maybe in another life.

The first time we met
I was ecstatic, I was eager
I felt safe, I felt butterflies
We hugged goodbye
I stood behind to see you walk away
I stayed to see you fade into the crowd
I never told you

The second time we met
I wish I could've said more
Showed you around with my family going at it
I know this vibe, I know as if I've been here before
I have, and the way you explained to me how the day was to you,
reminded me of the past somehow
I never told you
But I thought "God please make this one lasts"

The third time we met
It was awkward I knew
You had your friends, I had my family
All I wanted at the moment was for it to be me and you
We shared a drink, you don't do that but you did then
Small talk, soon a bit deeper, but not enough
But I remember what you said, I'll remember what you said
"Tapi you tetap sabrina I. Sabrina yang I sayang."
Remember why you said so? I did. I do.
We hugged goodbye, it felt strange I know
Because it almost felt like nothing to be true

Fourth time we met
The last time if you wish
My eyesight has gotten horrible by now
I couldn't quite see you without a squint
Still I knew, I had a feeling it was you
You came in for a hug, I was in a rush to sent sya away
Believe me if I could I would've hugged you forever there
But I couldn't
Finally a movie for us, who knew fate would agree
Eyes set to the screen, I tried not to look at you
Not sure of what you had in mind back then but what I had in mine was,
"Don't turn to your side, don't you ever stare, because you know,
you know you can't help but to-" and so I focused
Yet I notice the stolen glances, the stares, I just couldn't risk not breathing
I couldn't risk collapsing into your arms, I detach, I tried
All I wanted was to be with you, to take hold of every second
My phone kept ringing, vibrating from calls and messages from my mum, my brother
Turning away every 5 minutes to reply with you on my right, perfectly there
I wish I could've payed attention more to you, I know I wanted to
I felt every heartbeat, I felt adrenaline rushing, I felt my face sinking into a hot red blush
I wanted to be with you more than anything, I wish I could've showed, I could've said

But I was frozen,
to excitement
nervousness
nauseated
as if all the nerves in me had stopped working
I did nothing
when I could've done so much.
We hugged our goodbyes
It didn't left me as calm as it once did
It felt like a losing
As if I was letting go
It brought me chills down my spine
As it disheartened me
I never told you.

I thought this day would save it all.
This day I couldn't be more grateful of.
It didn't matter what happened next.
I just wanted to make it, me and you.
Always.

-riri-