the beach.

"Bawaku ke pantai
Kosongkan kepala sambil bersantai

Mengira bintang dari pasir putih"

I was looking up searching for the moon, there was not even a star in sight. Was told to prepare for the rain- but then he came. We moved closer to the beach, blankets on the sand, music played on speaker, we had cigarettes and took hits. We had each other and the stars became more apparent, this seemed almost dream like. This should be perfect. But I wasn't. Everyone was in the mood, the vibe was good but I was lost looking up in the sky asking myself why I act the way I do and how it got me feeling what I felt. I couldn't explain when he asked. I felt like sinking into the sand or knocking myself dead. Suddenly I feel sick, to be the one to think of death when everything's beautiful- I was around joyful people laughing, talking or dancing but all I did was lie down.

I didn't want to go back, I knew I still had time and that this was that moment to live the way I did. Inexplicably I couldn't. He was sunshine in the night sky trying to bring me back to earth but I was stuck. I felt like crying. I was too irritated with myself, I felt paralysed. It shouldn't have been this way but I was still there. He started dancing in a way I've never seen him done before. I was mind-blown and astounded. He was exhilarated and I thought he was amazing. I felt it. He was just, everything. While everyone else was cheering to it, I was lying down with my arms over my eyes. We were at the beach and I was a bitch. They were all enjoying themselves and that's all that I want for them even if I wasn't a part of it.

I was distant and out of place. Feeling left out, no one was at fault. I had my loved ones and I had him. He drove all the way from home to me and I had to feel alone in the midst of having fun, ruining everything for everyone. Sabotaging my own happiness like I never wanted it. I wish I had the right words to explain what went in mind but it wasn't anything at all. I felt like going home but my home was with me. Perhaps it was just what were to happen next, and I just didn't want to go yet. In my silence it felt like I wasn't even there with them despite having them with me. I forgot about the thin line that separates me from everyone else. I walk around in a glass box no one dares to touch as I try not to break. Abhorring the distance, I wish I was where they were too.

-riri-