welcoming hell(o heaven).

It never lasts long, they leave, it doesn't.
Always creeping back in so suddenly.
I'm never really ready.

One thing leads to the other, one thought to one destruction. After what happened this morning, I got it figured out. Perhaps I already have, just this particular morning, I was sure of it. Subconsciously I am afraid of going back to how I was, to go through everything all over again the way I had over the past years. I can't remember how it was before it started. It feels like another life to me, like another universe I've never lived in. Yet I have. My memory is fading and distorting but each time it hits me, the ache's no different from the first time. I don't believe I'll ever be able to forget how everything feels like but I sure as hell can live most days as if it never happened. I don't wonder about the past the way I did 4 years back. So I'll be safe until the next time it slaps me across my face when I'm off guard. When I allow it to. Some nights, some moments, I still do.

It's rather perturbing how people around me act about it, it boggles my mind how it seems as if whatever was, never occurred. Or is it just me? Some days I feel like it never existed, as if I was never real. There are moments where I start believing it's all in my head, that I made it all up. Then again, I have photos, notes, and these posts as a reminder. I can't fathom how innocent everybody looks and acts, I can't comprehend how it is possible to not realise that their actions at some point has turned me into the person I am today and that they could go on with my state of mind this way, as if it was always on me. They might have forgotten. They might have not known. And I often push the thought aside, sure of how it was indeed, my fault. Forgive me for not being able to do the things I should, knowing I'd be on my own the most the way I was. You don't get it, that I have to stay sane. Silent at the beginning, later on violent, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't shut down. I couldn't stop myself. 

These days I can't even ki- does it even matter when the stronger you get the weaker you feel? Better, but it has never yet went away even with time the way they all say that it would, and your mind has the thoughts that once killed, running in circles in your head waiting for the perfect timing to do what it does best; you know what it is too well. I told myself not this year, this year's mine. This year is mine knowing it could be my last anytime. Living in the moment, getting through, learning, experiencing, loving and cherishing whatever I have before it becomes what I had. Nothing ever lasts, sometimes nobody wants it to. So before I let it all go again, let me collect the pieces of what is, was recently and could be soon. Because I too shall live pass it all, going through everyday as it is because yesterdays stopped having any meaning to me since the last time things broke me. Still it would always be there. I suppose.

I might not have it all planned out but I've got things to do, nobody understands anymore not that they ever did. I'm pushing myself to work harder, I'm lacking rest but whatever it is to take me away from whatever's holding onto my ankle desperately trying to drag me back down. Even when I wasn't, I learned that I always am alone. It has and would always be me, myself and I until one day, if I'm lucky enough to encounter one that actually stays. Screw empathy, everyone's calling me only when they're in need of something, assuming all is fine. I get nauseous over the sarcastic/pseudo "I guess/hope you're okay. I'm happy for you" bullshit. It's not like I can't see through the lines and hear all the lies. Sometimes people act like I don't know them. Funny how they haven't figured me out despite the time or years we've known or every moment I do open up. Doesn't anyone listen anymore?

What is it with the wreck, fragile and broken to always be wanting to fix things and save others knowing once they do, they'll be cut off and replaced by someone better to the ones they saved. People are oblivious and ignorant to the ones who never left, who have seen it all and chose to be by their side. These new people, they know you now, now that you're better, but those before them, the ones you let go of, we saw who you are as you, before you could even figure out what you're all about. Then again some things can never change, the way I have always stayed. The way I have always wanted nothing but to save despite me drowning. I learned from the best- the one who gets left and now, actually has left. They'll love you more when you're dead. Perhaps then they'll listen. But at the time being, you're the only one that does.

-riri-