how do i stop?

I just woke up,
Still sick,
With him on my mind.

God, I can't be doing this to people. I can't be pushing them away thinking they need & deserve better, one day, just to realised I need them in my life, the other. However what kills me more inside would be on how I feel for myself when I'm around them. By that I mean how much I find that they don't need me, because I don't want them to even when I wish they would. I just don't want anyone to have to make their life even more difficult by having to put up with me. Especially not the ones who already had an easy life before me, or those who were already happy initially. No matter what people say I would always hate how it gives me the feeling that I'm just another stubborn forever-sad burden to them that, won't ever listen to any advises given when deep inside I have always tried and failed endlessly. I guess I just stop being the one who goes to people for help, I'd rather be the person whom people go to than the other way around. And I know what turned me that way. When you've been called a burden almost constantly before, by such an important family member, you have this idea in your head that even if your family finds you as a burden, why wouldn't anyone else? And so, another insecure shit was born.

I know it brought me to being this: a person who barely trust anyone anymore. And I can't let go of being this way. I just wished people didn't blame me for it. Or maybe it is my fault for letting things happen to me, for being so naive? But I've always find it better to be hurt than to hurt others. Another obvious reason why I don't let anyone in. It might hurt them at first, but it saves them from an everlasting pain with me. There's a difference between people who really care about me and those who tells me they care - those who I've trust and let in into my life, and the ones I can't ever really give myself to. Or maybe it's those who have went through so much with me and have seen me hurt or have been there for me when no one was around, are the ones who really care. It's them who were there through the phases I went through in life that I stick to and new people, those who came when my life was a bit calmer than it ever was, I find a bit hard to let in.

When I hurt, so does the people who care about me and when they do, they try to help me, but they can't. It hurts them to see me hurting even more knowing they can't do much to help. Which also means I've already killed two birds with one stone when they get hurt seeing me hurt which hurts me more and when trying to fix me fails they hurt knowing they can't help and it hurts me how because of me hurting, I end up making them hurt as well. And last but not least, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt one of the nicest guys I have ever known. I don't want to be the reason he turns into most of the people I've known; the ones I've damaged, hurt and destroyed. Just sometimes, I can't help myself.

All this cold shoulder treatment with the ignoring people part and making them confuse of how I really feel about them or even myself, made me realised that I've just turned exactly into the person once known as mine, someone I used to try to understand but failed,

damn.

-riri-