excuse.

It isn't fair to be the only one who feels so much for someone who doesn't feel the same way. To put in so much effort into something that might not even be real to the other person. To stay when it's better to leave. To care for the one who won't ever realised it, to be so kind to someone whom you know is bound to hurt you. You can't help it can you? Because you've fallen in too deep and you don't want to get back up.

He distracts me from myself, my emotions, the pain

and I don't know whether it's a good thing or if I'm using him.

I don't get myself, how and since when did I get so cold?

And thinking back of all the people I've damaged, I don't deserve this;

I don't deserve anything. Whatever that make things better, I don't deserve it.

Or maybe I'm just not ready, to be attach again, to have someone who I know would always be by my side because I know I'm barely even there for myself. For all the things I've done and went through, all the things I couldn't tell people about because I myself don't want to be reminded of it. Though it screams inside to be let out, I keep it in. Because I've gotten so low nothing is worth believing. Everything I thought I knew, everyone who said it'll be okay, proved me wrong. Two years and a half has passed and all my countless "I'm gonna change" shit is still as worthless as the first time I said it. Since then not a single person has walked into my life and made me think that this time it's different, this person can actually help me find myself again without even trying but no, I don't believe there ever will be that person. And I don't believe that I even exist anymore, myself. I feel like I'm slowly disappearing in the background of everyone's happiness. Slowly walking backwards to a door of extinction and there, I can no longer come back. I no longer have even the slightest of hope of getting through and I am stuck at where I left myself.

-riri-