look at me now.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

down under.

Voice a bit raised, I've been here before.
What it's like and what's next if not the things I abhor.

Lost for words, I felt my heart dropped to the floor. I shut down - dead inside. Everything crumbling and dispersing into dust; unable to mouthed a word, I couldn't bring myself to explain what it all is or means. I started seeing myself the way everyone does, in my head. I was supposed to be safe here. I found home, remember? I didn't feel alone, I felt like a waste. I loathe the part where just like that, I'm reminded of how I was never meant for anyone. This world of mine, this state of mind, all alone for me and I.

I tell myself that it's different this time, I believe it too. He's not everyone else and I know that applies to those before him but it's not about them anymore. We're not what I've ever been in. I trust him. He is love, he is mine. I know he is. I know he knows. Even when I'm never right. This isn't meant for me for how I am completely undeserving of it. However my demons, they get chaotic, manic and he's the only one that has ever managed to keep them at bay. Some days vehement, malicious yet still, in the end tranquillised. Until I remembered what was asked-

I know things might never seem right, we're a mess and I'm more than less neurotic. To be honest I've forgotten the point of writing this at all. I could say that everything will be okay, though we all know how nothing's really meant to go our way. I'm wrong everywhere and all that I say only exhibits contradiction. In spite of that, looking back to these previous months, I would have never imagined or was even able to comprehend or make myself believe that there would be a day where I would meet the person that could possibly make 'today' feels like now and not forever lasting. That my yesterdays are the past that no longer lingers at the back of my mind like a raging headache, even if it has become a part of who I am; He opens my eyes to a future I have no clue of, he gives me reasons when I've lost every sense of dedication.

Outright terrified then again I have my whole heart in this. I wouldn't want in if I was planning to let it all go so easily. I've lost way too many times to this, nonetheless he is my everything. I am unfailingly blown away by him, eager to be in his presence, some days I wish I was better. My love, he means no harm. Although some moments I forget. I now have the world in arms reach, undeserving still, what could I possibly ask for more? I try not to get overexcited, aware of how much it aches to have it all taken away. Too tired of looking back to when we weren't, grateful enough that we are, I just hope out of all people, he would stay.

Yet I understand if he doesn't.


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