go grab a mirror and take a look back.

"Don't stress yourself" she said. It felt a bit silly of how she can think that way without even the slightest thought in her mind that maybe she's the one who causes me to stress out.

Remember how I said I don't really care what people think of me or what they say about me or even care about the people who don't about me? But really, how am I to do so when these people are related to me by blood? I can't. No matter how I try to avoid them or to care less, they're always gonna be there and I'm always gonna end up helping them as much as I can even if it means the one that suffers in the end would be nobody else but me. It drives me crazy. It just flips me off how I do everything I can to be the best or to make things better but when one thing goes wrong, all blame is on me. I don't know how to even put it in words of how hopeless I feel. I get so confuse, I swear it just messes with my mind.

I don't ask for the world, I don't ask for what I know they can't give me, I just need to be understood and given a bit of time away.

So you help around with the chores or any kind of work you do, you don't go out, you avoid burdening others to send you to the place you want to go to, you try and wake up early, you don't argue, you don't buy stuff and etc and they're okay with that. Then you ask permission to go out, just once, and a volcano erupts in them. Now you're the ungrateful one, the one too lazy to do any work, the one who bite off more than you could chew. Familiar? After years thinking of the logic in this, how can I be the one at fault? I don't have friends "oh god you should get some friends" they'd say. I do have friends "oh you could live without them you know?" they'd tell me. I'm being taken for granted for being too nice and I don't think anyone would believe me in this, no one might even see it the way I do.

I'm not even trying to grow up too fast. I'm just being human. I don't get it. And here comes the lies and false hope, here comes the finger all pointed back at me and how am I ever gonna learn to live my life with honesty if all my life I have either been lied to or manipulated?

-riri-