hell in mind, love at heart, home with none.

8/2/17:210am.

"I want to be what no one was to me."

Seeming a bit off, I asked what it was.

She said:

When my mind goes insane, despite the silence, I feel suffocated with voices that can't be heard but digested and implanted in my head. Everybody says it's all in your head but my head knows what's right. It knows it's wrong, there's just not always a way to prevent things to be the way you think it should. Don't speak of rationality, it's not like I don't try. However these demons, they aren't against the world nor are they against me. My demons are mine. But in all honesty, I have been theirs. Loving me in the sickest way, they are here for us to become as one. Toxic yet romantic, they don't seem to want us to part.

I still have my moments, where a little hurt helps. From time to time I get the urge to cut. Restraining myself from cutting off my hair or pulling it out, clawing my skin until it bleeds, swallow up all those pills, I feel afloat. I have to constantly tell myself no. Thinking of everyone else it will affect if I do. Some days I feel that it is unfair when this should be between me and I. It's my life, it should be my choice. But that's the crazy talking. It's not an idiot. It can twist and turn a fact to manipulate the mind into believing the wrong. Isn't it funny that it's still right at the end? Because it makes sense.

There is a vindictive entity living inside me. Hurt the way you were hurt, perhaps they'll see. I say I would rather be sad than in rage but the last time I remember wallowing about it refusing to be in such a state any longer to anyone who listened then. Would you believe me if I told you the main reason I didn't was just so it would be easier for everyone else? I have no anger in me, I avoid such emotion. If I am not resentful, the chances of me hurting anyone is highly unlikely, I now believe. Ironically instead, I am impaired by others for being down. There is no rage in me, but how do I explain wanting to smash my head against the wall to then throw myself across the room because fuck you for making it hard for everyone, right?

It's complicated. To know what you're worth and to genuinely love yourself, at the same time so sure that nobody should be with you. Because I know better. As much as I love myself, I'm not right to be taken care of. It's a never ending contradiction. I can care about anyone else and leave when I'm the mess or that they care less but some days I live like I don't give a shit about myself. I become self destructive. Every decision or thought has it's battle. I am exhausted over all the debating, I don't want to choose anymore. Though I still get up on my feet after each fall. I'm aware that despite this, I need to keep moving for me.

Some days I can't take the crowd, even these familiar faces has me praying to god to disappear. 

I can't always explain exactly why or when it happens. It just does.

-riri-