of all that he thought he could.

18/1/17:1016am.

1) He once told me it aches to see me cry.

2) He says he hates when I'm in pain.

I haven't been talking as much as I did. I don't tell him what's been going on or get in too deep with how I feel. Heavy matters I mention quickly with a smile and a laugh at the end indicating he shouldn't worry as much as it is distracting. I'm not asking anyone to, I don't believe that he does and by that I mean that he might or would but I'd rather him not, with everything that he needs to do. I don't like getting in the way of things even if people claim that I won't and I'm not.

This must have been from my past. Every time anyone important mentions or points out anything that I do that they dislike, I have the tendency to change it for their convenience. I don't mean petty things like my hair or how I choose to dress. I mean anything that is related to my emotions, how I show it or whenever I say or do whatever that to me, as I sense it, ruins the mood/moment/atmosphere. My mind isn't to be voiced out when it comes to these flashbacks, darker days and feelings.

I hate to be a burden and this reminds me each time of when the last person told me how exhausted they are of all I have been saying when all they hear is that it's never been any different. I get that their lives move to different stages in a blink of an eye, that it's easy to get over while mine have moments where the state I'm in is going to be the same two weeks after. So I don't think about it knowing it only adds more weight to the one listening.

I don't let myself believe that there is the sort of value in me that makes everything I am, 'alright' to anyone who thinks or believes that they accept me or could possibly handle me. I do not allow myself to succumb to the belief of how I, to a person, could ever be that special. I do not put myself in such a high position to ever think that I could perhaps, accept that a person would ever really want me as a whole when I am often the one who feels so.

I know me. All that I was, am and could be. With the wrong people it is heavy and with the potentially right one, they haven't seen it all to learn that it isn't what they would have bet for if they knew. Overly emotional with signs of little to no emotion to keep a distance. It's never really pushing people away, just pushing people to better and to not be a waste. I have cried a couple times and more, I don't want to cry in front of him anymore.

-riri-