just another repetition.

God knows I've tried, I just wished everyone else did as well. I can't simply just let everyone into my business, all this talking and asking questions I find impossible to answer that no matter how much help I need or think I do, I can't at the same time somehow won't let anyone bother to. The number of days I force myself to go to school, to not dwell over the thought of it, to get my ass out of my bed and force myself to get through the day, proves my effort, does it not? Still, so little is ever significant to people. Now every moment it occurs, the sudden breakdown, the need to sleep in for that very day, the importance of being left alone, irritates the hell out of everyone. Some days I manage to put it aside, to put myself below everyone and everything else the way I always do but some days tougher than most, some days I lose to my mind. God knows how those days all I need is support not be told how much I aggravate and annoy my surroundings. It never makes it any better to be told once again, or at least in a way to indicate that I, am burdening everybody else. I know I am. I've noticed. It devastates me to be seen as if I do it on purpose just to tick everyone off. Tell me, whoever wants to grow up to be such an inconvenience to the people they love? Exactly. Words don't effect me but when the meaning is there and heard and slam into my face, ear, and all around my head, you start to believe it and coming from the people you thought or should've known you best, doesn't make it hurt any less.

I can't reach out to them as much as they want to reach out for me. Everybody tells me I'm not trying but I've gotten through years alone with this going on and being told so, it makes it seem like all the effort meant absolutely nothing. And I'm tired. I'm really tired.

-riri-