""the problem"".

They tell me I have a problem.
Then convinced me that I'm the problem.
Whether it's one of those or both at once,
they never seem to help me get over any.

Even if they did, they never really do. I don't get it. They ask me to change and I've been trying but I find it hard, and I don't think that I could or if I would. If I'm even ready to. It hit me just now, why do they even demand such from me? Why must I be the only one to change? They say every problem must have its reason to it and in my logic, if I were the problem, wouldn't it make sense if maybe they were the reason? So why bother asking for what I cannot give. If they wanted me to change they should change with me. Do I sound selfish? But they're just as self centred as I am to be asking for what they, themselves would not give out.

"What's your problem" they would yell asking.

"Everything" I'd whisper in my head.

I don't think I'm scared to admit so. It's just, I find it hard to explain if they question "why" after each of my answers. Maybe if they had listened to me sooner, maybe when I was younger tried to make me open up to them; gain my trust, maybe then it would be easier. It's too late for that. I've gone through so much secretly without them ever being there for me. They say I have an attitude problem. I guess I do, but, at the same time I don't. They only say that to whenever I react negatively on what they want me to be positive on. Don't I have a say in anything? Maybe they're just too caught up in society's definition of a "successful life", and I get that they want so for me. Though what's the use of being successful, getting a good job and shit if you're not happy about it? I think living life to the fullest is when you love what you do and do what you love with the people whom you love. If it is not it, then I'd rather die than live exactly the same way.

They say if I wanted help, I should've asked for help. How could I ever have the urge to when I know that I'd end up back as another "burden". Even if they say I'm not, I'll always think that I am. Because I've been through this before. I've opened up once and it totally backfired on me. Everything I do usually ends that way. I guess it sorta broke my heart to the point that I'm scared to ever try again. Though if they really do care the way they say they do, why not get a therapist or psychologist to talk to me instead. Yeah, I don't think so because it costs a lot and money's always the problem but so am I? Do you get it? I don't. It doesn't make sense.

In conclusion I believe, that no one really does care until it has something to do with them. As long as their happy, supposedly I should be. Supposedly I should make them, saying it's for my own good but to me, what good does it make if it only ends up bringing me down? I noticed how it never really matters much until you lose it and losing it means they'd lose just as much. It's like living for other people's benefit, it's shit.

-riri-