look at me now.

Tuesday 20 October 2015

unseen signals.

I don't weep over losing him or pretend he'd come back this time. I don't refresh my dm thinking I'd see an unread message from him. I don't willingly stalk him to see who he's talking to or look through photos of him on my phone. I don't go on instagram or wechat to see if there's anything new. I don't think about what he'd think when I post a photo or how much I do. I avoid tweeting anything the minute I see his name on my tl. I put my phone away awhile until it seems safe to speak up my mind. I don't say hi or tell him about the things I saw or went through that reminds me of him or have the guts and heart to read back the things he wrote for me. 

Even so, I have the urge to ask. I check from time to time to see if he's still alive. When I do find myself on his profile I'd make sure to scroll from the left side saving myself from accidentally favouriting anything. I pay attention to his retweets, for signs I'm not getting or his well being. I wake up still hoping for something from him each time I check my phone despite knowing there would be none. I strain myself to take care thinking he'd worry if I don't, at least he knows it's not guilt I'm trying to inflict. I want him calm. I keep my boundaries when talking to other guys, nothing cheesy as if he was still mine. I talk about him still, I joke around about it, like it's fine, like it doesn't hurt me. I wake up each day, I get through. 

I wonder how he's doing, in every way. I'd ask but it's always the same lie. I'd talk to him but he wouldn't even really reply. I try not bother. He needs space I'd think. He wants to focus, I would make myself believe, whether or not he could. Some days I tell myself he's trying to move on, so I plan not to make it hard for him. I'd want to be everything he wants and need even if it means not being a part of anything at all. I just want him to be happy if how things are makes him. I would try as hard as I did but I no longer think I should. Never yet exhausted from dealing with him or sick of seeming desperate if that's what love is, as long as I still get to have him around. Regardless of so, I can't bear to think that I'm the only one who feels so. I can't keep telling myself that he wants me to stick around, waiting for me to make a move, too afraid to even talk or that his ego pulls him back from it.

All I know is that, it could mean nothing at all. I'm not full of myself enough to think that he's still in love with me the way I am with him. I don't have my head high enough to have it be in the clouds. I might have already lost him entirely, I wouldn't know. Maybe I've got to let go. I thought I would never have to again. Guess I was wrong.

-riri-

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