no longer ri.

Guess no one's ever there anymore. Not in favour of anyone to be, just thought at least someone would understand. Aware of how everything else or anything at all is by far more important than the voices in my head. I don't hide as much as I used to here, but the more I don't, the more I do with everyone else. It's so beautiful isn't it, how the universe works, but better without me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, my mind tends to disagree. I digest what I see, I've gotten irrational and anxious, insecure and paranoid. Often on the verge of breaking down, I wonder how I build up the strength to still stand this strong, for this long. I loathe the thought of being weak and in despair. I am more than this, to me. I am capable of being on my own I've done this before. I am able to wake up everyday swallow everything whole just to get through. I have blocked it all out.

But god it is so hard to be stuck in between getting my life together and completely relapsing. It has been months and whatever people see that makes it look better, isn't. I'm covered by masks over masks, whatever I throw out is replaced by something new, something old, something of both or none at all. I have lost sight of myself and nothing functions the way it used to. There is this chaotic explosion that goes on and off and on and off in my head deteriorating my logical mind. I suffocate over my own presence feeling as if someone has clipped my nose and shut my mouth with socks to my throat stuck in my lungs, forgetting my capability to breathe, I can't cry, my hands they tingle from the urge to punch something, claw someone, flip a table, hit myself, I scream and shout, outside I stay silent. I chug in everything.

I'm more than enlighten of how my condition is mind boggling to some turning them to a dead end as it gets difficult and worrying each day. I can't tell you what it is or how it came to be. I can't explain too far back and whatever that's new won't make much sense to anyone of you. Everyday I go through the same bloody pathetic irritating battle with myself and everyone thinks it's okay because I don't drag anyone into this the way they assume I do. I try so hard and as futile as it looks, I try every day I decide to push myself together to even wake up to wash my face the least and eat so no one would have to care much, that as perturbed as how I have been living my life makes them feel, they are unaware of almost 99% of what I have to go through.

I can't enjoy life nor have I given myself the chance to recover from anything, to just sleep it all away and mourn to better days. My head aches from the feelings and thoughts and emotions I despise feeling. My throat burns from every word and tear I couldn't let out. You don't understand how it's like to force yourself to live each day on the days you'd rather be dead. I dread letting anyone in too deep to know too much and get attached to the point it would break their hearts to know because it devastates me to be the reason. I get my words wrong. My thoughts, how I act, they're all wrong. The sudden urge to jump in front of fast traffic or harm myself in any way is wrong. I am wrong and wrong and wrong and all of my confidence has shrink into the size of the love I have for myself that as much as I want to pick myself up I am unable. I no longer think I'd want to.

People think I throw my whole life away for the fun of it. Thinking I don't care, that I have it easy. I'm ungrateful. I'm lazy. I could do it if I really want to. They push and they shove, they talk about all the things they know nothing of and walk out the door once it seems enough. Because I'm no longer good enough. I never planned to be the person I am today with the state of mind I am in. Always felt like I never belonged but never was rotten from the start. I don't enjoy the look of disappointment in my dad's face and how it changes with worries over worries and the thought of money people have wasted on me. I don't find it funny at all to purposely act and do all the things I've done that has gotten me here merely to spite anyone. These thoughts, these everything. The sudden urge to throw myself out the window, the sudden spirit to get myself back up and live healthily to suddenly feeling the need to burn my lungs the next couple of minutes. You don't get to choose.

More alone these past few days, weeks and months like everyone's slipping away. Everyone's leaving and I'm left behind. No one's ever there anymore or really wants to be. I feel left out and forgotten, not that it matters. Not that I want anyone to remember. I'm exhausted from constantly choosing to go on. I just want to go. I've done this before.

-riri-