the home i've lost and love.

7/4/17:1226pm

I've never really felt as if I belong, no matter where I went or for how long. Every place is another to either forget about or cherish. Every home I find myself in is temporary. I've never felt safe enough to ever be too comfortable as myself in these places. People can only take so much; and being a lot, I'm not what anyone's signing up for.

I met him at the right time, when everything was in disarray and I was searching for a new meaning. Somewhere in between I was lonely. What a way to start a love story. At the same time it was the worst possible timing. However I knew where my mind was and how this could end to be if I had pushed it a little more. Then I knew better. I wasn't up for losing bits of myself from trying in any way, to become more of what anyone would want of me instead of appearing as myself. I'm not going to pretend everything is okay and swallow all the questions stuck in my throat, avoiding all the feelings I know could get people annoyed and never speak of it like it never bothered me a bit. I'm not going to lose or gain weight or change the way I think or fix myself just so someone would finally stay. I could be everything you could possibly want, if what I am is what you're searching for. Though it never really is.

With his head on my lap, him asleep, it hit me what this brought me back to. Looking at him, I've always asked myself if this was the right thing to do, if it's actually okay to. It doesn't feel wrong, I just fear one day he might realise that it was never supposed to be and decide to leave. I don't think about him going when I know that anything could happen but right now we have what we have and that means I'll still get to be with him and experience all that we had up until now and that's fucking great right? But I seem distant and unresponsive, sometimes it's like I've lost interest. I don't think it's possible to give someone everything you have when you're still hiding parts of yourself. I try not to and I'm not most times but some moments I can't help to. I always knew I could lose him. I don't think I could risk that. I don't want to.

Then I laughed to myself and thought it was funny for me to say knowing that last time we checked, I did the total opposite. Yet he still sticked around. I don't let myself think about losing him or him loving me back the same way but I know how I would feel if he does and I love him the same way I always had. I can't help but to think he deserves and could do better. But I don't mind spending time with him and some nights I know I could get through without being intoxicated but with his presence. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I just believe he always has somewhere else he should rather be at. Though I know he's here because he wants to be, that he makes time for me and I wish it was easier to explain what I'm trying to convey but it isn't.

A safe haven; a new home, he's like the bedroom I no longer own. With him I'm comfortable in my own skin, to be me and feel what I feel. I don't know if this is as real as it feels but if it isn't, then he gives out the illusion that I am not alone. He makes it feel as if it's no longer just me against the world. That I have him by my side, just I never ask. I know I don't say as much as I did too. Even if I don't fit it or feel it, he puts in effort trying to make me feel how he does towards me and I know that I'm the only. I know some days I make it hard to believe. Would you believe it if I said I could love him more and too much and still not be sufficient when he learns that there is more baggage with me than he could take? Still, deep inside I can't help but to believe in him. He could be different. Perhaps this time, someone feels the same.

I wish he knew how I really feel about him but I've noticed how that has changed as days passed too. Today I could never even get close to describing it exactly. I love him in a whole different way. Ways that leave me speechless. I'm still taking time getting used to this. To accepting that I really do have what I do now. This was all I needed the most back then. He was nothing but a figment of my imagination before I discovered his existence. He used to be a thought and now here he is, mine. I believe we're all flawed in one way or another with demons of our own and things we've never told but he accepts mine and I want to tell him anything he wants to know. I just want it right this time. I just want it all with him.

-riri-