dark spots.

I woke up with the kind of ache I had the first few days he left. So intense, so repulsing. Another morning woken up from dreams of him. I put myself in a place where I involuntarily went back in time for a moment, without moving even an inch from the state of mind I was in. Forget the past, now I have him, I read. I haven't really cried in awhile. It's that numb-feel-nothing-but-everything-yet-flat-phase. However came by a tear drop, sliding its ass down my cheek. I thought "fuck", but my memory went back to everything he left behind. Flashback to when I cried the first time I read this, contented with so much joy and overwhelmed. Now a tiny bit once more over a nostalgic feel of sadness and loss. I remember the photos I took of everything I got with the intentions of writing it down here, just so he knows how I cherish it all. I never got the chance to but I have the chance to write this now.

Still drowned in a daze, I'm unable to decide or figure out how to feel about it all or what my mind is thinking about that I know nothing of. I'm not quite myself these days but I'm doing well I'll make myself believe. I think I'm great at that, "doing well". I've always been great at putting up a show, disconnecting with everything. How can people tell that you're isolating if you've always been on your own? Some moments I am no one. It's that phase again right, the one everyone puts me through? Or is it just me.

-riri-