a week, almost.

And this time I want to remember.

Wednesday
25 May 2016

Last night's confusion left me anxious and drained, it was difficult to sleep despite the exhaustion and when I did- waking up, I couldn't continue. I kept seeing horrifying things, I got too afraid to let myself sleep. Sick of the sudden and constant perturbance, I stayed awake. Restless waiting for nick, I kept checking the time and the door trying to stay calm. 9:57 a.m, "I'll be there by 10". He drove here, god he's so excited for his car still, I'm so happy for him.

Suddenly it was all blank and calm, I didn't even realised or noticed when I fell asleep till I opened my eyes to Nick beside me about an hour or two later. Talking to my mum I wonder how he's even here. We both said hi coincidentally at the same time and let out a laugh over it. With work later on, and leftover fatigue from accompanying me yesterday, I felt sorry for him. What a life to be encountering me in his. I haven't had the appetite, I wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for my brother and him. "Jap lagi you eat with me tau." "Okay.." "Eat with me, janji" I nodded. 

I like Nick, he's such a good distraction. "Lets look at it like this babe, it wasn't a misscall but wrong number"- There's this thing about Nick where he sometimes reminds me of a person I knew. In a lot of ways really, but then again it's never the same. His replies sound like he doesn't get it to me, like my dad's, it irritates me but Nick is different. If I put enough thought to it, he only just wants me to be strong and get better. That's Nick for you, he can never be yours but he'll make you own you.

"You know what, karang I'm going to tell She to put us in the same shift."

Tuesday
24 May 2016

Less than an hour of sleep and more hours of staying awake to keep me present. Cancelled our plans for KL, too tired for shit but I still couldn't be left alone. Nick needed to go back within a couple of hours, he's finally getting his car today. I was too scared to let go or fall asleep. He's been telling me I needed rest and convincing me how it will get better with sleep. His eyes almost dead, this isn't supposed to happen. "I'll sleep kat hostel nanti" didn't make it any better. I was relieved the moment he finally decided to go with me. Then, it was better- until I woke up. I couldn't take being left home, I suffocated, got frustrated at the thought of being alone. 

I couldn't stay still, my head empty but I'm losing composure. "Nick are you free today? Ikut I jom" "Pergi mana?" "IOI" "Are you going to watch a movie? Sebab I serious penat gila." "No, I don't think so, just jalan." I can't understand it myself how hard yet easy it is to just talk to Nick, or how safe it feels to have him around. Calm and at home, I sometimes wish his hands weren't to let go off. Nick could be hurtful intentionally or I could just be overly sensitive with him, but he keeps me at bay. Even so, he gets me laughing. He makes me forget. Until it's time to go.

I noticed people staring over me crying. "You've to stay strong for you. Forget everything else at the moment, we just have to get through. Trust me, I promise you I'm going to find a way." My mum also mentioned my grandma dreaming of Nick, "Jodoh ma, lepas ni Nick jadi muslim pula."

Isn't that something to laugh about.

Monday
23 May 2016

I wasn't feeling like myself, I was floating on air despite my feet glued to the ground. Head in this world, don't go there I thought, not knowing where "there" is to begin with. I almost cut myself, fell in the toilet and couldn't remember what I was just doing, said or when was it that I got to where I was. I wanted to go home, I was on the verge of crying, I couldn't understand what was happening. Looking into the mirror every chance I got, checking if my eyes were red though I was sure it wouldn't be but the doubt was starting to creep into me. Check the time, counting my hours, I was petrified.

Walking towards the car I saw from the corner of my eye what seemed so familiar, a lengthy body and that familiar way of standing- "Ririii", it took a few seconds to digest the fact that it was Nick. I was so overwhelmed and ecstatic I went straight to him for a hug, boggled of how he came, why or when to find out that my brother had picked him up from uni just to see me, concerned. Broke down bloody scared on the way back, it was so sudden and without warning, I held Nick's hand as if something was going to pull me away. They both consoled me, calmed me, was there basically. It's odd, to be where I was and felt what I felt. It seems surreal to me, to have someone there in such a state.

IOI to BJ to Putra Heights and back home again, I've never really went out this way but it feels calmer than going back. Every place further away feels better when you're with the right person. I think they're starting to understand it better now, or at least trust my brother with me. It's not like we do shit, sometimes it's just all that I need. I'm starting to feel the suffocation once again, I want out but it's crazy really how at the same time it's wrong to. Well, I've never been right.

From Mcd to BJ's 7e, despite my wandering mind I had my feet firm on the ground with my brother , Yusman and Nick around. I still space out from time to time when left by myself. Then again there was Nick with me, being a doofus, at times a dingus, being a pain in the ass and cares at the same time. Here's the thing about Nick: no matter how much you think he can't, he will always, in a way or another without even trying so hard, get your attention.

Or perhaps it's just me.

Sunday
22 May 2016

All I could remember was Nick telling me how I told him last night that it would be nice if we got married before we rushed down the escalator, called my brother out, ran to the car and headed to Sri Hartamas. Sometimes things happen so fast and unexpected. We waited in the car, talked, laughed, the usuals. There's something about these past nights that's a bit odd. I don't exactly feel like myself. For some reason either blunt or a bit too open. Either from the lack of rest, my tired eyes or starving stomach, all I know is it comes past midnight.

Talked about the past, love, relationship, family, friends, work, future plans or some random shit that crosses our minds. With everybody else, the lump in my throat stays or barely ever clears when I need it too but it somehow finds a way to with him. When it comes to people other than family, I know that they must legit mean something to me to be able to say things that could actually offend me. It's a sign that I actually give a shit of how they see me or what they like and dislike. For some inexplicable reason he's able to do so. God, the amount of times he pissed me off and had me laughing is ridiculous. How can someone so cold/distant get this close and sensitive or clingy again?

With all that was going on, thoughts started to overwhelm me; the angst of all that I have now slipping through my fingers, knowing that in time it would. Soon things are going to change and later on this will all fade into a distant memory. Would I let go this time? A few minutes of flashbacks from when I was sick, they met me while I'm better or at least seemed to be. Of course they're still here; I'm not yet as insane, desolated to the point of keeping myself in a state of segregation. I would miss this when I am, I'm going to miss this before it even ends.

So we went to my Maklong's, had milo and bahulu, calls each other kafir, sent my brother's friends back, started talking crap, lost touch with reality, had my head in the clouds (I was starting to become a bit bizarre by this point), I didn't really think straight, I said things I couldn't take back, I just remember wishing some nights never had to end, because for some reason I feel at peace and calmer to have him near. 

"Nick, all the things I said or asked you yesterday that you agreed on, did you mean what you said or did you just agreed because I was high?"

Saturday
21 May 2016

Smoke filled the car, I went out a bit unstable. Walk to the cashier Nas knew what was going on, I held a bit too long. "Apa ni?" I dismissed it by laughing and we went to the back and talked. I was out of my head. It took Nick awhile to realise what was going on. I remember sitting on the fitting room floor laughing my ass off about something. I remember him saying things I can't even recall. I was surprisingly silent most of the time there. 

In the car I couldn't shut up. Too close, too touchy, I said things I might have meant or shouldn't. I said things that would make me sad in the future, ask things with disheartening answers. Tho I felt safe and comfortable, with him there's always these moments. 

We were home by 6.

never ending distance.

And I still want to tell you things.
If you ever bothered to listen.

-riri-

too bad.

Sitting at myNEWS, him the next table.

Opposite my direction, I catch him stealing glances.

Out or away, I look back to him staring.

Something about the way he smiles or perhaps the look in his eyes that gets me grinning.

And then I remembered my last, of how it all came to be and went.

A reminder of how this wouldn't last so every time, to each guy,

I take a step back avoiding getting my feet wet.

I can't seem to forget all that I've made and had,

or how it felt when it went.

Oh what a shame to be this scared.

-riri-

so suck it.

I think I mentioned losing more this year and I have. I don't really have the time to run, chase, talk, or bother, over something so trivial, so egoistic, so petty and full of irrational emotions. I think I've enough of that. If people can't seem to see it now just because it's no longer there, then I guess they've never even noticed before. If you couldn't tell at all, why should I be the one to fix what you lead us to becoming? If I were important, I wouldn't still have to be the one trying or ironically be the one that doesn't, just to find out if there was ever a meaning at all-

Truthfully there isn't much.

I could still be waiting and still,

no one ever comes around knocking.

Know that I don't.

That these days I move along.

-riri-

saturday 14/5.

I laughed to the point where it hurts, his eyes now sparkle. Sure it had hit us, finding songs to listen to, up above yet wishing we were in bed sleeping these few hours away. My hands got cold, the rest was a blur. Our forehead's touching, Zayn is playing- I would've but I didn't. I could've but it would be wrong, so I let it go. This is nothing but confusion or some sort of lonely treatment. We're nowhere near that no matter how comfortable. Things are just different and I am not that person.

I still find it hard to trust anyone and open my arms to their presence like it's official, as if I believe it would last or longer than the last, the least. I'm alright with where I am, we've got plans and I've been living like every day's going to last without wasting any time getting sunk down by the past, knowing it so well that nothing's going to last with me. Before it ends, before everybody goes once again, I'll hold on to whatever I have left. I've never had much but enough. Soon barely anything at all but I've been here before, bound to at one point.

Funny, how I still talk about him, high.

I think about it sometimes.

-riri-

you should've left.

I still have my moments
Longing a presence
Preferring the absence.

Even unaware, I spoke of you
About you, I kept repeating
To the point where I forgot.

Till the next where I remembered
I remember everything
Wishing I never had.

If only I could have just,

let this last to forget again.

-riri-

as you wish.

In this mess, there was him.
What once was my everything.

I haven't thought about him the way I once did, like I said I would, that I wouldn't want to, so I haven't at all in that way for awhile now. Until just now. Something about today that was off. The 11th. Perhaps it was something in me or maybe it was the weather, I wouldn't know. I jump from one mood to another, often exchanging. Still there's only ever two: the one where I smile for no reason, giggling or laughing spreading positivity and one where I go quiet, almost vanishing into the nothingness. I came across a video, some notes/posts that rings us and the past we shared, all that we once had.

"He left me", and so whatever I did a few months or weeks before, would make no difference. It made none. I would tell myself to let it go and move on knowing that I would and could if I want. I've done this before way too many times and it gets better after each of those times. I don't tell myself anything anymore, I let it be, believing it'll leave him dandy. There are moments where I wonder if he isn't, I never cared any less I just no longer bother. I'm not one to chase, yet he was the first I ever did. It reached a point where it didn't seem worth it even if I never really believe that it isn't. Then again, I strongly believe that if someone wants to be with you, they would.

And after all the conversations left hanging and the promises to talk to me again, I'm convinced that he doesn't. Even if there was ever a part of me that believed the contrary, I could never be able to make myself believe so. I don't allow myself to have my hopes up too high, not even slightly. After the things I've gone through and the amount of people I've let in to see go, I only let myself believe what is real. I disregard feelings, I've even believed that in some way everyone who still stays are lying to themselves into believing that they want to and everybody new doesn't know what they want with me thinking that I am it. I shoved them away not wanting to risk anything.

I thought about it; it has been awhile. Funny. That it's not. I would've done anything. I might still do. I look back thinking that 2 and a half years went down the drain and each time people asked once they know, all I could say is that I've no clue. It was never me. Finally found someone you love and would always choose to but you weren't the one for him. I only followed by after trying too much. Truthfully I never did got tired, still I couldn't say the same towards the ache of it. It's hard to phrase when you've lost it all and difficult to admit to missing the things and people who found it easier to let you go, when after awhile you most likely learn not to.

It had me thinking and believing that maybe this will always be how it is with me, that no matter what or who, no one will ever stay with me and I in a way or two no longer want anyone to if I'd like to be fair, knowing they wouldn't want me at my worst and that perhaps, everybody deserves better so I'll let them have it. Guess you're either too young or too late while I'm just wrong all over the place. We said forever and always. I once believed that forever. I once believed this would be different and I for once, surprisingly, believed in him.

I've always wanted to be there, now for him to be happy. All I've ever wanted was for him to be genuinely happy. Never alone, never lonely, this time, just happy. Forget our plans. Hoping letting go was the best decision he made for himself, and that he's happier now. I could still love him if I didn't believe someone else would look better by his side, hoping he finds his "best". Because he was mine and I thought that was fine.

-riri-

welcoming hell(o heaven).

It never lasts long, they leave, it doesn't.
Always creeping back in so suddenly.
I'm never really ready.

One thing leads to the other, one thought to one destruction. After what happened this morning, I got it figured out. Perhaps I already have, just this particular morning, I was sure of it. Subconsciously I am afraid of going back to how I was, to go through everything all over again the way I had over the past years. I can't remember how it was before it started. It feels like another life to me, like another universe I've never lived in. Yet I have. My memory is fading and distorting but each time it hits me, the ache's no different from the first time. I don't believe I'll ever be able to forget how everything feels like but I sure as hell can live most days as if it never happened. I don't wonder about the past the way I did 4 years back. So I'll be safe until the next time it slaps me across my face when I'm off guard. When I allow it to. Some nights, some moments, I still do.

It's rather perturbing how people around me act about it, it boggles my mind how it seems as if whatever was, never occurred. Or is it just me? Some days I feel like it never existed, as if I was never real. There are moments where I start believing it's all in my head, that I made it all up. Then again, I have photos, notes, and these posts as a reminder. I can't fathom how innocent everybody looks and acts, I can't comprehend how it is possible to not realise that their actions at some point has turned me into the person I am today and that they could go on with my state of mind this way, as if it was always on me. They might have forgotten. They might have not known. And I often push the thought aside, sure of how it was indeed, my fault. Forgive me for not being able to do the things I should, knowing I'd be on my own the most the way I was. You don't get it, that I have to stay sane. Silent at the beginning, later on violent, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't shut down. I couldn't stop myself. 

These days I can't even ki- does it even matter when the stronger you get the weaker you feel? Better, but it has never yet went away even with time the way they all say that it would, and your mind has the thoughts that once killed, running in circles in your head waiting for the perfect timing to do what it does best; you know what it is too well. I told myself not this year, this year's mine. This year is mine knowing it could be my last anytime. Living in the moment, getting through, learning, experiencing, loving and cherishing whatever I have before it becomes what I had. Nothing ever lasts, sometimes nobody wants it to. So before I let it all go again, let me collect the pieces of what is, was recently and could be soon. Because I too shall live pass it all, going through everyday as it is because yesterdays stopped having any meaning to me since the last time things broke me. Still it would always be there. I suppose.

I might not have it all planned out but I've got things to do, nobody understands anymore not that they ever did. I'm pushing myself to work harder, I'm lacking rest but whatever it is to take me away from whatever's holding onto my ankle desperately trying to drag me back down. Even when I wasn't, I learned that I always am alone. It has and would always be me, myself and I until one day, if I'm lucky enough to encounter one that actually stays. Screw empathy, everyone's calling me only when they're in need of something, assuming all is fine. I get nauseous over the sarcastic/pseudo "I guess/hope you're okay. I'm happy for you" bullshit. It's not like I can't see through the lines and hear all the lies. Sometimes people act like I don't know them. Funny how they haven't figured me out despite the time or years we've known or every moment I do open up. Doesn't anyone listen anymore?

What is it with the wreck, fragile and broken to always be wanting to fix things and save others knowing once they do, they'll be cut off and replaced by someone better to the ones they saved. People are oblivious and ignorant to the ones who never left, who have seen it all and chose to be by their side. These new people, they know you now, now that you're better, but those before them, the ones you let go of, we saw who you are as you, before you could even figure out what you're all about. Then again some things can never change, the way I have always stayed. The way I have always wanted nothing but to save despite me drowning. I learned from the best- the one who gets left and now, actually has left. They'll love you more when you're dead. Perhaps then they'll listen. But at the time being, you're the only one that does.

-riri-

labour day, the weekends.

01 May 16
Guess I'll be seeing him a lot this year.

I swear I sometimes forget our age gap. I don't feel my age, him the same. Together it almost never crosses our minds despite him talking about uni and classes. We went out at about 2am sitting at our usual place, trance by colours from a top of the building next to us. We moved to the other side sharing Wondermilk cupcakes talking about food again and that Krip Krip we never knew existed until tonight. I never knew how good massimo's duetto and mighty white's strawberry cream roll was too. We've been munching on bread, mentos and whatever we had and still, still we wanted more. "Ri, today kita keluar nak. Makan." "JOOM!!" I get excited each time. It's become our thing now whenever we're closing together. We spend hours - latest to 5 in the morning despite work the next day.

We somehow ended up talking about being married and finding (spending most of our days) time to hang out and have "fun" together pissing our spouses off. Like fuck all this shit, we were talking shit all fucked up we got so loud I swore the guards switched the lights on. "Ala relaxlah kita becerita je bukannya buat apa". Ah this time he drived, it was the first time for me. Him next to me I hi-ed him the way I do. I honestly love these sort of nights, our nights. We cracked up with my brother, funny how they could get along. Now even he says we're waiting for our brother when asked. "Um abang, memang abang aku." "Babe memang abang you pun okay. Wait you're older" and we'd just laugh at it.

We've already made plans for our next pay; tickets, hotel rooms, food, shopping, stuff. 2 more months left before it comes. Soon cafes, Ikea, memories and me living in what we have before it passes by as well. Here's to our impatient selves that bites and chews ice cream instead of licking it gone. Murukus and lemangss, here's to my current whatever-the-fuck and the bloody dead cicak on the ice cream I was craving for.

-riri-