look at me now.

Thursday 18 December 2014

13 days to the end.

Subconsciously I knew. Not much, nothing really but something in me indicates that I do. By my actions, thoughts and emotions. I already knew or have it figured out. To me it's not the matter of how you make your year anymore, it's how to get through all that will be thrown to you. I'm guessing a lot, for next year.

It's going to be the same as this year and the last 2, maybe as bad as this one unsurprisingly. Or worse. It's going to be a hard nerve wrecking emotional and lonely year, 2015. I feel it in my gut. I can't wait to see who I'll lose next. It's funny, to think you've lost so much, almost all to be precise but then comes a day where you lose more. Another or two. I can't stop the feelings that rush into my veins or the thoughts banging on the sides of my head to get in and ruin each day I have to force myself to live through. I let them in, lately so often do I do. I thought I got better. Maybe this is the price of opening up to life, letting people in again and "living" it. All for it to be taken away at one point. Just for laughs.

As if every life I chose to live is only to get me murdered and reborn into another (sometimes better but more fucked in the head), version of myself. I wish I knew the exact words to describe it all. I can't even read the way I did. I sometimes hope to find the life that would love having me in it as much as I never did living in its previous ones.

Is this that phase people have been telling me about? The one I hear each time I go through such things. Phase phase phase all I ever am all I ever will be all I ever go through is just another phase to everyone. I'm convinced there's this huge sign stitched to my forehead for me to see each time I turn to the mirror and be reminded that I will never be more than that. What I am or do or say will never be crucial enough to be taken seriously. 
"It's just a phase".

It makes me wish death was just a phase as well. A phase before you go into eternal slumber. Vanishing into the nothingness. Stop existing entirely. To be so meaningless; just like the person you were alive.

I am going through this again. How delightful is it to be such a burden to so many. The excruciating emotional and mental pain it brings could never have even describe the amount of self hatred and guilt I feel for the lives I was fated to be included in. I'm bewildered by whether I fear or am glad of what's starting to happen, the taste of self destruction and the feeling of love and warmth in such a lost state I might have just miss ever so badly, knowing it is the only thing I'm good at. The only thing that wants me and clings on to me, dragging me to come back.

Begging for me to come home.

-riri-

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