little to none.

I can't tell if I'm subconsciously giving reasons for people to leave or testing their sincerity of being with me. Making it look as if I've started caring when really I'm just fooling around, becoming more than one person at once. Characters after characters, lies after lies, I've lost touch with who I am. Going around filling the void when I know better, when I know exactly what I should be doing. There is this hollowness I've forgotten about, a blackhole slowly sucking me in from the inside- I'm exhausted, drained, jaded. Slowly crawling out of myself, I see me. Don't feel me or know me.

I go back to days where I felt this way in hopes that I'll find my way again but it's different this time. That makes it more difficult to comprehend. Right now it's not too much, not too little, not enough but it's there. Like it's floating above me, following me, waiting for the right moment to consume me. I don't want to do this again but every fucking phase they tell me about is just the same thing that comes in different waves. I don't believe I'll ever get better but I get through. At the moment I'm not. At the moment I'm static, trying so hard to hold on to what isn't even there. It'd be a surprised to even know what it is that isn't there. Or finding out that there wasn't ever anything at all.

Thinking of the extremes, but I've grown from that; that's what I've been brainwashing myself to accept but I know what it's really like. I no longer belong, not that I've ever before. The silence is banging in my head, everything so violent. I know that my hands and my throat, my arm and my head is playing with me, they're teasing me. There is a plan I'm unaware of, there is a destruction coming ahead of me if I'm not careful. Wary of the situation, this doesn't intimidate me- the thought of myself turning my back against me does.

-riri-