unsaid.

Hello, I said. I'm talking to you.
This would be the last time, I said.
You came up to me, decently you smiled.
Maybe next time I said.

I notice how when I write about you, I start with the side. No longer the middle. Always where it is to be, the left. This is what is left of you in my head, and me without us. I always have so much in my head to say, so much left unsaid because always I wait. I wait for the right time. For the perfect moment. When I know, I know for sure that there is never a moment like so but when we meet eye to eye. Too bad often my words stumble into a lump in my throat and I bite back my tongue with thoughts of how I should not, not now. Now I might never get the chance to say all the things I've longed for you to hear, every honesty and sound of sincerity present in my voice as I stutter my words. Things never get through the way I want it to. I understand how hard it must have been for anyone. Every awkward pause, every "wait a minute" every "oh and far..", ends with nothing, a smile, a hug, a kiss when there is so much more to that and every time I fail myself. So simple yet so complicated. It makes me feel bad if it ever made you felt as if you weren't special enough to have not been treated or greeted a certain way. Not even with you can I be spontaneous enough to not have situations ever fall into awkwardness. I tried a bit harder last time.

Last time, "the start where the end starts"
I've always hated this part right here but I never bothered or have I put much thought into it in past events but with you god I wish it didn't have to be this way. I guess I was hoping this wasn't just another fling. Oppose to the thought of having to compare this to being similar to any of what the past has been. Although we went back to being what we once were minus the part where you were trying to win me over because I lost you this time, trying to fix what I no longer have control over. We could really have a good laugh at it now, looking back at where we started and how I was with what I am now and what I've been trying to do. I watch my steps so I won't trip, but with you I stumbled, I fell, I fell hard. Even if it was later on, was it not real? Isn't it still? I never said things for the sake of saying and all I felt and spoke of was true. Is still true. I could stop now put the thought aside and do things my way, leaving you at the back of my mind long enough to vanish completely but I can't fathom myself as well of why I'm still going on. Why I bother to try, as if it were a responsibility to keep you happy even when you might be even better without me. So I stand still, waiting by the door if you ever changed your mind. I don't know why. I can't even tell or say why I would embarrass myself and be stupid enough to go against my principles and beliefs but here I am.

If you could ever find the heart to forgive yourself, to look deep inside to forgive me, to forgive us and give it another go, we could. I know I talk about fate a lot, but you know I would have never let you go if you never held on to me so loosely. Besides, isn't the choices are for us to decide? Even if we don't fit or go along the way we see people around us do, it's only because we are our own kind. We are us, what others are or think doesn't matter. No?

-riri-