sleepless nights.

Sleep scares me. or maybe I scare sleep.

It's been days since I last slept properly and it's been months since I had enough sleep. I keep waking up in the morning or not even sleeping at all at times.

One of the reasons would be I'm starting to believe that I'll be missing out on something if I waste my nights sleeping even though nothing abnormal happens at all. It's like the night is calling me and I keep picking it up. Other than that, the thought of sleeping and having to wake up to the same old boring routine makes me sick to the stomach. Depress even. Maybe I'm just looking for something different.

I hate waking up with the urge to cry and feeling so lonely and empty at the same time. Also dreading to sleep with this thought that it might be my last. Another reason being :- him. I know it sounds preposterous, silly even but it's not me, it's my mind. subconsciously it's like keeping me awake just because somehow for some reason it wants me to stay and wait, to look out for him.

Maybe deep down inside I just wanna be there for him if he's having difficulty sleeping or just in need of someone to talk to. I just wanna be there for him the way no one was for me. I just care that much about him but I'll never let him know that. I never would want to make him feel guilty by it. I've screwed up so many relationships before, I don't wanna screw this up too.

yours truly, riri.