Not even in that state where I'm just numb to it all.
I'm not in those days where I would care if I choose to,
or those days where I block it all out and not care at all.
Maybe this is a completely new thing going on, a mix of everything but rather placid the way it once was but with more emotions and gratitude. I used to say I just always get lucky, thinking I would have never been good enough to be blessed- but I am, all my life. It's amazing how life works and how the universe has its way of making things be. One thing that remained, which I thought it wouldn't by now would be the fact that solitude is still one of those options I'd rather pick over the kind of lifestyle and company I once had. I am still the same, one wrong move and I'd get back to the pit of that black hole I never thought would have existed. But I am content. At the moment, things have been going slowly for me despite time flying way too fast for me to keep pace.
I am calmer however, my mind still goes out and about, finding truths I'd rather be oblivious to at times but bearable. I still get sudden breakdowns and still go through moments where I burst into tears by triggering things that to me, doesn't even make sense at all. But it does if you think through it all and although I would say that there is no reason to it, I find myself later on thinking of what may be the reason or that if maybe I have been in denial to all the reasons for it. I rarely get the sudden need and urge to hide from the world by literally pushing everyone out for a period of time. I try to not lose anything anymore, especially the ones fundamental to my life right now. I try not to think about it, which I'm the best at but the start of this year has proved to me that a side of me wants to go back to the old me. Causing so much emotional disturbance to me from then on till now.
Truthfully I am still so afraid. I am terrified.
We all know, things could be worst but it isn't.
Not when I'm back in the arms of the person I love most.
Not when it's with him.