overthinking until there's feeling. Enlighten but unaware; I always feel like the home I've learned and known misses me more than any potential new place of warmth could. I belong in the cold and as many times as anyone tells me that I deserve to be happy, I wish they knew that I do try but I don't believe it. I still received my fair share of moments and I'm grateful. However there is a shadow figure of what I really am and how my mind is, constantly waiting at the corner of everywhere I go, watching me, letting me know that I cannot run far from where I am bound to be. This thing owns me.

I hate to be told that I haven't tried hard enough when I've gotten this far but it's true that I'm not anymore. Then again everyday is a choice and I still wake up to get through opposed to how I used to. I go through phases that reveals itself as major life events that would soon affect me in the long run whether I'd like to admit or not. No consumption of greens or mind numbing liquid is enough to keep me at bay. I know now that I can no longer explain my situation when there is none. I'm constantly floating around, I've lost my ground. Everyone always comes a bit too late and I'm never on time. I know how my mind works but I've been in denial. 

Curiosity killed the cat but I'm constantly dissecting myself and observing everyone else to learn the things that keep me occupied. My problem would be not knowing where to stop, when to quit or to realise that things are starting to break me. I don't know what rest is despite the leisure it looks like I'm having. Sicker days are all I've ever known so better days always seem to be on hold. I still enjoy every moment I can- but this fire can't always be burned too bright without burning me out and the light in me keeps blowing off in the midst of joy.

4 years and it's still the same. Any time before it, keeps losing their pieces from my mind. Some days I forget I was ever alive in those years but if I wasn't how could I be here now; it must have been real. It happened. They say it's in the past but it made me who I am. I don't look back to dwell, I look back just to remind myself. Even if I've lost most of that I built, every year is a new beginning of the same things. Every day gets too long and nights too cold but days passes faster than the time I get to digest it all. It's entertaining to me to be so distant yet a bit too close. I can choose what to be, how to act, who to play as today but at the end of the day what it is, is exactly who I am and no one has ever known.

Some days I'd like to think the voices aren't mine. Everybody says it's satan whispering me into delusion but who cares what's true when nothing could be. I know me and this is my head speaking. It could get abusive but I survived on this. The contradiction and battles in my head is draining but I haven't given much thought to it until I woke up in the middle of the night alone again with feelings that take me back to when the dimmed yellow light of my room was the only light I ever wanted to sink in to. The day was my knight in shining armour but the dark is the kind of love I could afford and I honestly can't remember it being any other way. Sad but I don't call the shots, I just get through.

So what if I've never been my own?