look at me now.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

new girl.

She gets jealous but not as much as I would.
She has a life of her own, she doesn't cling on to you.
She gets hurt but she'll keep it to herself the way I didn't.
She'll make friends with yours because the world is tiny but with me it's suffocating.
She'll be able to joke around with your guy friends the way I couldn't.
You can take her anywhere you wish, she's a social butterfly.
She doesn't get anxious or insecure, so confident with the kind of curves I never owned.
Never touched a cigarette, always stays in school, she goes by the rules.

Her head's always up, her life together; books, plans, the kind of future I don't think I'll have.
She doesn't worry you, harm herself, cause a fight, stay up all night.
Your mum's going to love her, she'll glow from the kind of aura I lack.
She'll laugh at your jokes and get your stomach churning from hers.
She wouldn't blow up your phone each time you ignore her.
Or ever gets desperate enough to go to one of your friends just to ask about you.
She's not going to cry all the time or keep you up at night.
She's more sane than I'll ever be. She doesn't get sad at the most inconvenient sudden timing over petty sometimes irrelevant things or wants you to stay and understand when she does.

She doesn't have to ask you for anything, you'll do it willingly.
God, you'll adore her as though she's the most magical being you've ever laid eyes on,
in such a way that everything falls right into place the moment she became yours.
Days rather void without her presence. The moon doesn't shine without her goodnight.
You wake up with her on your mind, go through your days missing her all the time.
With her you'll never feel even a pinch of guilt, her ways won't annoy you,
your heart it blooms at every sight of her every single time.

She'll be the one. The one you'll never let go of.
The one who understands and loves you more.
This girl you don't find being flawless or perfect,
you don't believe she's all that you ever wanted,
because you know she is. She's everything.

I hope she enjoys your stories as much as I do and go gaga over all your selfies.
I hope she stays true to only you because that's all I would ever do.
I hope you find her when things get rough because she's the only one you trust.
I hope she knows exactly what to do when things don't go the way it's been planned,
that she'll never leave you for a so-called better man.
I hope she makes you happy. Happier than I'll ever be able to.

Because I still love you.


Tuesday, 27 October 2015

5 o'clock in the morning.

Still awake, I heard movements outside my bedroom door. Thinking it was someone else till I heard a cough. Without any hesitation that alone made me rush to open the door. Kesian abang, demam. It's still too early to wake up, let alone walk all the way upstairs in his condition. His temperature blazing. Went down to accompany and help him a bit to pack up for tomorrow. I feel useful for a moment. One of the reasons I don't mind staying up or not being able to sleep in this case. Yknow, in case anybody needs me. Even if they don't exactly do, at least I'm there. It's nice to be there.

Writing this I suddenly feel so alone. It's that kind of sadness again, the one where you don't sleep yet despise having to wake up isn't it? It hits you in the day and at 3am. I thought I wouldn't come to this again. Plans plans plans nothing more. Dad says smile more, it's the only daughter he knows. It's getting fearful, for every moment he realises I'm slowly slipping away doesn't it? Timing never stays on my side.

I have two shirts on, one being the warmest sweatshirt I've own,
Yet I'm still bloody cold.


Monday, 26 October 2015

"Jangan tinggalkan I"
"I tak tinggalkan you"
"Jangan tinggalkan I. Please"
"Tak I tak tinggalkan you"


Ask me if I'm okay the way you used to. Tell me that you care because you do. Hold me close at night knowing what I'll do. Tuck me in tonight so I could sleep by your side. Let me drown in the things we used to be, let me live a little for once. The sun shines the moon glistens, we've never been more happier than this.

Or maybe it was just me.
Being the happiest I've ever been.


no longer ri.

Guess no one's ever there anymore. Not in favour of anyone to be, just thought at least someone would understand. Aware of how everything else or anything at all is by far more important than the voices in my head. I don't hide as much as I used to here, but the more I don't, the more I do with everyone else. It's so beautiful isn't it, how the universe works, but better without me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, my mind tends to disagree. I digest what I see, I've gotten irrational and anxious, insecure and paranoid. Often on the verge of breaking down, I wonder how I build up the strength to still stand this strong, for this long. I loathe the thought of being weak and in despair. I am more than this, to me. I am capable of being on my own I've done this before. I am able to wake up everyday swallow everything whole just to get through. I have blocked it all out.

But god it is so hard to be stuck in between getting my life together and completely relapsing. It has been months and whatever people see that makes it look better, isn't. I'm covered by masks over masks, whatever I throw out is replaced by something new, something old, something of both or none at all. I have lost sight of myself and nothing functions the way it used to. There is this chaotic explosion that goes on and off and on and off in my head deteriorating my logical mind. I suffocate over my own presence feeling as if someone has clipped my nose and shut my mouth with socks to my throat stuck in my lungs, forgetting my capability to breathe, I can't cry, my hands they tingle from the urge to punch something, claw someone, flip a table, hit myself, I scream and shout, outside I stay silent. I chug in everything.

I'm more than enlighten of how my condition is mind boggling to some turning them to a dead end as it gets difficult and worrying each day. I can't tell you what it is or how it came to be. I can't explain too far back and whatever that's new won't make much sense to anyone of you. Everyday I go through the same bloody pathetic irritating battle with myself and everyone thinks it's okay because I don't drag anyone into this the way they assume I do. I try so hard and as futile as it looks, I try every day I decide to push myself together to even wake up to wash my face the least and eat so no one would have to care much, that as perturbed as how I have been living my life makes them feel, they are unaware of almost 99% of what I have to go through.

I can't enjoy life nor have I given myself the chance to recover from anything, to just sleep it all away and mourn to better days. My head aches from the feelings and thoughts and emotions I despise feeling. My throat burns from every word and tear I couldn't let out. You don't understand how it's like to force yourself to live each day on the days you'd rather be dead. I dread letting anyone in too deep to know too much and get attached to the point it would break their hearts to know because it devastates me to be the reason. I get my words wrong. My thoughts, how I act, they're all wrong. The sudden urge to jump in front of fast traffic or harm myself in any way is wrong. I am wrong and wrong and wrong and all of my confidence has shrink into the size of the love I have for myself that as much as I want to pick myself up I am unable. I no longer think I'd want to.

People think I throw my whole life away for the fun of it. Thinking I don't care, that I have it easy. I'm ungrateful. I'm lazy. I could do it if I really want to. They push and they shove, they talk about all the things they know nothing of and walk out the door once it seems enough. Because I'm no longer good enough. I never planned to be the person I am today with the state of mind I am in. Always felt like I never belonged but never was rotten from the start. I don't enjoy the look of disappointment in my dad's face and how it changes with worries over worries and the thought of money people have wasted on me. I don't find it funny at all to purposely act and do all the things I've done that has gotten me here merely to spite anyone. These thoughts, these everything. The sudden urge to throw myself out the window, the sudden spirit to get myself back up and live healthily to suddenly feeling the need to burn my lungs the next couple of minutes. You don't get to choose.

More alone these past few days, weeks and months like everyone's slipping away. Everyone's leaving and I'm left behind. No one's ever there anymore or really wants to be. I feel left out and forgotten, not that it matters. Not that I want anyone to remember. I'm exhausted from constantly choosing to go on. I just want to go. I've done this before.


Sunday, 25 October 2015

hear me once.

I feel like he doesn't listen when I tell him that I love him. As if he doesn't feel what I feel when I do. As if I don't know what love is or the kind I'm talking about, the one I feel so strongly of for him. Feeling like it's swept under the carpet the moment it's said. I love you, he replies back although some days I can no longer feel it or see it in the way he treats me or the things he says and how he says it. Like it is said because I've said it instead of because he meant it. That petrifies me, thinking one day it would no longer be there. Everything crumbled the day he said he loves me less. Less is the start of none and the end of more. I never wanted to let go.

I find it the hardest to be with someone who is unsure of you or where they should put you in their life. That as much as you want to hold on, you know in some ways they've already let go, you're grasping onto nothing and they say nothing ever lasts. I dread this nothing would. Should have known and gone the day I saw not even a spark in his eyes as mine still glistens looking into his. But I wanted to believe he still loved me more, so badly, I never stopped trying. Or believing.


singgah selalu.

"I kan ada"
"I sentiasa ada dengan you"
"You ada I"
"I ada je dengan you"

Tapi you dah takda.


Saturday, 24 October 2015

salah sendiri.

Sejujurnya, saya penat. Saya mahu tidur sehingga segala-galanya lesap ke galaksi lain nun jauh sana. Saya mahu tidur selama lamanya jikalau boleh, lupakan sahaja apa yang ada siapa yang pergi, tinggalkan semuanya kasi mati. Saya mahu pergi jauh jauh, sejauh mana orang tidak dapat mencari, di situlah saya hendak pergi. Saya mahu pulang. Saya mahu pergi. Saya mahu masa terhenti bagi memberitahu saya sama ada jauh lagi perjalanan ini kerana saya sudah mahu berhenti. Hanya buat seketika saya mahu rehat. Sebelum, akhirnya saya pilih untuk pergi.

Maafkan saya semua.
Saya tidak mampu bertabah lagi.


Wednesday, 21 October 2015

2 years 4 months 23 days.

"I suka berangan pasal kita" reassured me every time it was said.
I couldn't read anything else without wondering how it could end this way again.
"8 months down, forever to go."

Go back to the day he asked if I didn't trust him and I stayed silent. Thing is I did, I always have regardless of the amount of times it would disappoint. I didn't trust me I said. I had teared up trying to explain as he held me close and said he loves me. I just thought I didn't want to do it, so I wouldn't ruin it. I wouldn't ruin him. It wasn't him, it's me I'm afraid of. God knows how much I love him. Go back to when I was able to make him happy. It's amazing isn't it how special you can feel by how someone longs your presence. Everything anyone ever said of him I ignored, I took in the good, I have the best. Every promise I made was reflected on before it was said. Every word I've ever said I meant.

I'm not exactly mad at him in any way. Like the haze, with me he can't quite see ahead. Or that even with his goals set, I have him anchored down to where he doesn't want to be because either he doesn't want to leave or somehow I won't let him. Clingy and obsessed, sometimes a bit psycho but I wouldn't put a limit to anyone's dream. Do what you do go do you, just remember what's important to you, what really matters at the end of the day, who's waiting at the back of the door. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't try discourage him. I know who and what's first in priority lane. I understand the responsibilities, I just thought I'd be a part of it. All the way through. I don't ask for every second of the day even if I've mentioned it. I'd be happy people even remember. After all that we've been through and I got through for us, for him, I hate to think he grew out of me. 

Maybe 4 years from now, I'd still be the one for him. Or he'd come around earlier. I'm starting to think as much as it were true, it became a lie at one point. You know when you love someone too much but is unable to do anything about it, it leaves you distress enough that you lay in bed all day, lose sleep each night, thinking about it takes away your appetite. I don't do that anymore, I've come to reach that phase where I feel nothing again. There was once a time where he thought I didn't care anymore or that I changed. I never did, it was him. I don't blame him though. Things happen. I never cared less about him, I just want to keep him happy. I don't expect for any drastic changes coming from him still, I'm fully aware of where I stand.

Still I love him with every piece of myself that I have left whether or not he is flawed or wronged. That I am still in love with him the way I was, how I always have been. That it's okay if he isn't.

We promised- but who knows, maybe one day? I'm kind of tired of talking about him, knowing my name no longer slides out of his mouth ever since the last time he saw me. I'm exhausted from thinking about him, the way I used to; making sense of the situation without putting any blame on him or too much on myself. Convincing myself it's just the circumstances we're in that it isn't what it looks like. Thing is, I wouldn't know if it's exactly how it looks like. If everything is as it is. That there's no hidden message no signs, that everything's burned down.

I stop thinking of the kind of person he needs or the kind of person I know I could be for him. I'm not going to plead or make a fool out of myself trying as if my anxieties aren't real. I'm not going to imagine him coming back for me. I'm sort of done with that. As if he doesn't already know how I feel about him or how much we mean to me. That he has always known where to find me so he could always find me. It's not like he doesn't know he's the only one I've got left and wish to still have. You have no idea how much pride it takes to swallow to be so desperate. Whatever he wants in life he would go through hell to get, though I've come to terms that I'm just the journey, not the destination. It's alright. I guess.

I harap you okay, in every way.
I sayang you.


all's changed.

I'd think no one's going to be the way he was with me and that I'm never going to be with them, the way I was with him. As apprehensive as I get, I've always felt the sort of calmness and safety in his embrace I've never felt with anyone else. Some moments fall awkward, with the silence of all the words I have stuck like a lump in my throat but I've got a feeling that's how it's always been with everyone I've ever got together with. It's the hardest to tell the truth, or to talk about what I feel to the people that means most to me. It gets people thinking I don't trust them enough or they aren't right for me. But I've told him everything when I'm not talking. I left out nothing, not even the darkest secret or stories I'd never mentioned to anyone else no matter how close. I try put the words in my head out for him so maybe he'd hear me better, but it never goes the way I plan it to. I know.

I can't tell how he's been or if he thinks about me as constantly as I do when it comes to him. I wouldn't know if thoughts of me and the stupid things I do crosses his mind sometimes it leaves him with the urge to talk to me. I wouldn't be able to tell if he's building something with someone new or if he's completely gotten over me. He's always been good at keeping it all bottled up. I wouldn't know if he ever told anyone about it. I've always wish I was the one he'd tell all his worries to. I don't always react the way he wants me to but I pay attention. There's a million reasons I assume or make up in my head of why he had to go. Bad, good, funny, unknown, contradictory in some ways, depends.

I'm no longer 16 too. I get it, things so intense now, so serious somehow. I don't know if he checks up on me or if he worries, I just know he's not one to ask around about me. I can't quite figure out what makes him think distancing himself would make things any better for me, as if I was never alone before he came. He wants me to find myself again as he builds up his character, reach his goals and we'll meet again halfway as the same old couple once so in love, but different, I'll make myself think. Things might finally fall the way he has always thought it would. That he's finally staying. Although I never wanted it that way. I've always stayed to stay, from the bottom to the end not go back to before it all began. Hoping to be with him on the days where it gets difficult, when he thinks he's no use of being here, that things aren't working out for him, when it seems impossible for him to stand back up from every of his fall.

I don't think about it, what he takes me as or how he sees me through his eyes this time. I don't think of how wrong it is that he went away or the promises and everything else that's left unfinished, cracked, broken, behind. I don't blame him or myself the way I did. I have no answers for the things happening. I'm lost for even thoughts. My mind's never not in an argument with the facts I gather. Nothing makes sense because everything eventually does. It's all a blur. I lose sleep but I no longer cry the way I did, I don't overthink things. All so he wouldn't feel the guilt. Everytime I'm about to, I think of how he'd feel, putting myself in his shoes. Sometimes I get it, although unsure.

I'm not mad or sad about it, rather heartbroken in the most delicate way there is to be. The quiet kind, similar to meeting someone who once filled up your day, in a mall or on the street, smiling at them as they look away the second they lay their eyes on you. Empty, nothing, yet it gets you grinning to yourself thinking about how nice that was to get to see him again. He looks great, he's fine, you're happy for him, you hope he's alright. Later you think of every incredible moment you shared or had and think "yeah". He never calls or says hi and you don't anymore too, this time feeling like you're genuinely a fly, buzzing around his head, what an annoyance you are. So you fly away thinking of how he'd only talk to you if you make the first move but you can't so you don't.

Trying to find the words for this but I'm leaving things blank. This writing feels fragmentary. I don't have much to say. It's all nothing now. I'm sorry you had to go. Maybe one day you'd ask about me or call, see me again over your own will or think of me as home. Who knows I'd mean enough to you for you to stay or you'll remember me the way I never forgot you. I've always believed we'll get through, I would want to. Though at the time being, I'm emotionally and mentally drained, I'm physically exhausted and every morning aches the same. Letting you go,

I hope you find me.
click to continue reading-


Tuesday, 20 October 2015

unseen signals.

I don't weep over losing him or pretend he'd come back this time. I don't refresh my dm thinking I'd see an unread message from him. I don't willingly stalk him to see who he's talking to or look through photos of him on my phone. I don't go on instagram or wechat to see if there's anything new. I don't think about what he'd think when I post a photo or how much I do. I avoid tweeting anything the minute I see his name on my tl. I put my phone away awhile until it seems safe to speak up my mind. I don't say hi or tell him about the things I saw or went through that reminds me of him or have the guts and heart to read back the things he wrote for me. 

Even so, I have the urge to ask. I check from time to time to see if he's still alive. When I do find myself on his profile I'd make sure to scroll from the left side saving myself from accidentally favouriting anything. I pay attention to his retweets, for signs I'm not getting or his well being. I wake up still hoping for something from him each time I check my phone despite knowing there would be none. I strain myself to take care thinking he'd worry if I don't, at least he knows it's not guilt I'm trying to inflict. I want him calm. I keep my boundaries when talking to other guys, nothing cheesy as if he was still mine. I talk about him still, I joke around about it, like it's fine, like it doesn't hurt me. I wake up each day, I get through. 

I wonder how he's doing, in every way. I'd ask but it's always the same lie. I'd talk to him but he wouldn't even really reply. I try not bother. He needs space I'd think. He wants to focus, I would make myself believe, whether or not he could. Some days I tell myself he's trying to move on, so I plan not to make it hard for him. I'd want to be everything he wants and need even if it means not being a part of anything at all. I just want him to be happy if how things are makes him. I would try as hard as I did but I no longer think I should. Never yet exhausted from dealing with him or sick of seeming desperate if that's what love is, as long as I still get to have him around. Regardless of so, I can't bear to think that I'm the only one who feels so. I can't keep telling myself that he wants me to stick around, waiting for me to make a move, too afraid to even talk or that his ego pulls him back from it.

All I know is that, it could mean nothing at all. I'm not full of myself enough to think that he's still in love with me the way I am with him. I don't have my head high enough to have it be in the clouds. I might have already lost him entirely, I wouldn't know. Maybe I've got to let go. I thought I would never have to again. Guess I was wrong.



Bending over, this seems a bit familiar. Tiles smothered in what you last swallowed. Not enough yet, pump pump, your stomachs empty. You know it's not enough yet. There's some left in it, it's stuck. Get out get out, you go in deeper, it gets loud. Stop. This is enough. Tomorrow I'll starve.


Sunday, 18 October 2015

dark spots.

I woke up with the kind of ache I had the first few days he left. So intense, so repulsing. Another morning woken up from dreams of him. I put myself in a place where I involuntarily went back in time for a moment, without moving even an inch from the state of mind I was in. Forget the past, now I have him, I read. I haven't really cried in awhile. It's that numb-feel-nothing-but-everything-yet-flat-phase. However came by a tear drop, sliding its ass down my cheek. I thought "fuck", but my memory went back to everything he left behind. Flashback to when I cried the first time I read this, contented with so much joy and overwhelmed. Now a tiny bit once more over a nostalgic feel of sadness and loss. I remember the photos I took of everything I got with the intentions of writing it down here, just so he knows how I cherish it all. I never got the chance to but I have the chance to write this now.

Still drowned in a daze, I'm unable to decide or figure out how to feel about it all or what my mind is thinking about that I know nothing of. I'm not quite myself these days but I'm doing well I'll make myself believe. I think I'm great at that, "doing well". I've always been great at putting up a show, disconnecting with everything. How can people tell that you're isolating if you've always been on your own? Some moments I am no one. It's that phase again right, the one everyone puts me through? Or is it just me.


it goes both ways.

15/10/15 - 2.49 pm

You expect just as much from the people you don't love, once you're with them. You expect them to be there when you come back and be merry as if you've never left. You expect them to not hurt over the bullshit you say or do and god forbid them to blame you. You expect them to wait for you, while you go run around trying all things new with anyone else. You expect them to forgive you, give you another chance, take you in again, because oh, you love them. Sort of. 

You expect them to ask you to stay more than you've ever gave any reason for them to. You expect them to say goodnight I love you, and that I still do the next morning because they really do despite you running off the night before. You expect them to support you be happy for you and they are, even if they're no longer the reason for it as you expect them to be okay when you're away not even asking throughly of how they were when you weren't there. You expect them to accept the fact that you don't love them anymore. That it's not the same no more.

You expect them to move on. To find someone new. To be happier without you. You expect them to let go of all the things they went through with you, everything they cherished, every moment they savour, each promises they held on to, every crack in their heart and every part of them that they gave out to you whole heartedly, just because

you don't love them anymore, not in that way.


Tuesday, 13 October 2015

no difference to prove.

It's a shame to hear anyone expressing their love towards me, so sure of how they know nothing of what they're getting into. Compelling them to realise how they don't, that they only think they do whilst actually having the littlest hope to how maybe, just maybe they genuinely do. Every person who has convinced me to believe otherwise, is bound to leave me with more or less the same kind of excuse I've gotten in the past on why it isn't possible any longer for them to be with me. That the love in everyone I've been with, for me, fades eventually. That no matter how surprisingly hard I try or get better and change for my own good and us, at the end of the day no one's going to stick around. And nobody wants to.

I'd feel lied to or betrayed but it no longer works that way. The fact is people change, and these feelings, maybe they were never there or sincere from the beginning of it all, maybe it has always meant to be just a phase or so real and genuine only to a certain extent, not any longer. It's no one's fault, no fingers are needed to point it out. These guys I tend to meet, they don't know that. I didn't give my 150% to see you walk away. I'm no pit stop, no rebound, no tool, but it always feels like that's all I'll ever be until someone finds better. Someone who's worth it to them, that makes them happy enough they want it to last and actually try working it out. Somebody they subconsciously change themselves for, to the better. They always find better.

I hate thinking "This time it's different"
I hate thinking "This guy, he really loves me"
I hate thinking "He wants to stay. He's going to"
I hate thinking "He's the one."
And god I hate how everything ends to "I'm no one."

I'm never anyone's end. Just one they put to an end.
- It's always somebody else.


Wednesday, 7 October 2015

the same but better although worse.

This is no type of alcohol, it's mineral water.
There's no cigarettes, I'm chewing gum.
No panadols miss, there's cereal in my mouth.

You binge you starve
You exercise while sleep deprived
Fat fat skin fat fat
But they feel bones
They see the smile you're losing 
Those dark circles escalating
Your soul exposed
The emptiness swallowing you whole
It's swallowing you whole
Swallowing you whole I said
Run I said
Save yourself
Stay afloat
Swim away

I begged please,

Just stay.

And you, on the outside looking in
And you on the inside desperately grasping whatever there is that's left,
that is there to cling on, to remember, hold on to ; 
a motive, a purpose, a significance.
But nothing's left. Nothing's there. Not even you.

Tell me, how do you cope with that?


Monday, 5 October 2015

live a little.

There's no need for fear. 
No one's afraid of the consequences. 
Don't let them win. Hold on a little longer ri.


Saturday, 3 October 2015

that exception.

You can choose to run away from anyone at all, everyone if you please except one. Yourself. No matter how much you hate the person you are, you've got to live with it, accept it, embrace it.

I guess once this hits you, it starts making sense how you can't expect to love anyone unconditionally when you aren't able to even accept yourself as a person, as a living being in need of the care, attention, love and affection that you give out to others. We've heard of that saying, that question, of how could you expect it to be possible for anyone to love you when you can't?

Then again, somebody does, even when they hate every single bone in their body and all that makes them who they are today, somebody loves you. There's always someone who does. There's always that one person who is capable of so much love for everyone else except themselves, accept them.

Or not.


easier to lie than not.

When people ask, I tell them:
I want to get married.

I love how people react, sometimes surprised sometimes disappointed. As if I just threw my whole life away. As if I have potential. I say it for fun, just to spite someone maybe, who knows? I don't think about it. Actually I do, I just always find myself at a dead end. It's just an excuse, who wants to get married? Not me any longer. Not me at the moment. Not at all a dream. Not ever in my dreams.

I don't care what anyone else says, with me everyone goes. One way or another, sooner or later. You're either not enough or too good for someone. That's not all, you're also sad all the time and no one wants that. Nobody wants that. At least not when it's me.


kalau takdir.

I've always known. With everyone, 
I've known from the beginning. 
It was never what if, it's always been-
ready or not it will come. So it comes.

The last time, it went, with the strong belief of how it's meant to be, it came again. This time boggled with two potential endings, it's a "maybe one day" or a "this time for good".

And so it goes.
For now, like the last time.
Like the only, like the first.
Or the last.

You'd be lucky enough to encounter the kind of people who sees all your flaws, looks past your mistakes, and accept all the crooked, broken parts of who you've become. Someone who finds you worth their time, effort, or care. They're going to find the beauty in you and see the good, because that's what matters; the person you are now, to them.

If you're lucky enough, these kind of people, walks into your life to remain there. They exist to stay as a part of your life, not just a lesson, or a phase, but sometimes that's all they're ought to be. So you let go. You let them all go.