leaving in silence.

It could happen anytime.

But before I go, I'll leave everybody without a reason. They'll be mad; I'll burn down everything I'd built. Then slowly they'll move on. Either they'd hate me or maybe just stop thinking about me and I, I find peace in solitude, hopefully. Come to think of it, me being socially awkward and the one who stands out the least makes it much easier for me to be forgotten.

I want them to live their life-without me. It'd be better that way when I'm gone. They won't miss a thing. Why? Because I was never a part of their daily routine to begin with. It'll be sad. If I'm lucky enough, they won't even know that they would never see or hear from me anymore. Not ever. That the only thing they have of me are the photographs and memories.

No one, none would know except for those who were there. And slowly, I never even existed.

yours truly, riri.

to: Ilie.

One day I was talking about you to Rara when she asked "Why don't you tell her this?"

I had my reasons why I didn't and finally, here I am writing about it.

Well I only live once. Never know when suddenly Allah will take my life away so I'll say the things I've kept inside before it'll forever stay inside.

Hi ilie, I miss you though I know I don't really tegur you.
It's just, I wouldn't know what to say.
The last time we really talked to each other was two years ago.
I remember you telling me how PMR was way harder than UPSR.
You said when I finally go to secondary school, I'd realize how the things I learn in primary school would be nothing much compared to the things I'll learn here and because of you, I got ready for that. you were right.
You know what? I hate seeing you sad.
I know we're not so close and it's crazy how when you hurt,
I hurt more. But it's true and I don't even know why.
You so deserve to be happy, at least happier.
I care for you. I know I don't even show it.
I mean I don't even talk to you anymore but,
that doesn't mean I don't want to.
You wanna know something else?
One day a wonderful guy will come into your life,
because you deserve one. And this time, he'll stay.
You're such a nice person. They say the kindest person has been through the most pain and I can see that in you. You smile a broken smile now and it saddens me.
I know I don't know what you've been through, I've never been there.
I don't know your story or the pain behind it.
Honestly, I've always wanted to be the person that'd be there for you.
I've always wanted to let you know tht no matter what, I'd be there.
I wanna be that person that you'd tell things too like whatever that makes you happy or when you're sad or when you just can't sleep and need someone to talk to.
I know this sounds weird and shit.
It's just, I look around me and I see girls going through so much alone just because they don't wanna be a burden to others or afraid to look weak in other people's point of view or they just feel like they're not worth anyone's time and I feel them. I've been there.
You don't need to take anything I wrote here seriously.
I'm just telling you what I've always wanted to say.
I wanna see you happy and abt SPM, you can do it.
I believe that you can and good luck!

yours truly, riri.

asdfghjkl

You get addicted. Not to the pain it causes, but to the pain it takes.

Tormented. Sick and depress. They tell you they care. They tell you your happiness is their happiness but it's them who crushes you. The things they say and do. Worst of all, you can't do anything about it. Powerless. It's sick. It's shit. But it's true.

Stuck and controlled. Home is the only place you can be at. While people go out with friends or walk around a nearby park or so to calm their messed up mind, the only place far enough you could go to is your house's compound. The anger hurts your ears but you can't stop nor fight it back. Respect them, they've done a lot for you but you're in rage. You can't talk to anyone, walls have ears. You can't shout nor can you hit things, everything is in someone else's control. Crying is unacceptable. The pain becomes inevitable and that's when you get these massive headaches.

Your head starts spinning, it gets harder to breath, suffocating in despair, nothing's ever enough and it kills how you have to keep it all in and you get so angry at yourself you start thinking of ways to make things better, ways you should never follow. It's like a sick joke people never get tired of telling that you get tired of listening. You calm yourself down, it hurts too much to even cry and something caught your eye, you took it, slowly placing it on your arms and you start slashing.

You promise never to do it again but things get all inexplicable and you keep on doing it till it no longer hurts you. It's either you've got immune to it, you're getting even more numb by the day or maybe the pain you're feeling hurts more than the one you're causing. Know what's funny? No one actl cares. They'd never ask. You're never gonna tell anyway. It's like celebrities with drugs, people know and they just let it be.

yours truly, riri.

twentytwelve: fifteen.

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you 

You're gonna believe them  

And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out  

Well, count to ten, take it in  

This is life before you know who you're gonna be.

 On the 19th October 1997, a beautiful baby girl was born. Fifteen years from then, a beautiful young lady she became. Mistakes made, screwed up here and there, life full of laughs, smiles and most of it tears but then again here you are, still standing. Things get hard, people get bitchy, life gets unfair, you get depress but just so you know through thick and thin I'm here. Always will be. Screw what anyone else says. They'd judge but they don't know you the way I do. Some might know your story but that doesn't mean they know the real shit behind it.

Babygirl, as you can see we're the only ones we've got right now. Mom, Dad, not exactly,

and it's okay. I'll study hard, I'll get a good job. I'll find somewhere safe and sound to stay, you could live with me till you get your life straight. I can't imagine how I'd be the me I am today if it wasn't for you. Maybe there wouldn't even be a "me" anymore if it's not 'cause of you.

There's times where you feel like nobody cares and I get it, I feel ya. Though the way we both get treated are different, you have what I don't and I have what you don't but in the end the only thing we have in common is we have each other. Things would fall apart but toughen up, cry your lungs out when you've fallen then suck it up, wipe the tears, pull yourself back up and keep on moving. You're stronger than you think you are.

Remember, even if you fail in whatever it is that you're doing, it's okay. When everybody else looks down on you, when everyone else walks away, I'll be here by you. I'll never judge you for what you do or who you are 'cause I know you and I know why.

Happy Birthday Babygirl, May Allah bless you!

Stay strong, I love you.

xoxo, yours one and only, riri.

you came back.

After a year maybe more,we meet again. Finally.

It was just, I just felt, I just can't. Word's can't even describe.
It was weird. Funny. Not because we were awkward, quite the contrary to be precise. I was surprised really. This takes me back to the moment I did my oral presentation where I was talking about how hard it is to find friendship; you know those who you can bla bla blahity blah to and so on. Those people you might lose contact with and not talk to for days or even months but when you do get the chance, you talk like not a day had passed.

We had things going on, reasons why it was hard to get together. Maybe it was us, procrastinating. Taking things for granted. I waited, worried she might not make it, it was getting late when I saw this car slowly passing my house and there she was, smiling at me. The moment after I hugged her, BOOM, mouth opened, things blurted, everything I told her and she just sat there and listened, patiently, like she used to.

This is the girl who saved me from depression and frustration when I was in primary school. The first to really cared that time. Because of her I found myself again. She has changed me so much. I knew things would changed the moment she left to boarding school, our group, me and the others would never be the same again. She was what held us all together. Each broken and glued back, she was the glue and when she was gone, so was the bond, shattered into pieces.

We were hopeless. I wanted everything back but I was the only one. But then we meet again, and flashbacks from when we were in standard six played in my mind. It was like I saw us from above, smiling, laughing but this time it was just us. Sadly, it was just us. What hurts the most was goodbye. Goodbyes are never good when it comes to separating us, friends. I saw the tear in her eyes she was blinking back careful not to let it out or at least not in front of me. I hugged her for the last time.

A few days later I had just finished playing fireworks with my sister when I checked my phone. I got a text from her. The way she texts me never changed. That's mirauwr I thought to myself, for sure. She was on the way to KLIA. Flying back to where she belongs I guess. Away from me. I could imagine being on a plane, looking outside, thinking of those who we are leaving behind. By the time I text her back, it was too late. She was already gone.
Phone left behind.

Heartbreaking.

Yours truly, riri.

Clear It All Up.

My time is up. Shows over. Make-up removed. Smile, because I can.

Can you see the picture? Clearer with your glasses on.

Your hair is all messed up, so is your mind.
Have you prayed enough? Have you tried hard enough?
Now look at yourself and how heartless and more monotonous you have become.

What do you want actually? What do you expect from people?
For things to be the way they used to?

No. I was living in a protected world where shit happens but ends with a happily ever after but not anymore. Even if I had the choice to go back, I've thought about it, I don't want to. Maybe a little but not for long. They lied to protect me from the hardcore truth of life, from the cold people living in this beautiful world. Where family cared and love you for who you are, where everyone were your friends. Let me stay in my cruel state of mind, where it's a parallel world.

Family, friends, enemies- they all seem to become one.

Trust, hard to be given, easy to be broken.

Eyes open. I could see it now. They say family would always be there, well they are but not where they need to be. Friends might end up backstabbing you, they might secretly hate you. Am I paranoid? I lost that genuine smile I once had. I lost that glow in my face. My spirit, I've lost.

I'd rather live this way for now. Let the truth hit me. Try their best to break me, pull me down. I'll get back up again till it's over. There is no need to rush now, I understand that. Everyone's chasing something but what? I'll find what I need to and when I get there, that is when it's enough for me. That is when I'll finally leave.

yours truly, riri.