thank you // dido.

4/4/17:1126pm.

The more I read of the things that was written about you or for you,

the more I am reminded of the feelings I had and all that came to be.

I don't know what it is these days that makes it so difficult.

I'm not much. The only thing I have of my own is myself. I was empty and in denial. I was cold at the core but I gleamed like the world was my motherfucking oyster. You ever felt like the world was in your hands and you've got everything under control? In reality you were so alone choking on your tears shaking from the pills you took so long to swallow. Lying is the most fun a girl can have without having to take her clothes off- and without realising I became accustomed to it. At the same time I never really had any bad intentions despite it being a foul action. I never mean any harm. A walking contradiction, I did what I had to and no one ever really understood why I could possibly even agree on doing such.

I don't think as much as I feel. I'm alone more than I talk. I hate replying, I prefer isolating but even so, I'm just human. If you asked me back then, I couldn't possibly tell you what being comfortable feels like- I never was. With him it's different. And I thought I knew "different" before. Some moments acting still, even awkward and indifferent, but he teaches me how to speak up my mind better and I'm trying to get rid of my passive aggressive ways. These days I don't fear losing whatever I own. I don't let myself sink into the thought of it but I'm well aware of how it would leave me feeling if it happened.

Even so, I don't want to lose anyone out of oblivion and at the moment I'm too blessed to be taking things for granted. Even if the start wasn't as pretty as we would expect it to be, I enjoyed every moment I got to be around him and who would've thought we would actually be where we are now. If I were patient when he was figuring things out with me on the side, he could be too, with me trying to adapt myself with him and his ways. I use to dread the meeting-everyone-they-know part. Knowing I could never stick around with them long enough before I start feeling uneasy or irritated. Still I try. These days I just want to be a bit more me.

//

Somedays I wish he understood that I do love all that he does, whichever that I don't, I learn to. If only he could see how I have always been me but with him. Not change myself to be what he wants me to and mold him into what I prefer him to be. I have seen him for him, I wish he saw me for me.

-riri-