I'd think no one's going to be the way he was with me and that I'm never going to be with them, the way I was with him. As apprehensive as I get, I've always felt the sort of calmness and safety in his embrace I've never felt with anyone else. Some moments fall awkward, with the silence of all the words I have stuck like a lump in my throat but I've got a feeling that's how it's always been with everyone I've ever got together with. It's the hardest to tell the truth, or to talk about what I feel to the people that means most to me. It gets people thinking I don't trust them enough or they aren't right for me. But I've told him everything when I'm not talking. I left out nothing, not even the darkest secret or stories I'd never mentioned to anyone else no matter how close. I try put the words in my head out for him so maybe he'd hear me better, but it never goes the way I plan it to. I know.
I can't tell how he's been or if he thinks about me as constantly as I do when it comes to him. I wouldn't know if thoughts of me and the stupid things I do crosses his mind sometimes it leaves him with the urge to talk to me. I wouldn't be able to tell if he's building something with someone new or if he's completely gotten over me. He's always been good at keeping it all bottled up. I wouldn't know if he ever told anyone about it. I've always wish I was the one he'd tell all his worries to. I don't always react the way he wants me to but I pay attention. There's a million reasons I assume or make up in my head of why he had to go. Bad, good, funny, unknown, contradictory in some ways, depends.
I'm no longer 16 too. I get it, things so intense now, so serious somehow. I don't know if he checks up on me or if he worries, I just know he's not one to ask around about me. I can't quite figure out what makes him think distancing himself would make things any better for me, as if I was never alone before he came. He wants me to find myself again as he builds up his character, reach his goals and we'll meet again halfway as the same old couple once so in love, but different, I'll make myself think. Things might finally fall the way he has always thought it would. That he's finally staying. Although I never wanted it that way. I've always stayed to stay, from the bottom to the end not go back to before it all began. Hoping to be with him on the days where it gets difficult, when he thinks he's no use of being here, that things aren't working out for him, when it seems impossible for him to stand back up from every of his fall.
I don't think about it, what he takes me as or how he sees me through his eyes this time. I don't think of how wrong it is that he went away or the promises and everything else that's left unfinished, cracked, broken, behind. I don't blame him or myself the way I did. I have no answers for the things happening. I'm lost for even thoughts. My mind's never not in an argument with the facts I gather. Nothing makes sense because everything eventually does. It's all a blur. I lose sleep but I no longer cry the way I did, I don't overthink things. All so he wouldn't feel the guilt. Everytime I'm about to, I think of how he'd feel, putting myself in his shoes. Sometimes I get it, although unsure.
I'm not mad or sad about it, rather heartbroken in the most delicate way there is to be. The quiet kind, similar to meeting someone who once filled up your day, in a mall or on the street, smiling at them as they look away the second they lay their eyes on you. Empty, nothing, yet it gets you grinning to yourself thinking about how nice that was to get to see him again. He looks great, he's fine, you're happy for him, you hope he's alright. Later you think of every incredible moment you shared or had and think "yeah". He never calls or says hi and you don't anymore too, this time feeling like you're genuinely a fly, buzzing around his head, what an annoyance you are. So you fly away thinking of how he'd only talk to you if you make the first move but you can't so you don't.
Trying to find the words for this but I'm leaving things blank. This writing feels fragmentary. I don't have much to say. It's all nothing now. I'm sorry you had to go. Maybe one day you'd ask about me or call, see me again over your own will or think of me as home. Who knows I'd mean enough to you for you to stay or you'll remember me the way I never forgot you. I've always believed we'll get through, I would want to. Though at the time being, I'm emotionally and mentally drained, I'm physically exhausted and every morning aches the same. Letting you go,
I hope you find me.
click to continue reading-
-riri-
I can't tell how he's been or if he thinks about me as constantly as I do when it comes to him. I wouldn't know if thoughts of me and the stupid things I do crosses his mind sometimes it leaves him with the urge to talk to me. I wouldn't be able to tell if he's building something with someone new or if he's completely gotten over me. He's always been good at keeping it all bottled up. I wouldn't know if he ever told anyone about it. I've always wish I was the one he'd tell all his worries to. I don't always react the way he wants me to but I pay attention. There's a million reasons I assume or make up in my head of why he had to go. Bad, good, funny, unknown, contradictory in some ways, depends.
I'm no longer 16 too. I get it, things so intense now, so serious somehow. I don't know if he checks up on me or if he worries, I just know he's not one to ask around about me. I can't quite figure out what makes him think distancing himself would make things any better for me, as if I was never alone before he came. He wants me to find myself again as he builds up his character, reach his goals and we'll meet again halfway as the same old couple once so in love, but different, I'll make myself think. Things might finally fall the way he has always thought it would. That he's finally staying. Although I never wanted it that way. I've always stayed to stay, from the bottom to the end not go back to before it all began. Hoping to be with him on the days where it gets difficult, when he thinks he's no use of being here, that things aren't working out for him, when it seems impossible for him to stand back up from every of his fall.
I don't think about it, what he takes me as or how he sees me through his eyes this time. I don't think of how wrong it is that he went away or the promises and everything else that's left unfinished, cracked, broken, behind. I don't blame him or myself the way I did. I have no answers for the things happening. I'm lost for even thoughts. My mind's never not in an argument with the facts I gather. Nothing makes sense because everything eventually does. It's all a blur. I lose sleep but I no longer cry the way I did, I don't overthink things. All so he wouldn't feel the guilt. Everytime I'm about to, I think of how he'd feel, putting myself in his shoes. Sometimes I get it, although unsure.
I'm not mad or sad about it, rather heartbroken in the most delicate way there is to be. The quiet kind, similar to meeting someone who once filled up your day, in a mall or on the street, smiling at them as they look away the second they lay their eyes on you. Empty, nothing, yet it gets you grinning to yourself thinking about how nice that was to get to see him again. He looks great, he's fine, you're happy for him, you hope he's alright. Later you think of every incredible moment you shared or had and think "yeah". He never calls or says hi and you don't anymore too, this time feeling like you're genuinely a fly, buzzing around his head, what an annoyance you are. So you fly away thinking of how he'd only talk to you if you make the first move but you can't so you don't.
Trying to find the words for this but I'm leaving things blank. This writing feels fragmentary. I don't have much to say. It's all nothing now. I'm sorry you had to go. Maybe one day you'd ask about me or call, see me again over your own will or think of me as home. Who knows I'd mean enough to you for you to stay or you'll remember me the way I never forgot you. I've always believed we'll get through, I would want to. Though at the time being, I'm emotionally and mentally drained, I'm physically exhausted and every morning aches the same. Letting you go,
I hope you find me.
click to continue reading-
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