as you wish.

In this mess, there was him.
What once was my everything.

I haven't thought about him the way I once did, like I said I would, that I wouldn't want to, so I haven't at all in that way for awhile now. Until just now. Something about today that was off. The 11th. Perhaps it was something in me or maybe it was the weather, I wouldn't know. I jump from one mood to another, often exchanging. Still there's only ever two: the one where I smile for no reason, giggling or laughing spreading positivity and one where I go quiet, almost vanishing into the nothingness. I came across a video, some notes/posts that rings us and the past we shared, all that we once had.

"He left me", and so whatever I did a few months or weeks before, would make no difference. It made none. I would tell myself to let it go and move on knowing that I would and could if I want. I've done this before way too many times and it gets better after each of those times. I don't tell myself anything anymore, I let it be, believing it'll leave him dandy. There are moments where I wonder if he isn't, I never cared any less I just no longer bother. I'm not one to chase, yet he was the first I ever did. It reached a point where it didn't seem worth it even if I never really believe that it isn't. Then again, I strongly believe that if someone wants to be with you, they would.

And after all the conversations left hanging and the promises to talk to me again, I'm convinced that he doesn't. Even if there was ever a part of me that believed the contrary, I could never be able to make myself believe so. I don't allow myself to have my hopes up too high, not even slightly. After the things I've gone through and the amount of people I've let in to see go, I only let myself believe what is real. I disregard feelings, I've even believed that in some way everyone who still stays are lying to themselves into believing that they want to and everybody new doesn't know what they want with me thinking that I am it. I shoved them away not wanting to risk anything.

I thought about it; it has been awhile. Funny. That it's not. I would've done anything. I might still do. I look back thinking that 2 and a half years went down the drain and each time people asked once they know, all I could say is that I've no clue. It was never me. Finally found someone you love and would always choose to but you weren't the one for him. I only followed by after trying too much. Truthfully I never did got tired, still I couldn't say the same towards the ache of it. It's hard to phrase when you've lost it all and difficult to admit to missing the things and people who found it easier to let you go, when after awhile you most likely learn not to.

It had me thinking and believing that maybe this will always be how it is with me, that no matter what or who, no one will ever stay with me and I in a way or two no longer want anyone to if I'd like to be fair, knowing they wouldn't want me at my worst and that perhaps, everybody deserves better so I'll let them have it. Guess you're either too young or too late while I'm just wrong all over the place. We said forever and always. I once believed that forever. I once believed this would be different and I for once, surprisingly, believed in him.

I've always wanted to be there, now for him to be happy. All I've ever wanted was for him to be genuinely happy. Never alone, never lonely, this time, just happy. Forget our plans. Hoping letting go was the best decision he made for himself, and that he's happier now. I could still love him if I didn't believe someone else would look better by his side, hoping he finds his "best". Because he was mine and I thought that was fine.

-riri-