15/9/17:134am.
I think we have got it all wrong. He isn't at all what you might see him as or what he thinks in the end he is to me. He had no clue of what he was getting into the day I had to hid him from everyone because he stayed a bit too long and he could have ran, it wasn't going to be his problem, that's true. However he stayed, before we parted ways. He came with a can of coke to offer that he then asked permission to drink a bit later that time. For some it's almost annoying but bare in mind, I never offered him a glass of water. I thought he was funny, as if he has never been with anyone except that you could sense a bit of hollowness in him, which changed that thought.
He came all the way to get me at 2 in the morning after practice knowing so little of what I was doing or going through. Call it curiosity but he was god sent to me. He doesn't look at me funny or question why he has to follow me to the toilet when I'm anxious of whatever my head could imagine would be at public toilets late night or in the morning anytime before dawn. These days he would even go in before me just to make sure nothing suspicious or in need of attention is present before he leaves me to myself, as he waits nearby. You could say that he's spoiling me even if he has no clue that he is yet I adore him for it. Even if things were awkward at first, other than that we know of, how we often than not send mix signals to each other, every little thing he does, to me is another way of showing how deeply he does care even if it seems as if what is done is only at the heat of the moment, that when it happens, is usually when all is a complete wreck. However with him, I feel the movement I do not speak of. He is the only one that does it without knowing yet willingly do it anyway, despite the times I question it thinking that he only does because I mentioned.
Ah but he listens. I know I'm not one to always be able to make him feel any better. In the end it's always the same. He does so much and feels like he has barely done anything at all. It's tiring I know. I don't always have the exact words to describe what I feel but I know it isn't at all as what is shown, what he might have misinterpreted. He is there, though there are times where he is unable. Every time he comes back with something new. He does this instead of that or that instead of this and I know from the bottom of my heart that he is trying so hard however over what isn't perfect nor flawless, it has made it seem to him that he is much less than what he really is to me. I am happy when he loves me. I remember the bad- yes, worst- when it is repeated. Nevertheless he has done so much more for me beyond that for any of our past mistakes to be unforgivable to me. I don't want to know who's fault it is, I just want us to be aware of the situation itself, of what it is we really want or to make of ourselves and it sounds so easy I know. "If you don't try you won't know".'
Not here to be pointing out the mistakes or conflicts and how it makes me feel to drag him down. I do it, boggled of why it is occurring yet believe that I am constantly learning and so are we. That in the moments it happens, I am okay even when we are not. Powerlessly, I wish that he could feel it too, knowing how things aren't. To focus on us when everything is in chaos and listen when I tell him he is not alone even if now it is obvious that we are both on different sides, none being each others. That I am holding his hand still, and that I want to. Because I can't feel him when we are a mess when everything's on his mind, while in mine I'm blocked and blank. In these moments all I want to do is run and leave it all behind. I wish he would just trust me enough to run with me. I will always come back, he doesn't have to go for too long. I am neverland if you believe it enough. That I want the best for him except that I'm not the best for him.
He stays by my side in desperate times, asks me how I am when he can. He leaves everything behind for me even if he was, forced to. I never wanted to propel him into loving me. I naively believed I could love him the most when I know too well of how my love is wrong. I am fucked up but he accepts me. He tells me I am sinless when I know I've sinned him. The only one brave enough to take me away from my life. He cries when I cut and he comes rushing to me when I'm about to leave. He hugs me and holds me when I hate him because I love him. He talks about the potential he sees in me and believes I'm amazing when everyone else sees just another privileged hopeless, lazy, full of excuse, emotionally unstable being. Even if at times he thinks otherwise. I think it breaks my heart the most when he sees me the way everyone else does. I can't blame him; I tend to react in the way opposite to how I would plan it to be. I confuse everyone. You don't get it, he has seen me hysterical and at my lowest so far, yet still, he is able to tell me to stop this bullshit when I tell him I should go.
You don't get how much he means to me or how hard it is to go on with someone knowing you are fucking shit but you don't want to let this go. Even when you reach a point where you find that everything would have been much better for them if you just did. I can't tell you how much I believe in this and I can't be the only one. He makes me the calmest I have ever been even when it is manic. He is the only person I still want to go back to after an argument so bad, anyone would rather die. In the end I don't want to go anywhere further away from him, even if it is wrong- and I am so wrong. He is everything I have ever asked for that I do not believe to be able to have encountered and belonged to but I am too rotten to be. I take too much time to process everything when my mind goes first and body second. I do not hang on to my past but I am part of it. I am everything I have been put through and become. I'm distorted, the glitch of emotions is where I am unstable. My head is too much I can't take the sound. My urges are too strong, being positive doesn't take it all away yet he loves me. He loves me so much and I want to die. How do you deal with that?
How do you deal with knowing that you are so blessed but the demon that you really are wants to break you and shred you to the point of your extinction because I am so fucking scared, I am so fucking scared, I am too fucking scared. You don't know what he is to me, you don't know what alone is, you don't know how I thanked God for this but I should've died before I had him. Still I am so blessed that I have met him.
-riri-
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