a type of fear in the distance.

5/4/17:436am.

I'm not the same kind of awkward as I was a few months back and I can't tell if I'm talking less. There have been more times where I come off as uninterested or edgy. Sometimes distant seeming as if I would rather be elsewhere. Suddenly it hits me once more how this was one of the things I have always abhor feeling, except that it's different this time. Must have been from how I decided at the end of last year to change my ways again. Sticking to being me; subtle but in time you will notice the differences as what might feel like rebellion, when it really isn't.

Not that I don't trust him, I just fear how it would be if I cogitated about it whether or not I want to. If I let myself, I would care more but even so, I still do. It still feels odd to write about or to him although inside I feel everything I wish I could say out loud yet each time I end with a lump in my throat and me taking more of his time when he's running out of it. Perhaps my heart no longer skip beats. Still each time I think about the things he does, I feel what I have always felt for him. Like eating sour skittles when you're trying not to laugh that your face starts hurting and some days you hate that more than anything but you don't mind going through it. You love your skittles. The way I don't mind doing this again. I want to the way I want him and I know this sounds corny but if I didn't I wouldn't still be here. Each time it comes to mind, the thought of how he could have chosen to leave will find its way back to me. People could believe that I'm fearing that whatever I do will come rolling back to me, when in reality I've always been aware. I know he is capable of acting the way I have and doing the things I've done.

I always knew that if he wanted to, he could have left anytime and I always made myself believe that he was going to this time or the next; "he's never coming back, move on now" even in the moments where he has never even went. Indeed the fear has yet to leave. I'm not much but he means a lot to me even if it doesn't make sense to him and anyone else who sees. He knows how things either mean nothing or everything to me but I put meaning in him as if I was ready to handle taking another risk, when I knew this could break me. With me letting myself open up to him even more, presenting who or how I really am like a show and what it's like in my head or how hard I might be to handle; imagine the courage I have gathered to gamble with all the possibilities of how this could turn out to be. Next thing I knew he was falling deep asleep when I remembered the night I cried talking to him about how it used to feel and he held my face at the end, firmly telling me that I am fucking amazing.

I didn't believe him. It may have been that I didn't want to. However, ironically at that moment when he said it, for a second I was convinced that he believed it too how somehow somewhat, I was "amazing". It must be pathetic to admit that I wished he loved me back then the way I didn't want to believe that I could have had started loving him already. Still, I found it was better if he didn't. I would make myself think he didn't really need whatever I would end up bringing. I didn't suppose I would be this selfish to let it be, even so he makes me feel inexplicable things and I have the compulsion to give him everything he deserves. This is all talk now acknowledging that my actions up to now only proves otherwise and I can't tell him that this is the best I could do when it isn't. I hope I get there with him still with me. The best is what he deserves and I know everyone says that to everyone but this is me aspired to give him a taste of the best I could do, if I am able.

I still fail to function the way I'm supposed to and often than not things are in disarray but he sticks around and try. Sometimes he forgets about things but he asks. I never get to ask even when I really want to. I'm sorry for the moments I sink in silence over my own inadequacy. Even when I do, I still find it hard to let myself believe that even my pettiest thought matters to him because I mean that much. I am in the middle of becoming soft again while keeping my distance. I'm afraid of calling or getting a bit too clingy. Though know that he has me. I don't let myself think too far. I'm not going anywhere, he could trust me; if he's in it with me. Out of place and I'm lousy at this but I could do better. I should be better. I would. I try.

-riri-